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THE ROLE OF MOTHER IN HER SON’S LIFE

THE ROLE OF MOTHER IN HER SON’S LIFE. Understanding the Psychological Needs of your child. St Stephen’s School 10 March 2012. CHALLENGES. ISSUES. MAIN ISSUES FACING PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN AND THEIR FAMILY

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THE ROLE OF MOTHER IN HER SON’S LIFE

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  1. THE ROLE OF MOTHER IN HER SON’S LIFE Understanding the Psychological Needs of your child. St Stephen’s School 10 March 2012

  2. CHALLENGES ISSUES

  3. MAIN ISSUES FACING PRIMARY SCHOOL CHILDREN AND THEIR FAMILY • High Expectations: school and family – over-expectation & over estimation of the child’s abilities. • Stress: coping with school work – excessive homework given • Material pursuits: branded goods – more money, less parental control. • Strong peer group identification: “unstable relationship” with parents.

  4. Communication breakdown: at home • Liberal Society: losing our Singaporean/Asian culture….take on another culture. • High dependency on maids: “we paid her to work for us…” • Adolescents leaving home issues/parents mid-life issues

  5. 4 STAGES OF MID-CHILDHOOD THAT AFFECT HEALTHY GROWTH Stage 1: (birth – 1 year old) Trust versus Mistrust: If trust is not properly developed, we have a poor self-image and/or feel abandoned. Stage 2: (1 to 3 years old) Autonomy versus Shame and Doubt: The issue here is the ability to gain some kind of control over the self. If we do not, we are left with a sense of failure. Stage 3: (3 to 6 years old) Initiative versus Guilt: If initiative is not developed, we feel inadequate and shut down. Stage 4: (6 to 12 years old) Industry versus Inferiority: Here we need to be encouraged to do what we can, or else we develop feelings of inferiority. - Erik Erikson

  6. SINGAPORE FAMILIES Needs, Demands, Wants, Challenges & Responsibilities Material Needs & Wants Spiritual Needs Financial Commitments Work Demands Educational Demands OUR FAMILY In-Laws Relations Societal Norm to Achieve / Excel Household Chores Children’s Needs Domestic Helpers Personal Needs Marital Needs Spousal Needs

  7. YOUR CHILD’S ADJUSTMENT

  8. Your Child’s Adjustments SCHOOL ADJUSTMENT Academic Self-Concept Academic Achievement School Adjustment PSYCHOLOGICAL ADJUSTMENT Personal Self-concept Emotional Well-being Personal Autonomy / Decision-making SOCIAL COMPETENCE Friendship-Class / CCA / Chat Lines Boy-Girl Relationship (12+) continue

  9. ...Continued COPING STRATEGIES Time Management Stress Management Problem-Solving Skills EMOTIONAL GROWTH Emotional Management Emotion Coaching needed

  10. The Psychosocial needs of a schooling child 1. The Physical Contact 2. Intellectual Need 3. Praise and Recognition 4. Emotional Needs 5. Responsibility 6. Unconditional Love and Security

  11. ?? Questions to Ponder ?? Understanding the Needs and Wants of Children, how will you as parents begin to communicate and relate differently now? What current Parenting Mindsets do you need to modify in order to better parent your child ?

  12. EXAMPLES OF PARENTING WHICH WENT WRONG • The parent who “avoids trouble”: so…just do it for him/her. • The parent who gives in: …….to keep peace. • The parent who devalues the word “promise”. • The parent who doesn’t keep his words • The parent who uses double messages: he wants the child to tell the truth and yet he doesn’t trust him. • The parent who upgrades the child to an adult position

  13. The parent who uses ineffective choice • of words: • e.g. I want you to hang your clothes – • is that OK? Can you ……..or not? • Be clear with your command. • The inferior or de-valued parent. • The always arguing parent: father • arguing with son.

  14. PARENTING REALITY CHECK • While it is ideal that it takes “2 to TANGO”, The reality is the 2 of U may TANGLE.

  15. While both parents need to be consistent and complementing each other, Reality is we parent according to our individual styles . Result in Inconsistency. The child = confused. A B C TEAMWORK

  16. Disciplining is training towards self control, NOT punishing to facilitate parental control.

  17. Discipline training which encourages self control and a capacity to cooperate through reasoning and discussion. We don’t correct our children to make them feel bad, but to help them discover a better way to do something.

  18. THE FOUNDATIONAL & FORMATIVE ROLE OF THE MOTHER (The First 10-12 years) Early Childhood Bonding & AttachmentThe Pre-school Years Primary School years

  19. THE TRANSFORMATIONAL & CRUCIAL ROLE OF THE FATHER to his son (The Next 6-8 years of his life) Pre-Teen & Early Teen Years Puberty Mid Teen Years Late Teens/Early Adulthood

  20. PARENTING IS NOT AN EASY JOB…… BUT IT IS A VERY REWARDING ONE…. To help develop a healthy personality, parents can: • Accept the child as a person. • Accept your child as they are, with all their faults • Avoid comparison with other children: consciously or unconsciously; when your children hear it they feel slighted • Be honest with your feelings

  21. 5. Be open with your warmth, affection and love. 6. Listen to your child: message = feelings + content 7. Have the courage to be imperfect : this is very difficult. 8. Set reasonable standards for your child. 9. Try to see things from your child’s point of view: setting standards together, not by the child alone or the parent. 10. Practice mutual respect: “I accept you for what you are.” (even if you have learning difficulties) 11. Avoid roadblocks to communication

  22. “roadblocks” to communication • Ordering: all the time directing/commanding • Warning: threatening • Moralizing: preaching • Lecturing: giving logical arguments • Name calling: ridiculing and shaming • Withdrawing: “lets not talk for 2 weeks!”

  23. Tips for developing healthy self-esteem in children • Help your child feel special and appreciated. • Avoid comments that are judgmental and frame them in more positive terms. • Be an empathetic parent. • Don’t compare siblings. • If your child has a learning disability, help your child to understand the nature of his/her learning disability.

  24. Communication Patterns found in a Family • Mother tends to be easier to talk to than father. • Female teens tend to start communications than male. • Father and sons tend to have the least communication. • Mother and daughters find sexual behaviour one of the most difficult areas of communication

  25. Discovering the proper balance of parental involvement is a constant struggle. But we must continue to look for the centre point between too much and too little structure and order for children, between too much and too little scheduling and between family togetherness and individual privacy. Our rules must be consistent, NOT contradicting. - ( Norman Wright )

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