Assessing and Treating Sexual Abuser’s Own Victimization

1. Assessing and Treating Sexual Abuser’s Own Victimization NJ ATSA June 4, 2010 Ken Singer, LCSW

3. Statistics • 1 in 6 or 8 boys or: • 4 % to 76% (Holmes & Slap, 1998) based on review of 166 studies between 1985-97 • Lisak, Hopper & Song (1996) survey of 600 male college students found:

4. Lisak, Hopper & Song (cont.) • Abusers were 2:1 male vs. female • 36% were coerced by force, intimidation or threats • 22% participated “voluntarily” • 43% reported “covert seduction” • Abusers were extrafamilial in 79%

5. Effects of Victimization • Loss of trust, problems in intimacy • Low self-esteem, peer relationship problems • Sense of guilt, self-blame, and shame • Compulsions/addictions • Sexual problems

6. Boy vs. Girl as Victims • Boys supposed to be stronger, protect self • Boys given more freedom • Girls generally can express feelings better • Girls “allowed” to be victims • Boys externalize, girls internalize

7. Impact of SA on males • Shame due to physiological reaction • Sexual identity confusion • May be eroticized to male genitalia • Cultural stigma of being “punk”, weak, gay, or vulnerable • When abuser is female, abuse may be taken less seriously

8. Same Sex Attraction Premature arousal to aspects of the abuse Limited understanding of homosexuality Making assumptions of arousal (“I must be gay”) Identification with the abuser Attempts to recreate pleasurable feelings Availability of male victim(s)

9. Lack of Resources for Males • Victim treatment historically female oriented • Lack of understanding of gender differences by treatment providers • Being only male in female group (or lack of male groups) adds to gender shame

10. Psychological Effects • Anxiety • Depression • Anger and hostility • Homophobia • Dissociation • Sense of inadequacy • Inability to define experience as abuse

11. Hyper-masculine Responses • Aggression • Exaggerated response to perceived male role or demeanor (increased risk-taking) • Promiscuity/hypersexual role definition • Numbing out through binge drinking, drug usage, video game addiction

12. Effects in Older Teens, Adults May engage in competitive sports to prove masculinity May enlist in military, go for most “manly” service (i.e., special forces, Green Berets) Avoidance of anything that looks weak, female, passive

13. Passive/Victimized Responses • Resignation of role as victim, multiple victimizations • Self-harm: cutting, burning, “jail-house tattoos”, failure to protect self in activities (not wearing helmet while skateboarding, seatbelt in car, etc.)

14. Sexual Problems - Teens Confusion over orientation due to lack of experience Sexual experimentation due to lack of experience Repeated exposure to perpetrator Promiscuity or avoidance May learn to value role as sex object

15. Sexual Problems - Adults Hypersexuality or avoidance of sex Confusion of sex with intimacy Preference of 2-dimensional sex over the real thing Recreation of the abuse, this time he’s in charge

16. Porn as a Preference No need to please a partner Usually totally under his control – what, when, where, how Guaranteed success

17. Why Did I Go Back (or not tell someone)? • Emotional, material, and physical rewards- looking for love in all the wrong places • Confusion over love, nurturance, and abuse • Fear of disbelief, retaliation • Lack of understanding of what it all means • Inability to set boundaries

18. Substance Abuse in Teens, Adults Multiple rehab failures as clue Numbing out as way of life As compensatory behavior, chemical usage is preferable to hurting self or others May be coping means for dealing with the abuse

19. Victim to Victimizer • Pioneering work of Gail Ryan • Issues of control vs. being controlled- often a major factor in becoming an abuser • Societal expectations of male victim becoming an abuser

20. Factors in Choosing to Abuse • Premature sexual turn on • Compensatory behaviors • Acting out • Acting in • Numbing out Replication of what was done to him (reversing the victimization process)

21. Learning Theory ? • Anticipated rewards • Identification with abuser • Reversal of roles • Lack of permissible outlets (masturbation feels good, but it ain’t the real thing) • Need to feel more powerful, not a victim

22. Who was in the house? Bed, bedroom? Privacy, nudity Age when bathing alone How learned about pregnancy, age Earliest sexual memory Childhood exploration games, (Truth/Dare) Earliest genital touching, pleasurable sensations Parental reaction Same/Opposite sex contacts Sexual History

23. Sexual History (cont.) • Age of first masturbation, how did he learn? • Age and circumstances of first ejaculation • Attitudes of friends about masturbation • Use of paraphernalia • Age, circumstances, name of partners for: 1st kiss, touching, oral, intercourse Use of erotica and pornography, computer activities, including online relationships

24. Helping Males Disclose You are not the police You are not CPS You don’t give Miranda Warnings

25. Difficulties in disclosing • Fear of being judged (weak, gay, willing) • Fear of getting his perpetrator in trouble- more for adolescents than adults • Excuse or justification for his abusing • Belief (especially for female abuse) that it was not abuse – maybe it wasn’t

26. “Attempts or Close Calls” • “He tried to, but I….” • Uncomfortable or pressured experiences with same or opposite sex

27. Treatment Issues Assess his ability to integrate abuser treatment vs. need for victim-specific treatment Educate to normalize the experience

28. It’s All About Needs • Driving force behind all behaviors • Physical vs. emotional • We all have them • Needs met in different arenas (work, family, relationships, community, etc.) • Email me for list of needs

29. Prevalence Normalize feelings Physiological issues Sexual orientation Counter bad advice (especially “get over it”) Abuser have access? (Particularly for teens) MOs of abusers (particularly if his MO or victim selection is different) Educate about choices Knowledge = Empowerment

30. Treatment issues for abuser/victim • Unless PTSD interferes with offender treatment, treat the offender issues first • Disclosure of abuse in group (is it safe to disclose? Can this be useful for empathy? Avoid turning it into a victims’ group) • Working both sides of the same coin • Which feels worse/more shameful?

31. Gay, Straight, Confused • Physiological reactions • Re-enacting abuse • Fixation on penises • Intrusive thoughts/fantasies • And what about the family pet?

32. Five part letter • What you did to me (in graphic but not pornographic detail) • How it has affected my life • How I feel about what you did • How I feel about you • What I want you to do about it

33. Part 1 – What You Did • What you did to me (in graphic but not pornographic detail) • Can be clarifying process • Detailed to make it real but not arousing to reader • Should be written as if it is not going to be sent • Stop process if getting overwhelming

34. Part 2 – How It Has Affected My Life Inventory of problems and issues May be upsetting and depressing Helps link abuse with life and behaviors

35. Part 3 – How I Feel About the Abuse Allows exploration of mixed feelings (if present) around the abuse Especially important where the developmental issues of the victim have changed due to maturation or insight

36. Part 4 – How I Feel About You May be ambivalence towards the person and his actions Allows for discussion of “What could have been”

37. Part 5 – What I Want You to Do About It Should be done in order, not jumped ahead Can be for validation, justice, protection, financial remuneration, etc. May be very different after going through the first four parts

38. Expectations from his abuser • In general, what would he want to see in a letter from his perpetrator? • Apology? • Request for forgiveness? • Explanations/excuses?

39. Dual status dance • Alternating between role of victim and victimizer • Discuss comfort level for both • Ability to understand own victimization • Awareness that perception of victim status will change through life cycle

40. Resources on Male Survivors www.malesurvivor.org www.jimhopper.com www.JoeKort.com ken.singer@comcast.net