Unlocking Good Writing

1. Unlocking Good Writing The key to CD/Comm

2. The key: • Base your writing on facts or examples (concrete details) which prove the point that you made in your topic sentence (in a paragraph), or your major thesis statement (in an essay) • Have at least 2 points of commentary for every point of concrete detail • This will give you 1/3 fact from your original, and 2/3 of your own opinion

3. And how exactly do I do that?

4. OK – here’s your topic sentence: I hate shopping for Christmas. Now – concrete detail – why do you hate shopping for Christmas?

5. I hate shopping for Christmas. The lines always have five or six people waiting for one cashier. Now – commentary – what is your opinion about why the long lines make you hate shopping for Christmas? 1. It takes forever to pay for something 2. By the time I’ve done that, I’m too tired to stay longer

6. The result is better developed and more thoughtful:I hate shopping for Christmas. The lines always have five or six people waiting for one cashier. It takes forever to pay for something. By the time I’ve done that, I’m too tired to stay longer.

7. Examples of CD/Commentary Camping is an uncomfortable experience.The first night a big brown bear came into camp and stole the cooler.I think it’s not fun to be in the woods. I’d rather not go. Topic sentence Concrete detail Commentary

8. Another example: Camping is an uncomfortable experience. There is no bathroom. Camping in the middle of nowhere is very inconvenient. I wake up really sore and I don’t like the feeling of sleeping on granite. Topic sentence Concrete Detail Commentary

9. And yet another example: Camping is an uncomfortable experience. It seems like all of the blood-sucking little mosquitoes are out to get me. They gang up at will and strike, making life miserable for me. Not even bug repellant will stop them from sucking me dry of blood. Topic sentence Concrete detail Commentary

10. But sometimes we have problems with commentaries: • Commentary drifts • Commentary is really a concrete detail • Commentary repeats from the thesis • Commentary is generic • Commentary contradicts the thesis

11. And what are commentary drifts? I like camping more than anything. The air is clean and clear. It feels good to breathe it after the smog of El Cajon. I wonder if the Native Americans appreciated the clean air they had. Better: I like camping more than anything. The air is clean and clear. It feels good to breathe it after the smog of El Cajon. My lungs always feel healthier after some time in the mountains.

12. Commentary is really concrete detail? I like camping more than anything. The air is clean and clear. There isn’t any smog up in the mountains. There isn’t the usual brown haze in the sky that I see most days. Better: I like camping more than anything. The air is clean and clear. It feels good to breathe it after the smog of El Cajon. My lungs always feel healthier after some time in the mountains.

13. Commentary repeats from the thesis? Football is a fun sport. We get to play in front of lots of people. It’s fun to do that. I like to play in front of a crowd a lot. Better: Football is a fun sport. We get to play in front of lots of people. I like the feeling of having my friends and classmates cheering me on. It’s exciting to feel the encouragement from the crowd as we do our best to win.

14. Commentary is generic? Camping is the best vacation. The air is nice to breathe because it’s so clean and clear. It sure is good being there. I like it a lot. Better: Camping is the best vacation. The air is nice to breathe. It somehow feels lighter than city air and makes my lungs feel better. I like having the chance to be in a healthier place for a little while.

15. Commentary contradicts the thesis? Camping is wonderful. I like the fresh air the most. I hated the bites I got there. In addition, my family argued the whole weekend. Better: Camping is wonderful. I like the fresh air the most. I always feel healthier after some time in the mountains. It feels good to breathe deeply after the smog of El Cajon.

16. Or even better: Camping is terrible. The last time I went, I hated the bites I got there, and my family argued the whole weekend. We went for a relaxed time but got nothing but trouble. I will think twice before going again.

17. What’s wrong with this paragraph?Saturday morning cartoons are often criticized by public officials because of their violence and themes. Critics complain about coyotes jumping off cliffs, of dogs and cats blackening each other’s eyes, and Martians spying on Earth and making plans to destroy it. These same animals battle over birds, carrots, or the right to a hole in the ground. Finally, when the fights are over, the most violent person often gets food, toys, or candy as a reward. Children’s programming needs to be changed to avoid the messages that do nothing but harm those who watch them every week.

18. It’s all concrete details ---------with no commentary

19. So let’s add some commentary….

20. Saturday morning cartoons are often criticized by public officials because of their violence and themes. Critics complain about coyotes jumping off cliffs, of dogs and cats blackening each other’s eyes, and Martians spying on Earth and making plans to destroy it. • This violence may be realistic, but there is no accompanying realistic blood, pain, or mutilation. • These scenes emphasize destruction and winning through physical harm to others.

21. These same animals battle over birds, carrots, or the right to a hole in the ground. • The theme of these actions – greed and selfishness – is not appropriate for young children. • The wrong values are encouraged, and children do not see any examples of peaceful resolution to problems.

22. Finally, when the fights are over, the most violent person often gets food, toys, or candy as a reward. • The idea that showing greed or inflicting pain is rewarded in any way, large or small, is a subtly distasteful message. • If children see this behavior being successful on television, they have no reason not to try it themselves.

23. Now that you have added some depth to your paragraph, add your conclusion.

24. Saturday morning cartoons are often criticized by public officials by public officials because of their violence and themes. Critics complain about coyotes jumping off cliffs, of dogs and cats blackening each other’s eyes, and Martians spying on Earth and making plans to destroy it. This violence may be realistic, but there is no accompanying realistic blood, pain, or mutilation. These scenes emphasize destruction and winning through physical harm to others. These same animals battle over birds, carrots, or the right to a hole in the ground. The theme of these actions – greed and selfishness – is not appropriate for young children. The wrong values are encouraged, and children do not see any examples of peaceful resolution to problems. Finally, when the fights are over, the most violent person often gets food, toys, or candy as a reward. The idea that showing greed or inflicting pain is rewarded in any way, large or small, is a subtly distasteful message. If children see this behavior being successful on television, they have no reason not to try it themselves. Children’s programming needs to be changed to avoid the messages that do nothing but harm those who watch them every week.

25. And now, another paragraph: Driving in the fog to Sacramento was a frightening experience. No signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near-empty tank. In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. To make matters worse, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles per hour for the next thirty minutes, and none of us were allowed to pass him. When I finally reached Sacramento that day, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind.

26. And now to add commentary:

27. Driving in the fog to Sacramento was a frightening experience. No signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near-empty tank. • I panicked at the thought of being stranded alone in a strange place • I kept hoping to see a station materialize in the fog and couldn’t make up my mind what to do

28. . In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. • I realized I had driven on for hours, dreading the never-ending blurring lines on the horizon. • I had been expecting the weather to lift suddenly and let me get back on schedule.

29. To make matters worse, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles per hour for the next thirty minutes, and none of us were allowed to pass him. • It was as though an invisible force field had been thrown up behind the patrol car. • No one felt brave enough to dare going around him, and so we sulked behind him for what seemed like hours.

30. Driving in the fog to Sacramento was a frightening experience. No signs were visible from the freeway, so I couldn’t see if there were any gas stations nearby to fill my near-empty tank. I panicked at the thought of being stranded alone in a strange place. I kept hoping to see a station materialize in the fog and couldn’t make up my mind what to do. In addition, it was 12:00 noon, and the fog was so thick that I couldn’t read the exit signs until I started passing them. I realized I had driven on for hours, dreading the never-ending blurring lines on the horizon. I had been expecting the weather to lift suddenly and let me get back on schedule. To make matters worse, a police car suddenly appeared ahead and drove at forty miles per hour for the next thirty minutes, and none of us were allowed to pass him. It was as though an invisible force field had been thrown up behind the patrol car. No one felt brave enough to dare going around him, and so we sulked behind him for what seemed like hours. When I finally reached Sacramento that day, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind. When I finally reached Sacramento that day, a great sense of relief permeated my body and mind.

31. And our last example:

32. In Animal Farm, Clover represents a mother figure to the other animals. She talks to Mollie the horse, when others won’t. Later, Clover warns Boxer to slow down and nurses him when he collapses. Throughout the story, she sees the changes in the Seven Commandments and in the pigs at the end. She works hard to help the other animals regardless of what might happen to her.

33. In Animal Farm, Clover represents a mother figure to the other animals. She talks to Mollie the horse, when others won’t. • She shows she cares about keeping the animals together. • She isn’t mean to Mollie but wants her to understand how serious her leaving the farm is to the whole community.

34. Later, Clover warns Boxer to slow down and nurses him when he collapses. • Her motherly concern for him makes us feel sorry for the old, true horse and through her eyes, we see the injustice of the system. • She understands the punishment of hard work, and although she could have broken away, she believes in Animal Farm.

35. In addition, she sees the changes in the Seven Commandments and in the pigs at the end. • Her instinctive knowledge leads her to sense that things are wrong. • She is the character who makes the reader want to say, “yes, you are right to do something.”

36. In Animal Farm, Clover represents a mother figure to the other animals. She talks to Mollie the horse, when others won’t. She shows she cares about keeping the animals together. She isn’t mean to Mollie but wants her to understand how serious her leaving the farm is to the whole community. Later, Clover warns Boxer to slow down and nurses him when he collapses. Her motherly concern for him makes us feel sorry for the old, true horse and through her eyes, we see the injustice of the system. She understands the punishment of hard work, and although she could have broken away, she believes in Animal Farm. Throughout the story, she sees the changes in the Seven Commandments and in the pigs at the end. Her instinctive knowledge leads her to sense that things are wrong. She is the character who makes the reader want to say, “yes, you are right to do something.” She works hard to help the other animals regardless of what might happen to her.

37. When writing an essay: • Commentaries should relate back to the major thesis statement • The first commentary can be what the concrete detail does to prove the thesis statement • The second commentary can be how it contributes to the meaning of the work