Emotional communication and foster care Workshop presented to the Fostering Kids Conference

1. Emotional communication and foster care Workshop presented to the Fostering Kids Conference Wendy Kelly, Clinical Psychologist May 26, 2012

2. How parents thinking and talking about emotions affects children

3. Managing emotions • Key to mental health • How parents think about their child’s emotions and • How parents talk to the child about emotions affects the child’s ability to manage their emotions

4. Emotion regulation1 • Emotion regulation is the child’s ability to recognise and change emotional reactions for personal goals and social adaptation. • Children learn to manage emotions through the parent-child relationship. • Parents teach children to label and interpret emotions, manage emotions and develop expectations about how others will respond to their emotions.

5. Maltreatment2 When children are abused/neglected • They are less likely to show emotion and will inhibit negative emotion • They expect less support and more anger when they do show emotion • They have less effective coping strategies for coping with anger • Differences were only with negative emotions (sadness, anger).

6. Their mothers showed less understanding behind the emotion –did not see the situation from the child’s perspective or the function of the behaviour. • Abuse interferes with children’s emotional development. • The relationship between children’s regulation of emotion and abuse can be explained by the mother’s level of support and teaching of coping strategies. • If parents can’t manage their own emotions – hard to help the child.

7. Resolving trauma Mothers who were able to resolve the trauma they had experienced were able to have open communication with their children and provide support The children were more cooperative and had more coherent narratives.

8. Talking about feelings • When mother’s talk about feelings during conflict it is more related to children’s conscience 6 months later better than talking about rules and the consequences of breaking them. • May sensitise the child to other’s needs and to the human consequences of breaking rules • Emotional risks in family - mothers much less likely to talk about feelings.

9. Parenting and emotion learning3 • Both secure attachment and the way the parent talks about emotions with the child are critical especially • How often they talk about emotions • Requesting more information about them • Talking about definitions, causes and outcomes of the emotion e.g. that squirmy feeling is called… • Linking events in the child’s life to help the child understand the emotion.

10. Content and richness of the parent child conversation influences the child’s memory – child learns how to remember It is important to • Ask open ended questions – who, what, when, where and why questions and follow up • Label emotions e.g. you looked happy/sad when… • Talk about the past • Accept a range of emotions • Avoid repeating the question or changing the topic.

11. 3 related concepts4 • Several concepts have recently been developed to capture the importance of how parent’s think about their own, and their children’s emotions and mental states • Mentalisation • Reflective functioning • Mind-mindedness.

12. Mentalisation • Emotional process- capacity to hold, regulate and fully experience one’s own and other’s emotion. • Cognitive process – psychological insight or perspective taking.

13. Parent interprets and comments on the child’s mental state • Decreases psycho-pathology • Child feels understood • Increases emotional regulation • Increases child’s theory of mind and mentalisation

14. Reflecting If parents can reflect about the emotional causes behind their own behaviour and their child’s behaviour THEN • Behaviour seems more predictable. • It’s easier to tolerate painful feelings • Parents can be more open and accepting, especially of negative feelings.

15. Mind-mindedness • The ability of the parent to see the child - as a separate person in their own right - with a mind of their own - and their own feelings, wishes and thoughts AND to accurately interpret the child’s mental state.

16. This assists the child to learn that their own and other’s behaviour has meaning. • Associated with secure attachment and the development of theory of mind.

17. Emotional communication skills

18. Emotion coaching5(John Gottman) • Step 1 • Be aware of the child’s emotions and try to see things from their perspective – hints may show up in play, behaviour such as overeating or clinging. If you stay with the feeling and your heart goes out to the child – that’s empathy.

19. Step 2 • Use the emotional moment as a chance to build trust and offer guidance • A child most needs his or her parent when feeling sad, angry or afraid. • Ignoring children’s feelings doesn’t make them go away! (we might wish it did). • Be proactive – talk before the event

20. Step 3 • Listen empathically with your - • Ears – what is the child saying? • Eyes – physical evidence of the child’s emotion • Imagination – see the situation from the child’s perspective • Words - to reflect back what you see/hear • Heart - to feel what child is feeling

21. Reflecting back what you hear and notice assures the child you are listening carefully and that you think his or her feelings are valid Child: This homework is too hard! Validating response Adult: It looks much harder than last week Invalidating response Adult: No it’s not, it’s easy!

22. Step 4 • Help the child verbally label emotions – has a soothing effect • Help children find words for how they are feeling – not what they should be feeling • Try to hit the nail on the head – if a child is furious – labelling the feeling as “a bit annoyed” would be very annoying!

23. Step 5 • Set limits and give appropriate consequences • Problem solve – identify goals in relation to the problem – what do you want to happen? • Find options • Evaluate proposed solution based on your family’s values • Help child choose a solution

24. It stops kids talking when we… • Side with the enemy - “but Jenny’s a nice girl!” • Argue – “Your teacher wouldn’t say that!” • Apply logic – “ but you are popular” • Blame – “and what did you do to her?” • Put down “You always start fights” • Name calling “You’re so stroppy” • Problem solve too soon – “Just hang out with someone else tomorrow!”

25. It helps to… • Ignore your parental agenda – constantly trying to change something about the child or teach the child something stops us listening • Create a mental map of your child’s day • Think of similar adult situations • Share in the child’s dreams and fantasies – So if you were a rock star what would you do?

26. References 1 Ontai, L.L., & Thompson, R.A. (2002). Patterns of attachment and maternal discourse effects on children’s emotion understanding from 3 to 5 years of age. Social Development, 11(4), 433-449. 2 Shipman,K.L., Schneider, R., Fitzgerald, M.M., Sims, C., Swisher, L., & Edwards, A. (2007). Maternal emotion socialization in maltreating and non-maltreating families: Implications for children's emotion regulation. Social Development, 16 , 268-285. 

27. 3 Wareham, P. and Salmon, K., (2006) Mother- child reminiscing about everyday experiences: Implications for psychological interventions in the preschool years. Clinical Psychology Review, 26, 535-554. 4 Sharp, C., & Fonagy, P. (2007) The parent’s capacity to treat the child as a psychological agent: Constructs, measures and implications for developmental psychopathology. Social Development, 17, 738-754. 11Gottman J., DeClaire, J., & Goleman, D. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. NY: Fireside.