Adult Child and Parent Relationships: The Separation Problem in Russia

1. Adult Child and Parent Relationships: The Separation Problem in Russia 08.06.2011

2. Child – Parent Relationships Child-Parent Relationships mid 19th century – mid 20th century 1970s - present • The central role in a person’s ontogenesis • Mostly childhood and teenage period till 1970s-80s • Adult children were not the focus • Child-parent relationships matter at any age • Interest in adult child-parent relationships increased • Various studies on adult children and their parents

3. Current Research Research on Adult Child – Parent Relationships Sociological aspects (e.g. Rossi&Rossi; Bengston; Lye) Psychological aspects (e.g. Cicirelli, Troll, Fingerman) Influence on each other (e.g. Pillmer, Knoester) Level of attachment Frequency of contact Mental Health Feelings Material help Psychological distress Attitude Geographical distance Views, values etc.

4. Issue №1 What contributes to the core changes in Adult Child and Parent Relationships ?

5. The Evolution of Child-Parent Relationships From merging to separation • When the child is born the emotional and physical • ties with parents are very strong - High level of dependence and merging with parents especially mother - Attachment bonds are being established (necessary conditions for mental health of the future adult (e.g. Bowlby) • Changes with age: moving towards independence • and separation • - New status acquisition which reflect the core changes • - Sharing roles of adults, becoming “partners” • - Structural and emotional separation

6. The Evolution of Child-Parent Relationships Separation and personal development • The separation act gives “birth” to a new personality - The separation process in mythology as a way of creation of new entities - The process of initiation as a way to be “reborn” as an adult in ancient societies - Separation from parents as a way to individuation (e.g. Hollis) and differentiation (e.g. Bowen). • Reflections in myths, folklore and literature - The myths of creation, the Odyssey, the Return of the Prodigal Son, the idea of marriage as dying and being reborn in a new family - The plays: S. Eisenhandler points out to the central moment in a play when “parents and children must face each other without recourse to roles – when they must come to terms with fidelity and treachery, love and contempt, the strong and weak moral qualities of the people they have all become”.

7. Issue №2 What happens when the separation act fails and what are the reasons for this failure?

8. Adult Child and Parent Relationships in Russia Basic differences in the family life cycles (A.Y.Varga) Classical Family Cycle Russian Family Cycle 1 stage. Enmeshed multigenerational family 2 stage. Partner is added to the enmeshed family 3 stage. First child 4 stage. Second child 5 stage. Grandparents in the focus 6 stage. Family with adult children 1 stage. Monad 2 stage. Romantic relationships 3 stage. Dyad (marriage) 4 stage. First child 5 stage. Second child 6 stage. School years 7 stage. Teenage period and separation 8 stage. Again dyad 9 stage. Monad

9. Reasons of the separation failure • Economical, Historical and Social level - Accommodation problem (up to 3 generations may share a flat) - Traumatic experience of 2nd World war and Stalin’s repressions led to higher integration between mother and children (A.Y. Varga) • Cultural level • - Strong feminine figure in Russian culture (folklore, fairy tales etc.) and weak status of men (A.Y. Varga) • - Collectivistic culture (Orthodoxy, Autocracy and Nationality) • Psychological level • - Low differentiation • - Dysfunctional families

10. Case Studies • Case study №1. Private life failure - Young woman Anna (28 years old) lives with father and mother, never had romantic relationships, has very low self-esteem and unsatisfaction with her life - Enmeshed family with central figures of the mother and grandmother - No physical and emotional separation (e.g. “We want it”, “It is very important to Us”, “My mother won’t like this man”) • Case study №2. Professional failure - Young man Dima (32 years old) lives with his wife and 4 year old child, is unhappy with his profession which is his family job. All his life is trying to prove his father he is a good son - The feeling of doing the wrong job results in periodical distress - Physical separation without emotional separation (“I want Him to except me as I am”)

11. Case Studies 70 54 48 56 54 46 50 30 30 28 22 28 35 25 4 7 4 2 • Case study №3. Family pattern transmission - Young woman Nadia (25 years old) lives with her husband, 2 year old child and her mother - After birth of the child got problems with her husband - Strongly influenced by her mother (“Reproduces mothers pattern “After birth of the child I Mother not a Woman or a Wife”)

12. What changes can be made as a solution? Macro level: Social policy and cultural norms changes Micro level: Social work with dysfunctional families • To give more opportunities for younger generation ( e.g. good conditions for the mortgage) • Improvement of psychological education (through socialization process) • Psychological culture development (e.g. festivals, free • consultations, mass media)

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