Navigating Troubled Water

1. Navigating Troubled Water Navigating the pathway of tough conversations, discipline and other Human Resources waves. April M. Lynch | Associate Vice President for Human Resources| lynchap@udmercy.edu| | 313.993.1524 Netina Anding-Moore| Associate Director of Human Resources| andingnv@udmercy.edu| | 313.993.1445

2. Game Plan for the Day • The need and desire for honest communication • How to navigate crucial conversations • Addressing discipline • Addressing accountability within the confinements of labor laws (FMLA & ADA)

3. “Let us all be the leaders we wish we had.”Simon Sinek, Leaders Eat Last "People will forget what you said, they will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel."  Maya Angelou

4. Mission/Vision Mashup Detroit Mercy Mission Statement University of Detroit Mercy, a Catholic university in the Jesuit and Mercy traditions, exists to provide an excellent employeecentered organizationin an urban context. As a Detroit Mercy employerweseek to integrate the intellectual, spiritual, ethical and social development of our employees. Detroit Mercy Vision Statement University of Detroit Mercy will be recognized as a premier private university in the Great Lakes region, distinguished by employeeswho lead and serve their university and each other.

5. Our goal is to provide tools for you as supervisors to: Ensure that employees feel valued and have learning opportunities so they can contribute to the mission and vision of the organization Prepare a pathway of success for our employees Build leaders within the organization University of Detroit Mercy Success Starts WithU

6. Reframing How You Communicate “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. -George Bernard Shaw” Evaluations

7. What is a crucial conversation?

8. How We Handle a Crucial Conversation

9. Did You Know? A 20 year study of 100,000 people revealed the KEY skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents and loved ones is the capacity to skillfully address emotionally and politically risky issues.

10. The Case for Crucial Conversations Organizations who have employees and leaders skilled in Crucial Conversations may see the following: • Respond five times faster to financial downturns • 2/3 more likely to avoid injury and death due to unsafe conditions • Save over $1,500 and an eight hour workday for every crucial conversation employees hold rather than avoid • Increase trust and reduce transaction costs between co-workers • Influence change in colleagues who are bullying, conniving, dishonest or incompetent (meaning their behavior is addressed.

11. Mastering Crucial Conversations “Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter” -Martin Luther King, Jr.

13. Dialogue: The free flow of meaning between two or more people.

14. Fools Choice: You believe it’s either/or….

15. Pool of Shared Learning Collecting the thoughts, ideas and synergy of those of whom you are sharing a dialogue.

16. Start with the Heart “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” — Ambrose Bierce

17. Work on YOU First, THEM Second • It’s our tendency to focus on three things: • Winning • Punishing • Keep the Peace • When you start moving toward silence or violence, it’s time to reframe: • Silence: Salute and stay mute (the use of the word FINE) • Violence: Verbal attacks, manipulation (Game on!) • We should be focusing on what we want as an outcome and refusing the Fool’s Choice-meaning only one outcome-MINE or THEIRS

18. Learn to Look “To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others. -Anthony Roberts

19. Learning to Spot a Crucial Conversation Watch for conditions and turn on your emotional intelligence (in some cases start learning EI) Pay attention to when a conversation turns crucial; start by addressing your own emotional or physical change in your own body Keep a vigilant eye on safety-remember when a space is safe, dialogue can continue. When people feel unsafe they move to silence or violence

20. Silence Versus Violence • Silence: Withholding information from the pool of meaning • Masking: Understating or selectively showing our true opinions i.e. Sarcasm, sugar coating, couching • Avoiding: steering completely away from sensitive subjects i.e. changing the topic, not answering the questions • Withdrawing: pulling out of the conversation all together i.e. not returning phone calls, canceling meetings

21. Silence Versus Violence • Violence: Any verbal strategy that attempts to convince, control, or compel others to your point of view • Controlling: coercing other to your way of thinking i.e. cutting others off, overstating your facts, speaking in absolutes • Labeling: putting a label on people or ideas so we can dismiss them i.e. stating someone is lazy or a liar so their opinion doesn’t matter • Attacking: making the person suffer i.e. belittling, threatening

22. Know You First While seeing and understanding the behaviors of other people to keep a safe space, first you must understand yourself. Take this test to see what your style under stress looks like: https://www.vitalsmarts.com/styleunderstress/

23. Mental Exercise Before going into a meeting, take a few minutes and write out the following: How will I show up to this meeting? How will I be present? How will I look for conditions that the conversation is moving toward unsafe conditions? What is it I really need from this person/team/issue?

24. Making and Maintaining Safe Spaces Step Out and Make it Safe (remember signs of safety concerns, typically silence or violence. Focus on Mutual Purpose and/or Mutual Respect to get the dialogue back to a safe place Go Back to the heart-go back to why you are having the conversation; avoiding again, the Fool’s Choice Complete the dialogue once you see that the safety is back in the conversation (dialogue begins again…two or more people)

25. Strategies to Step Out of a Crucial Conversation • Apologize when you have made a mistake that hurt others • Contrast to address a misunderstanding: Don’t/Do Statement • Don’t: addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have malicious intent • Do: confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose • Example: “The last thing I wanted to do was communicate that I don’t value the work you put in or that I didn’t want to share it with the VP. I think your work has been nothing short of spectacular” • Create a Mutual Purpose

26. Creating a Mutual Purpose aka Compromise C: Commit to Seek Mutual Purpose: You have to agree to agree. Ask yourself what do I want for me? For others? For our relationship? R: Recognize the Purpose Behind the Strategy You will need to determine a new strategy if there is a new purpose. I: Invent a Mutual Purpose Dialogue may take you down another path and now you have a new purpose B: Brainstorm New Strategies Find ways to accomplish the new mutual purpose and how to move it forward

27. “Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking it makes it so. -William Shakespeare

28. How to Stay in Dialogue when YOU are Angry, Scared or Hurt Understanding, not only your emotions, but where they come from is the first and most important piece in taking charge of YOUR feelings.

29. See, Tell, Feel, Act You act on how you feel From a story that you create From information you saw or heard We need to learn to master our stories…

30. Retrace Your Path ACT: Notice your behavior, am I in some form of silence or violence FEEL: Get in touch with your feelings, what emotions are encouraging me to feel this way TELL: Analyze your story, what was done or said to create that emotion. SEE: Get back to the facts, what was actually said

31. Watch the Characters in a Story VICTIM: It’s not my fault Turn victims into actors-Am I pretending to not notice my role in the problem? VILLAIN: It’s all your fault Turn villains into humans-what would a reasonable, rational, and decent person do what this person is doing? HELPLESS: There’s nothing I can do Turn the helpless into the able-What do I really want? For me? For others? For the relationship?

32. What Have We Learned So Far? • Preparation to step outside and master a crucial conversation • Our hearts need to be in the right place • We need to pay attention to the signals that we have moved to a crucial conversation • We need to restore safety when we or someone else starts to feel unsafe • We need to stop tell ourselves unhelpful stories

33. Creating or Initiating a Tough Conversation We will look at five skills for talking when what we have to say could easily make others defensive. We will explore how these same skills help us state our opinions.

34. STATE Your Path S: Share your facts T: Tell your story A: Ask for others’ path T: Talk Tentatively E: Encourage Testing

35. Share Your Facts • Know your facts, what are they • Facts are facts, they are 100% true • Facts are the least controversial • Facts are the most persuasive • Facts are least insulting • You: I noticed you were 20 minutes late this morning. We need to talk.

36. Tell Your Story • Understand why you are telling the story • Don’t pile on (keep the one story) • Prepare for the conversation to start feeling unsafe • YOU: You have been late a lot lately • THEM: I have to get my kids off to school • YOU: I understand that however, the phone coverage needs to start at 8:30 and we need you at your desk to support our students. How are we going to fix this?

37. Ask for Others’ Path • Ask and want the facts of the others’ story • Listen to what they have to say • Prepare to shift your endgame once you hear the facts. • THEM: My mother is in the hospital and she always took my kids to school. • YOU: I’m sorry about your mom, how long has she been in the hospital? • THEM: For last month, I have hired a college student to watch the kids, but they won’t start until next month.

38. Talk Tentatively • We tell our story as a story, not hard facts • Continue to blend confidence and humility • Be soft as long as you can so you can continue to share and they feel safe

39. Talk Tentatively • YOU: I wish you would have said something, this must be hard for you. However, I still need to the phone covered, so do you have any recommendations? • THEM: I understand, I should have said something but I thought I had it handled. Do you think Susan could cover the phones until August 1, I can stay until 5:30, it’s just my mornings. • YOU: Let’s see what we can do….

40. Encourage Testing • Invite Opposing Views • Play devil’s advocate • Do it until your motive becomes obvious • Let’s change the story a little….

41. Encourage Testing • YOU: You have been late a lot lately • THEM: I have to get my kids off to school • YOU: I understand that however, the phone coverage needs to start at 8:30 and we need you at your desk to support our students. How are we going to fix this? • THEM: It’s not a big deal, I rarely get a phone call before 9 • YOU: discuss….

42. “One of the best ways to persuade others is with your ears-by listening to them. -Dean Rusk

43. How to Handle Hostility • Go back to the basics: Start with the Heart • Be sincere • Be curious • Stay curious • Be patient • Encourage Others to Retrace their path • Let them tell their story • Ask them questions: When? How? What?

44. How to Listen (AMPP) ASKto get things rolling: What do you mean, tell me more, why do you think that? MIRRORto confirm feelings: You say you’re fine, but you don’t seem fine You seem…angry, sad, frustrated PARAPHRASEto acknowledge the Story What I am hearing you say is…. What I heard is…..

45. How to Keep the Conversation Going Remember your ABC’s A: Agree. Find the agreement, acknowledge and move on B: Build. Take the agreement and build on it. Add to the pool of shared meaning, keep the conversation moving forward. C: Compare. If you do disagree compare the differences, share your path with the STATE model. Remain open to changing your outcome.

46. “To do nothing is in every man’s power. -Samuel Johnson

47. Steps to Action What Stops Action? A team has unclear expectations about how decisions are made. Leaders do a poor job of acting on the decisions we make.

48. Steps to Action Command: Decision made without involving others (You’re the boss sometimes you just have to make a decision) Consult: Input is gathered from the group and then a subset decides (usually when there are multiple options. Vote: Agreed upon percentage swings decisions. Consensus: Everyone comes to an agreement and supports the decision.

49. Steps to Action • Finish Clearly: • Create an Action Plan • Make Assignments • Follow up • Go confidently and boldly toward the future.