Interpersonal Forgiveness: From Hurting to Healing and Hope HealthCare Chaplaincy Network

1. Interpersonal Forgiveness: From Hurting to Healing and Hope HealthCare Chaplaincy Network Annual Conference 2019 Dr. Preston C. VanLoon, BCC

2. Objectives: By the end of the presentation, participants will be able to: • Define and identify myths and misconceptions associated with interpersonal forgiveness. • Describe and apply skills and strategies used in the interpersonal forgiveness process. • List and recognize the benefits and outcomes of practicing interpersonal forgiveness.

3. “If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive.” Mother Teresa

4. “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” Nelson Mandela

5. “If you cannot free people their from their wrongs and see them as the needy people they are, then you enslave yourself to your own painful past. By fastening yourself to the past, you let your hate become your future.” Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget

6. Interpersonal conflict and forgiveness has been widely discussed and researched in the fields of: • Theology • Psychology/Counseling • Moral Philosophy

7. Forgiveness Research • Parentally love deprived college students • Incest survivors • The elderly • Adolescents • Families • Physicians/unsuccessful treatment • Personal character • Clergy and the church • Others

8. Interpersonal Forgiveness is emphasized in many of the major religions: Buddhism - Forgiveness removes unhealthy emotions that cause harm to our mental well-being. Sikhism - Forgiveness is viewed as a remedy to anger and a divine gift. Judaism - Forgiveness is viewed as a pious act and those who cause harm need to sincerely apologize. Isalm - Comes from the word peace and forgiveness is a prerequisite for genuine peace, not violence. Christianity – Forgiveness is central to the message of Christianity.

11. Why Clergy? Consider: • 80% of pastors are discouraged in their role as pastors. • For every 20 pastors who go into ministry, only one retires from the ministry. • 25% of pastors have been forced out or fired from ministry. • 45% of pastors say they have experienced depression or burnout, needing to take a leave of absence. • 1,500 pastors leave the ministry each month due to burnout or contention in their churches. • Of 1050 pastors surveyed by the Schaeffer Institute,100% said they knew someone who left the ministry because of burnout, conflict in the church, or moral failure. • 50% of pastors’ marriages end in divorce. (Fail: Finding Hope and Grace in the Midst of Ministry Failure; IVP, 2014)

12. Areas where Clergy/Chaplains Struggle with Interpersonal Conflict • Members of their congregations • Working with Administrative Boards/staff • Their marriages/families • Churches • Community members • Their personal lives/relationships • Issues from their childhood • Past leadership positions • Other?

13. A Cognitive Development Intervention for Clergy: Forgiveness Education

14. Chaplain/Clergy Research Study: Randomized, experimental, two group study (34 participants from 11 different denominations) Experimental (Forgiveness) Group Avg. Age = 48 years Avg. Years Experience in Ministry = 17 yrs Control (Human Relations) Group Avg. Age = 51 years Avg. Years Experience in Ministry = 15 yrs

15. Assessments: • Psychological Forgiveness Profile • Willingness to Forgive Measure • Anger Scale • Anxiety Scale • Hope Scale • Self-esteem Scale Each assessment was administered on six different occasions over the six week course during the experiment.

16. Forgiveness Study Results • The group that was taught forgiveness experienced a change in their thinking toward forgiveness and increase in their willingness to forgive their offenders compared to the control group. • The group that was taught forgiveness also increased in their willingness to use forgiveness with others who had interpersonal hurt.

17. Other research findings: • Participants with higher self-esteem were more willing to forgive than those with lower self esteem. • Educational interventions help in the reduction of anxiety. • Forgiveness interventions help to release anger that has been internalized. • Interpersonal forgiveness results in greater hope and new meaning or purpose in life.

18. As clergy practice interpersonal forgiveness, they also develop greater: • Ability to recognize and manage their own hurt. • Empathy and acceptance of others. • Understanding of their own pasts. • Effectiveness in facilitating interpersonal forgiveness with others. • Integration of psychology and theology in their own lives.

19. Chaplain/Clergy Forgiveness Study Oxygen Mask Analogy

20. When someone hurts us, it affects us holistically:

21. The Conflict/Hurt Needing Forgiveness The hurt: • May be physical, emotional, social, mental, or moral. • Happens when the offended party has a sense of justice (i.e. being wronged).

22. How are we affected by interpersonal conflict and hurt in our lives? • Cognitively – What are some of thoughts that we might have when we are unjustly hurt by others? • Affectively – What are some feelings that we might have when we are unjustly hurt by others? • Behaviorally – What are some behaviors that we might show when we are unjustly hurt by others?

23. In a research study of 5000 Christians on personal character, forgiveness is the area where Christians have the most difficulty. (Zigarelli, 2002)

24. What is Interpersonal Forgiveness? (Common Myths and Misconceptions): • Forgiveness means forgetting the offense never happened and going back the way things were before. • Forgiveness is a sign of weakness and vulnerability. • Forgiveness doesn’t make things fair to others or ourselves.

25. Myths and Misconceptions continued: • Forgiveness is only needed for those we care for, can see, or those who want to be forgiven. • Forgiveness happens quickly and easily. • Forgiveness is our duty and responsibility as human beings. • Forgiveness means putting up with or excusing inappropriate behavior.

26. When We Do Not Forgive… …We are the ones who suffer when we do not forgive. Our lives are destroyed by our own: • Anger • Bitterness • Anxiety • Resentment • Hatred • Revenge • Sleeplessness

28. Reasons People Do Not Want to Forgive Brainstorm: What are some reasons people may give for not wanting to forgive? • “If this hadn’t happened, I’d have a perfect life.” • Thinking that you are the good guy or better person. • A sense of power. • It protects us from being hurt again.

29. Unforgiveness as a Disease According to Dr. Steven Standiford, chief of surgery at the Cancer Center Treatments of America, unforgiveness is classified in medical books as a disease. Refusing to forgive makes people sick. He states: “Harboring negative emotions, anger and hatred, create a state of chronic anxiety.”

30. Interpersonal forgiveness is NOT: • Reconciliation • Condoning and/or excusing • Justification • Allowing emotions to diminish over time • Forgetting • Just saying “I forgive you” • A one time decision

31. A definition of forgiveness: “Forgiveness is an internal decision, with external manifestations, to overcome and let go of the negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with being unjustly hurt by another by choosing to express compassion, kindness, and love toward one’s offender, though he or she does not deserve them.” VanLoon

32. Common Threads in Forgiveness Definitions/Theory 1. There is an injury or violation with subsequent emotional/physical pain. 2. The violation results in a broken/fragmented relationship between parties. 3. The perpetuation of the injury is halted. 4. A cognitive process is pursued where the painful event or action is understood or reframed within a fuller context. 5. There is a release or letting go of justifiable emotion and retaliation related to the event. 6. There is a renegotiation of the relationship.

33. Reasons to Forgive • Forgiveness allows us to relieve ourselves of the debilitating effects of chronic anger and resentment. • Forgiveness is being fair to yourself and the wrong suffered, it’s pain and revenge are unfair. • Forgiveness allows us to move beyond our past wounds and see life from a new perspective.

34. Forgiveness offers the possibility of healing and reconciliation, bringing new life, not death, to a relationship. • Forgiveness gives us the freedom to deal with our wrong realistically and bring healing to our hurts. • Forgiveness is for people who are human, who not only need to forgive, but also need to be forgiven. • Forgiveness allows us to transform the energy invested in our pain and hurt to bring healing to our memory and hope to our future.

35. Forgiveness: Justice, Mercy, and Grace • Justice: getting what you deserve • Mercy: not getting what you deserve • Grace: getting what you don’t deserve

36. Interpersonal Forgiveness explained: • A by-product of an ongoing healing process. • A sign of possible self-esteem. • Letting go of intense emotions attached to incidents from our past. • Recognizing that we no longer need our grudges, resentments, hatred, and self pity. • No longer wanting to punish people who hurt us. • Accepting that nothing we do to punish our offender will heal us. • Freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. • Moving on.

37. Developmental Changes and Forgiveness • Movement toward improved cognition, affect, and behavior. • Learning about and practicing forgiveness helps develop the ability to forgive. • Changes from feelings of hate and resentment to compassion and love. • A desire to learn and practice forgiveness.

38. Forgiveness is a Process • “Forgiveness is a process not a single act.” (Augsburger, 1988) • “Forgiveness is a psychological process that occurs throughout life.” (Smith, 1988) • “Forgiveness came in bits and pieces.” (Smedes,1984)

39. Benefits of Forgiving Others • Decrease in depression • Decrease in anxiety • Decrease in displacement of anger • Decrease in use of defense mechanisms • Prevention of escalation of revenge • Improved intrapersonal peace

40. Benefits of Forgiveness continued: • Improved interpersonal relationships • Improved affect • Improved self-esteem • Reduction in stress symptoms • Lower blood pressure • Reduction in insomnia • Less digestive problems

41. In a research study of 5000 Christians and the development of character, Zigarelli (2002) found a positive correlation between the practice interpersonal forgiveness and the amount of joy experienced in life.

42. 10Strategies for Practicing Forgiveness • Commit to forgiveness as a way of living • Change your thinking about what happened, the person who offended you, and yourself • Reframe your offender and see you offender from a broader perspective • Develop empathy toward the person who offended you by understanding their hurt

43. Forgiveness strategies… • Show compassion toward your offender and their suffering • Practice kindness and kind actions toward your offender • Wish the best for the person who hurt you • Be merciful toward your offender even though it is not deserved • Pray for the person who hurt you • Take the high road by not returning evil with evil

44. The effect forgiveness has on us Cognitively Here, the offended person ceases condemning judgments and the planning of revenge. The offended person may realize that he or she has a right to negative thoughts, yet is willing to forgo them. Positive thoughts emerge toward the offender, such as wishing the offender well and viewing the offender as a moral equal.

45. The effect forgiveness has on us Affectively Negative emotions such as anger, hatred, resentment, sadness, and contempt are given up. These are replaced by more neutral emotions and eventually a positive affect including the willingness, through compassion and love, to help the offender.

46. The effect of forgiveness has on us Behaviorally Here, the offended person no longer acts out the revenge. Instead, there is a willingness to join in community or make overtures in that direction.

47. “Forgiveness is love’s antidote for hate, beginning with passive hate, the loss of energy to wish people well…you will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the power to wish them well.” Lewis Smedes, Forgive and Forget

48. Contact Information Email: pvl1071@yahoo.com Personal Website: www.drpvl.com Book Website: www.thepathtoforgiveness.net Phone: (701) 751-3434

49. Thank you! Questions?