Ten Easy Steps to Longer Sentences

1. Ten Easy Steps to Longer Sentences (how not to write)

2. Take any sentence . . . Students do not like the food in the cafeteria.

3. Step 1: Make it passive The food in the cafeteria is not liked by students.

4. Step 2: Lengthen the sentence by referring to studies, even if you’re not aware of any. Studies have found that the food in the cafeteria is not liked by students.

5. Step 3: Replace simple words with multiple-syllable words or phrases. Studies have found that the comestibles in the commissary do not flatter the palates of autodidacts.

6. Step 4: Use sophisticated verbs, the more vague the better. Found is too clear: indicate, develop, and identify are multipurpose verbs. If you use identify, you can lengthen by adding the fact. Studies have identified the fact that the comestibles in the commissary do not flatter the palates of autodidacts.

7. Step 5: Rely on meaningless adjectives such as available and appropriate to lengthen sentences without changing the meaning. Various available and applicable studies have identified the factthat the available comestibles in the commissary do not flatter the palates of autodidacts.

8. Step 6: Use weasel words as often as possible (a number of, replace will and would with can and could). A number of various available and applicable studies have generally identified the factthat available comestibles in the commissary are usually not flattering to the palates of autodidacts.

9. Step 7: Sprinkle your sentence with classic redundancies A number ofvarious available and applicable studies in the past history have generally identified the factthat the available comestibles in the commissary are usually not flattering to the palates of each and every autodidact.

10. Step 8: Add meaningless “it is” and “there is/there are” expressions There is no escaping the fact that it is considered very important to note that a number of various available and applicable studies in the past history have identified the factthat the available comestibles in the commissary are usually not flattering to the palates of each and every autodidact.

11. Step 9: For the precision that all good writing deserves, use legalisms, the more redundant the better.

12. There is no escaping the fact that it is considered very important to note that a number of various available and applicable studies in the past history have generally identified the fact that the available comestibles in the commissary are usually not flattering to the palates of each and every autodidact during the dinner hours, including but limited to the time prior to 7:00 p.m. on weekdays and 9:00 p.m. on weekends.

13. Step 10: Use foreign words or phrases to lengthen and enliven your sentences. Especially apt are Latinisms and other obscurities whose meanings have long been forgotten if they were ever known.

14. There is no escaping the fact that it is considered very important to note that a number of various available and applicable studies in the past history have generally identified ipso facto that the available comestibles in the commissary are usually not flattering to the palates of each and every autodidact during the dinner hours, including but limited to the time prior to 7:00 p.m. on weekdays and 9:00 on weekends.

15. Following these simple steps, you too can increase your sentences well above the level of incomprehensibility. And, you can accomplish this feat with little or no change in meaning. Final tally: I went from 9 (Students do not like the food in the cafeteria) to 71.

16. Go the Other Way . . . Simplify It There are numerous and diverse on-lookers and spectators who have observed and noted that the fallable and arable vacinity overcome with grassy and leafy vegetation, sans corn-like constructs, was nimbly and gracefully maneuvered in a hopping and bouncing manner by the paltry and dimunitive shaggy mink-like furry animal irregardless of hair length, be it long or short, that are a characterized, but not limited to, creatures that are universally characterized by their elongated and oustretched fleshy appendages connected to their craniums and pair of two protrudesome teeth on the centermost are of their upper manible.

17. And You Get . . . The rabbit hopped across the field.