Benefits of Self-Control

1. Educational Approaches to Self-Control:Jewish and Psychological Approaches Towards Managing Sexuality

2. Benefits of Self-Control

3. A Worthy Goal: Importance of Self-control for Success in Life • Preschool children offered choice between an immediate small reward and a larger delayed reward • Those able to wait became adolescents and young adults whose parents rated them as more academically and socially competent, verbally fluent, rational, attentive, planful, and able to deal well with stress Mischel, Journal of Personality & Social Psych. 1988, 687-696

4. High Self-Control Linked to: • Better overall personal adjustment, less psychopathology • Ability to get along with others better • Better family cohesion • More trustworthy and consistent leadership

5. Benefits of Control • קהלת פרק ג פסוק ה • עת להשליך אבנים ועת כנוס אבנים עת לחבוק ועת לרחק מחבק: • Every month can be difficult to “לרחק מחבק“ so man must learn even before he gets married how to create non physical intimacy

6. Rav Tzvi Yehudah Hacohen Kook: • אהבה אחוה שלום וריעות • There is a time with a focus on the physical and a time to focus on the companionship aspect of the relationship

7. Impediments to Self-Control

8. Secrecy Breeds Shame and Powerlessness • Secrecy breed shame, shame breeds powerlessness • Guilt that is characterized by pathological levels of self-blame is likely to paralyze- guilt that focuses on behavioral self blame is likely to energize

9. Perspective: Nothing Tougher • רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה יח • אין לך דבר בכל התורה כולה שהוא קשה לרוב העם לפרוש אלא מן העריות והביאות האסורות, אמרו חכמים בשעה שנצטוו ישראל על העריות בכו וקבלו מצוה זו בתרעומות ובכיה שנאמר בוכה למשפחותיו על עסקי משפחות.

10. Need to be Doubly Cautious When Overcoming Human Nature • שולחן ערוך אבן העזר סימן כא סעיף א • צריך אדם להתרחק מהנשים מאד מאד • Even Haezer 21:1 uses the term “מאד מאד ”- in cautioning us to the need to distance ourselves greatly from inappropriate intermingling with the opposite sex • This double language seems to be reserved for situations where it is human nature to be drawn towards such activities- e.g. arrogance and lust for money (same lashon used for humility and bribery)

11. תלמוד בבלי מסכת יומא דף כט עמוד א הרהורי עבירה קשו מעבירה Fantasy is more injurious than the sin itself • Rashi understands this teaching to mean that thoughts of sin are more difficult to control than actually committing the sin itself. • הרהורי עבירה - תאות נשים, קשים להכחיש את בשרו יותר מגופו של מעשה. • It is more difficult to control something which is not considered to be a problem in the first place. • One conclusion of Rashi's analysis might well be that the reward for controlling one's thoughts would be greater than the reward for avoiding an "actual" sin, following the principle taught in the Ethics of the Fathers: • In accordance with the difficulty is the reward. (Mishna Avos 5:26) Rabbi Ari Kahn, Aish

12. Rambam on הרהורי עבירה • SANCTITY OF THE MIND • Maimonides, in the Guide for the Perplexed, has a radically different understanding: • You already know the teaching "Thoughts of sin are kashe, more difficult, than sin." (Yoma 29a) I have a wonderful explanation: If a person sins, it is generally due to circumstances which result from his being a physical creature -- that is, a person will sin due to the animal side of himself. But thoughts are the treasure of a person which follow his "form" (his image of God) and if a person sins with his thoughts, then he has sinned with his greatest asset ... [because] the purpose of the mind is to cling to God, not to slip below [to the animal level]. (Guide for the Perplexed 3:8) Rabbi Ari Kahn, Aish

13. On the Importance of Controlling “הרהורי עבירה " • Therefore, if a person sins with his body, it is understandable because the body is physical, and therefore has all sorts of physical urges and animal instincts. The mind, on the other hand, is the manifestation of the image of God. To sin with one's mind is therefore a greater desecration than sinning with one's body. • Rabbi Ari Kahn

14. Recommendations: Effective Ways of Thinking About Self-Control Mind-set: Goals, Monitoring, Attitude

15. Struggle as an Engine of Growth

16. Struggle as an Engine of Growth: Vilna Gaon משלי פרק ד פסוק יג החזק במוסר אל תרף נצרה כי היא חייך: : • Take hold of instruction; let her not go; keep her; for she is your life. • כי מה שהאדם חי הוא כדי לשבור מה שלא שבר עד הנה אותו המדה • לכן צריך תמיד להתחזק ואם לא יתחזק למה לו חיים

17. How Goals are Framed Matter • Better performances are observed when people Set themselves challenging, specific goals as compared With challenging but vague goals • Goal-proximity effect (proximal goals lead to better performances than distal goals • Goal attainment is also more likely when people frame their good intentions as learning goals (to learn how to perform a given task) rather than performance Goals (to find out through task performance how capable one is • Focus on the presence or absence of positive outcomes rather than focusing on the presence or absence of negative outcomes

18. Power of Specific Goal Setting • Implementation intentions: • Whenever situation x arises, I will initiate the goal-directed response y!” • Being induced to think about when and where to write an essay as opposed to simply being asked to write an essay dramatically increased compliance (from 33% to 75%) Gollwitzer Implementation Intentions Strong Effects of Simple Plans American Psychologist 1999 Vol. 54, No. 7, 493-503

19. Monitoring • It is exceedingly difficult to control behavior that is not carefully monitored • Breakdowns in self regulation are often associated with ceasing to monitor one’s own behavior • This can be done with regular “cheshbon hanefesh” activities or asking others to actively remind you of your goals

20. Threat vs. Challenge • When a task is viewed as one that can be a threat to one’s self image or very essence the result is often not productive. • In contrast, viewing a task as one to be taken on, deemphasizing objective evaluation and encouraging people to do their best can result in challenge-related appraisals and physiology. • Thus perceiving an issue as a challenge rather than a threat results in: • Greater persistence • More productive thoughts and problem-solving strategies • More efficient physiological responses Tomaka, J. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1997, Vol. 73,63-72, Cognitive and Physiological Antecedents of Threat and Challenge Appraisal

21. Rechanneling: Going from Passive to Active • Standard teshuva must give way to change in character some methods for doing this suggested by the shulchan aruch are: • Learning Torah • Acts of chesed

22. רמב"ם הלכות איסורי ביאה פרק כב הלכה כא • וכן ינהוג להתרחק מן השחוק ומן השכרות ומדברי עגבים שאלו גורמין גדולים והם מעלות של עריות, ולא ישב בלא אשה שמנהג זה גורם לטהרה יתירה, גדולה מכל זאת אמרו יפנה עצמו ומחשבתו לדברי תורה וירחיב דעתו בחכמה שאין מחשבת עריות מתגברת אלא בלב פנוי מן החכמה, ובחכמה הוא אומר אילת אהבים ויעלת חן דדיה ירווך בכל עת באהבתה תשגה תמיד

23. Regarding Change: The Beginning is Toughest • תלמוד בבלי מסכת סוכה דף נב עמוד ב • אמר רבי יוחנן: אבר קטן יש לו לאדם, מרעיבו - שבע, משביעו - רעב • Regarding controlling sexual appetites: if he feeds it he will remain hungry, but if he starves it, it will be satisfied • Each time you restrain yourself, the tendency to act will be lessened

24. Controlling Thoughts

25. Self-Control Resembles a Muscle: It Gets Tired • Self-control may consume a limited resource. Exerting self-control may consume self-control strength, reducing the amount of strength available for subsequent self-control efforts. • Coping with stress, regulating negative affect, and resisting temptations require self-control, and after such self-control efforts, subsequent attempts at self-control are more likely to fail. • Continuous self-control efforts, such as vigilance, also degrade over time. • The executive component of the self—in particular, inhibition—relies on a limited, consumable resource. Muraven & Baumeister, Self-Regulation and Depletion of Limited ResourcesDoes Self-Control Resemble a Muscle? Psychological Bulletin.2000 Vol. 126, No. 2, 247-259

26. Practice Builds Up The Muscle • Like a muscle, In the short run, exertion makes self-control tired and diminishes its power; in the long run, exercise makes self-control stronger and increases its power. • The inner resources required for thought-suppression was less readily depleted after 2-weeks of exercising self-control strategies. • It is good to exert self-control on a regular basis because in the long run, these exercises will strengthen self-control and make a person less susceptible to the depleting effects of a single exertion. • Muraven, Baumeister & Tice (1999) Longitudinal Improvement of Self-Regulation Through Practice: Building Self-Control Strength Through Repeated Exercise.,  Journal of Social Psychology, Vol. 139, Issue 4

27. Question: • In order to avoid looking unnecessarily at an improper sight, concernand vigilance are needed. It seems that in order to maintain thatconcern and vigilance, one has to enter a mindset of 'be on guard',whenever walking outside, and certainly in the summer. However, canentering such a mindset backfire on the person, in that when animmodest image inevitably does appear, the impact on him will bestronger--for the worse--given his concern for avoiding such images?And if so, how then can a person strengthen himself so as not to lookat the inappropriate images in the street, which requires overcomingthe natural tendencies that draw him to look at such things?

28. Trying To Control Sexual Thoughts • When a person tries to suppress an unwanted thought a psychological system is established that serves two purposes: • (1) Monitoring process: automatically searches the environment for indications of the unwanted thought • (2) Operating Process: uses controlled responses to override the responses that follow from detection of the unwanted thought • Dieter trying to suppress knowledge that there are tempting foods in the kitchen will watch television to distract himself- the monitoring system will scan the TV show for tempting foods while the operating system will actively override the temptation to go to the kitchen to eat Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self-regulation

29. Role of Stress on Control of Thoughts • When one is tired, fatigued, or burdened the monitoring system is automatically engaged but there may not be enough effort available to engage the operating function • As a result the stressed individual will have greater sensitivity to environmental cues of the undesired thought but will not have enough energy to control these thoughts Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self-regulation

30. Role of Depression • When a person does not feel positive about themselves they often need to excite themselves to trigger their endorphins to feel better • A common cycle is that when a person feels bad with what they do they try to escape from the behavior to make themselves feel good again they do the same behavior which made them upset in the first place.   • Depression can be a cause or a reaction to Masturbation • Gemora in Eruvin: after Adam’s sin he spent the next 100 years engaging in HZL • When a person cannot deal with what they have done they fall further into the problem

31. Is the “Refuah” Worse than the “Machala”? • The natural impulse to suppress exciting thoughts, may not serve us well. From the outset, thought suppression may be difficult because the thought may remain consciously accessible even as we try to suppress it, and we therefore become excited in the very act of suppression. • Even if the thought is removed from our conscious attention, we may thus put ourselves in a position to be disturbed by the thought's recurrence. • An exciting thought seems more stimulating after suppression (when we are idly thinking of other things and it suddenly intrudes on our minds) than when we are purposefully dwelling on it and know it is coming. There is thus the ironic prospect that the suppression of exciting thoughts can intensify the very excitement that we hope to avoid through suppression. Wegner, The Suppression of Exciting Thoughts, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1990, Vol. 58, No. 3,409-418

32. Don’t Think of a Pink Elephant • Suppression of thrilling sexual thoughts found to be physiologically more stressful than purposeful thinking about sex • Suppression of exciting thoughts might be involved in the production of chronic emotional responses that heighten the intensity of the problem - such as obsessive preoccupations. Wegner, The Suppression of Exciting Thoughts, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1990, Vol. 58, No. 3,409-418

33. 26 Randomized Clinical Trials of Primary Prevention Strategies Aimed at Delaying Sexual IntercourseBMJ (2002) 324 (7351) 1426-1434 • Failed to delay initiation of sexual intercourse in young women • Did not improve use of birth control • Four abstinence programs and one school based sex education program were associated with an increase in the number of pregnancies among partners of male participants

35. בראשית פרק כא פסוק יא וירע הדבר מאד בעיני אברהם על אודת בנו:On the Importance of Not Completely Pushing Away Negative Influences • Rav Hirsch says that “בנו“ refers to Yitzchak, not Yishmael- Avraham was worried that without exposure to the real world negative influences of Yishmael – Yitzchak’s pure character would not be inoculated against such negativity

36. ינענע לו ראשו • Yevamoth, 121a, relates an incident where Rabbi Akiva survived a shipwreck. When Rabbi Gamliel, who witnessed the event asked Rabbi Akiva how he survived, Rabbi Akiva answered: • מסכת יבמות דף קכא עמוד א • דף של ספינה נזדמן לי, וכל גל וגל שבא עלי נענעתי לו ראשי; מכאן אמרו חכמים: אם יבואו רשעים על אדם, ינענע לו ראשו • "The plank of a ship came my way, and I bent my head to every wave that approached". • The lesson learned from this, says the gemorah, is that if a man is confronted with a force that threatens to engulf him, “let him bend his head” and not fight it.

37. Changing the Ways you Obsess: Riding the Wave • Mentally step back and acknowledge that you have just started to obsess • Notice your emotional response to the obsession. Are you anxious? Scared? Ashamed? • Remind yourself that it is o.k. to have a momentary obsession • Reassure yourself at this moment that the obsessive content is irrational. Don’t analyze • Change your emotional response to the obsession by taking specific actions • Write it down; sing it, change the picture Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991

38. Letting go of Your Worries and Tensions • Decide to stop the intrusive thoughts or images • Reinforce your decision with positive statements to yourself • Practice some brief anxiety reducing relaxation techniques • Shift your attention toward a new activity Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991

39. Supportive Statements to Help End Obsessions • That thought isn’t helpful right now • Now isn’t the time to think about it. I can think about it later • This is irrational, I’m going to let it go • I won’t argue with an irrational thought • This is not an emergency. I can slow down and think clearly about what I need • This feels threatening and urgent, but it really isn’t • I don’t have to be perfect to be OK. • I don’t have to figure out this question. The best thing to do is just drop it • I already know from my past experiences that these fears are irrational • I have to take risks in order to be free, I’m willing to take this risk Foa & Wilson, S.T.O.P. Obsessing! Bantam, 1991

40. Antecedent Focused Strategies for Regulation of Emotions • Situation selection:- selecting aspects of the environment- people or settings best suited for obtaining better self-control • Situation modification: actions aimed at altering the environment to modify the likelihood of the problematic response Peterson & Seligman, Character Strengths & Virtues, Chapter 22 Self-regulation

41. Antecedent Strategies: Continued • Attentional deployment: attention and effort are directed at aspects of the environment that help achieve the desired emotional state • Cognitive change: reappraisal of meaning from setback to feedback if efforts at control have failed

42. Questions to Ask: • 1. What exactly is the major PROBLEM BEHAVIOR that I am analyzing? • Vulnerability -> Prompting event -> Links-> Problem Behaviour ->Consequences • Possible type of links: Actions, Body Sensations, Cognitions, Events, and Feelings • 2. What PROMPTING EVENT in the environment started me on the chain to my problem behaviour?: Start Day/hour:___ • 3. What things in my environment and myself made me VULNERABLE? Start Day/hour___ • 4. LINKS: List actual and specific behaviors and events • 5. LINKS: List new and more skillful behaviors

43. Dealing with Setbacks

44. Response Focused Strategies • Actively changing an emotional response after the undesired behavior has occurred • From setback to feedback • From threat to challenge • From “characterlogical” self-blame to behavioral self-blame

45. Mistakes as Learning Experience • What does this failure teach about future coping plan? • Neurosurgeon study

46. Harm Reduction: Overcoming Tendency to Give Up • Violating a zero tolerance rule can lead to greater disinhibition • קהלת פרק ז פסוק יז • אל תרשע הרבה ואל תהי סכל למה תמות בלא עתך: • תלמוד בבלי מסכת שבת דף לא עמוד ב • דרש רב עולא: מאי דכתיב אל תרשע הרבה וגו', הרבה הוא דלא לירשע, הא מעט לירשע? אלא: מי שאכל שום וריחו נודף, יחזור ויאכל שום אחר ויהא ריחו נודף? • Does this mean that it is permitted to be a little evil? No, it is like someone who eats garlic and gives off an offensive smell. Should he eat more garlic and give off even more of a smell?

47. Sefer Chasidim • Sefer Chasidim- if is a person is at risk of doing a worse aveira like sleeping with a nida then it is preferable to do a smaller sin like HZL Dr. Yitz Schechter

48. 6. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in the environment: • 7. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ • 8. 7. What exactly were the CONSQUENCES in myself: • 9. Immediate: ______ Delayed:_________ • 10. Ways to reduce my VULNERABILITY in the future: • 11. Ways to prevent PROMPTING EVENT from happening again: • 12. What HARM did my PROBLEM BEHAVIOUR CAUSE: • 13. Plans to REPAIR, CORRECT, AND OVER-CORRECT the harm: • 14. MY DEEPEST THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT THIS (THAT I WANT TO SHARE

49. Chain Analysis • In the course of a typical behavioural analysis a particular instance of behaviour is first clearly defined in specific terms and then a 'chain analysis' is conducted, looking in detail at the sequence of events and attempting to link these events one to another. • In the course of this process hypotheses are generated about the factors that may be controlling the behaviour. • This is followed by, or interwoven with, a 'solution analysis' in which alternative ways of dealing with the situation at each stage are considered and evaluated. • Finally one solution should be chosen for future implementation. Difficulties that may be experienced in carrying out this solution are considered and strategies of dealing with these can be worked out.

50. It is frequently the case that individuals will attempt to avoid this behavioural analysis since they may experience the process of looking in such detail at their behaviour as aversive. • However it is essential that not to be side tracked until the process is completed. In addition to achieving an understanding of the factors controlling behaviour, behavioural analysis can be seen as part of contingency management strategy, applying a somewhat aversive consequence to an episode of targeted maladaptive behaviour.