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Lecture 5b

COMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE. Lecture 5b. C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK. THE CHOICE POINT. T . Means Try Again (Repeat Yourself) Or Terminate Talk Or Take It Personally (Move To Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L). PASSIVE. TRY AGAIN. TRY AGAIN. OFFER SAME INFORMATION OR ADD NEW. OFFER SAME

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Lecture 5b

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  1. COMMUNICATION IN EVERYDAY LIFE Lecture 5b C.O.N.T.R.O.L TALK

  2. THE CHOICE POINT • T. Means • Try Again (Repeat Yourself) Or • Terminate Talk Or • Take It Personally (Move To Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L)

  3. PASSIVE TRY AGAIN TRY AGAIN OFFER SAME INFORMATION OR ADD NEW OFFER SAME INFORMATION OR ADD NEW TERMINATE BREAK OFF GIVE UP TAKE IT PERSONALLY THREAT FEELINGS MOVE TO HEAVY CONTROL IF LIGHT C.O.N.T.R.O.L. IS UNSUCCESSFUL? T. ACTIVE C H O I C E TERMINATE BREAK OFF GIVE UP TAKE IT PERSONALLY THREAT FEELINGS MOVE TO HEAVY CONTROL

  4. HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. STYLE ELEMENTS • R. Righteous Anger/Indignation • Strong Emotions Drive Speech • O. Overt Aggressive Or Passive/Aggressive Talk • You-Messages • Attack Person Not Problem • Disguised Emotional Talk • Create Defensiveness • Most Often Used As “Put Downs” Or Attacks, Ridiculing Humor • L. Lay Blame

  5. HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L RIGHTEOUS ANGER 0. L. RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION R. AGGRESSIVE PUT DOWN LABEL MINDREAD COMMAND VENT DEMAND THREATEN CRITICIZE RIDICULE USE SARCASM LIE PASSIVE H E A V Y INTENSE COMPLAINT DISQUALIFY WORDS WHINE PLAY MARTYR WITHHOLD DENY PUT DOWN SELF GIVE EXCUSES PROCRASTINATE LAY BLAME LAY BLAME

  6. HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.: INFLUENCE THROUGH “HARD” TACTICS • Commands and Demands • “Do it”- The “you” is unspoken • Threat- promise of punishment • “If…then: promise or • Enact punishment: - bad behavior until other gives in - aversive stimulation • Labels-more intense(-) self-feelings, (-) esteem • “You’re an idiot” • Active C.O.N.T.R.O.L. towards other • Passive C.O.N.T.R.O.L. towards self • Accusation • “You don’t care” - mind reading, (-) attribution • Blame - avoid taking responsibility • “You made me..” “Your fault…”

  7. BASIC FORM OF HEAVY C.O.N.T.O.L.: “YOU-MESSAGES” 1. Focus on the person rather than the behaviour/situation 2. Is a disguised feeling statement 3. Places blame rather than problem solves 4. Other has no choice but to defend 5.Avoids ownership - invades others’ space - makes them responsible for your thoughts, feelings

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