Divorce By the Numbers

1. Divorce By the Numbers • 50% - most state that this percent of marriages will end in divorce. • Actually, for college educated people, marital stability is improving • Ex: 23% of college grads married in the 70’s split • In the 90’s – 16%

2. If you married in the 80’s, what were the chances you stayed married? • College educated: 81% • Under 26 when married: 65% • High School grads: 49%

3. Why are divorce rates recently down? • Poorer and lower educated people just aren’t marrying. • Middle and upper class people are marrying later and that is correlated with marital success.

4. Predicting &Preventing Divorce • The Gottman’s Research: • How do you know your marriage is in trouble even over? On the surface it may seem like nothing is wrong. Too often we hear couples say, “everyone thought we were the happiest couple,” only to find they are divorcing. The couple does not argue, act contemptuous, or stonewall. They are calm, cool, and reasonable about their conflicts. What you are observing is one or both of them has emotionally detached. If one of them has moved the other out of their quality world the relationship is over. • Couples leave a marriage differently. Some divorce, others stay together for the benefits of marriage but without a relationship. They live parallel lives. There is no emotional, sexual, are social activities alone as a couple. They come together around kids, money, hanging out with their friends. Gottman in his research has found there are four final stages that signal the death of a relationship. • 1. You see your marital problems as severe. • 2. Talking things over seems useless. You try to solve problems on your own. • 3. You start leading parallel lives • 4. Loneliness sets in. • Gottman’s research indicates that when a couple gets to the last stage, one or both partners may often have an affair. The affair is usually a symptom of a dying marriage not the cause. This could also include heavy drinking, gambling, preoccupation with television, etc. All of these activities keep the dying relationship afloat. The end of the marriage can often be predicted long before these symptoms appeared. • These symptoms include 1) Harsh startups, 2) Failed repair attempts, 3) Emotional flooding, and 4) Pervasive negative thoughts about the marriage (Core Negative Image) are indicators your moving towards divorce.

5. The Future of Marriage • What is marriage?

6. Gay Access to Marriage • Do gay people have access to either of these right now? • Domestic partnerships • Some cities and counties in North Carolina recognize domestic partnerships. Registered domestic partners are legally recognized only by the jurisdiction in which they registered. The partnerships allow the extension of health benefits to employees and their domestic partners. The cities and counties in North Carolina with domestic-partner registries are the following: • Chapel Hill • Chapel Hill allows registration of domestic partnershipsbetween any two adults who live together in a long-term relationship of indefinite duration, with an exclusive mutual commitment in which the partners share the necessities of life and are financially interdependent, and also are not married to anyone else, do not have another domestic partner and not related by blood more closely than would bar their marriage in the state. • Carrboro • Carrboro permits domestic partnerships between any two persons who are residents of the Town of Carrboro or at least one of whom is an employee of the Town of Carrboro. • Durham • In 2003, Durham became the third city to allow domestic-partner benefits to employees. • Orange County • In 2003, Orange County, North Carolina, Commissioners approved a measure to extend benefits to domestic partners of county employees. Benefits available include dependent health, dental, life, retiree health insurance, funeral leave, sick leave, shared leave and family leave of absence. The estimated cost for one percent of Orange County (or seven employees) to participate in domestic partner benefits was $17,000 for the county's contribution. • Greensboro • Greensboro began offering domestic-partner benefits in 2007.The town council was initially concerned that by offering domestic-partner benefits they would be in violation of North Carolina's crimes-against-nature law as well as federal equal-protection laws if they offered those benefits to same-sex couples and not unmarried heterosexual couples. • Mecklenburg • Mecklenburg County passed policy allowing domestic-partner benefits for county employees and their partners in December 2009.The approved plan defines "domestic partners" as two same-sex people in a "spousal like" and "exclusive, mutually committed" relationship in which both "share the necessities of life and are financially interdependent". • Asheville • On February 22, 2011, the City Council of Asheville authorized the creation of a Domestic Partner Registry to recognize same-sex relationships, becoming the first city in Western North Carolina to do so. The registry became available on May 2, 2011.

7. IS Gay Marriage a Civil Rights Issue? • Yes? • Depends on assumption that people are born gay. • Assumes there are rights and protections in the Constitution that they are being denied. • No? • Depends on assumption that people choose to be gay • Denies any constitutional rights are being denied.

8. May 10, 2012

9. In addition . . . • Iowa has court ordered gay marriage. • Voted against: NY legislature, CA referendum in 2008 • Washington DC recognizes gay marriages from other states as of May 2009