The perfect dysfunctional family

1. The perfect dysfunctional family By Jenny Trang CIS-1020-042

2. The media always portrays 2 types of “family” The “happy” family The “unhappy” family The dysfunctional family usually lacks one parent. The remaining parent is working. Portrayed as work-a-holic. Constantly stressed. Unattentive to their children If the parent is not single, they are fighting with their spouse. There is usually more than one other sibling. The parent is an authority figure also known as the punisher or angsty disappointed parent in films. & • The perfect family always includes both a mother and a father that are both happily in love and display their affection for each other publicly. • The father works while the mother stays at home to take care of the kids. • There is usually only one other sibling in the family, or another newborn. • Both grandparents are present.

3. The perfect family... DOES NOT ACTUALLY EXIST

4. How does the unrealistic image of the perfect happy family affect us?

5. What I was faced with personally • I have had 3 step fathers because my mother had the idealism that the only way to have a happy family is to replicate the happy family that is portrayed to us by the media exactly or else having a happy perfect family isn’t possible unless it was an exact copy of what the media dictated was considered a happy family. • I call that the happy family idealism. • She ended up giving up on trying to develop a perfect happy family and just focus on herself and her children’s happiness • She was constantly working • I hardly ever saw her • I thought she didn’t care or love me • I felt neglected • Our family never ate dinner together and wasn’t what society would deem as a happy family • I had 3 younger siblings: • Autistic 13 year old brother • 4 year old little girl • 10 year old little boy • We have no relatives in America, and my mother lost contact with her family ever since coming here over 14 years ago

6. What I did: How that made me feel: • Unhappy • Saw my family as imperfect and dysfunctional • Uncompassionate • Uncaring • Neglected • Trapped • Angry • Ignored • I also saw my mother as uncaring • Only caring about her job and making money • I fought with my mom a lot • Judged her ways of caring for her children • Demand her to buy things I wanted • Ignored her and acted indifferent when she would complain about her job to me • I would say “I don’t care” • She would end up crying and we would fight more • I was very uncompassionate and un-understanding towards my mother • And then when I hit 18, I demanded to go to a college out of state so that I could leave the family • We fought even more

7. What made me change and see things in a different way? • One day after fighting with my mother I had decided that I was going to run away and live with my friend. • So I instant messaged her on Windows Live Messenger and told her everything. • But the conversation with my friend had changed my life completely.

8. The conversation: Friend: Yeah I can let you stay at my place, but let me ask you something Jenny.. Me: Hm? Friend: Are you sad? Me: Yeah. Friend: Are you lonely? Me: Yeah… (I sat there tearing up thinking about how sad and lonely I was.) Friend: Then don’t you think your mom is just as sad and lonely as you are if not more? She has no relatives or friends, and her 3rd husband had just left her, and now she’s trying her best to make a living so that she could support you and the kids all by herself, at least you have friends and you don’t have to pay bills and buy food and clothes for your kids, and not just that but she literally has no one but you, so of course when the only person left in her life, her own daughter wants to leave her, she’s going to be upset and fight with you, she doesn’t want you to leave, she’s lonely and sad and she only has you left. Me: …

9. How that conversation changed my outlook on life • I finally sat down with my mother and had a heart to heart conversation with her, not as mother and daughter, but as equals in human beings with the ability to feel the same emotions. • I finally reached a mutual understanding with my mom. • Now my mom tries to take more time off work to spend time with the kids • I try to help out with taking care of the kids while she’s working • Me and my mother are now practically best friends • We confide in each other • We didn’t even talk to each other before or even had a normal conversation with each other, unless it involved arguing about something • Now we’re a happy family, we don’t need to be that exact image of a happy family to be a happy family • Every family is different and can find their own unique happiness.

10. My Advice • Put yourself in your parents shoes • Understand that the families that the media portrays are fictional • Normal families have issues and fight quite often • A perfect family is one with mutual understanding and respect • You don’t need both parents to have a happy family • You can get into disagreements and fight with one another • As long as it concludes with further understanding of each other and respect for each other’s differences. • Most important of all is to be grateful and thankful for what you have, a lot of people your age don’t even the luxury of having a mother or a father • Think about what you would feel if you didn’t have your parents to support you and to provide for you.

11. My Advice • Have a more positive outlook for everything • If you only notice the dysfunctional negative parts of your family, then that’s all you will really ever see • Notice the good things! • There’s actually a lot of them if you actually look for them • Love your family for their imperfections • No family is like your own! Every family is different and unique, and special to you. • And don’t let the media define your family for you!