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The spirit of Marriage

l ove. The spirit of Marriage. I. What Do “Stages of Development” (Erik Erickson) Teach Us?. Most of Us are Spiritually Developmentally Delayed. The spirit of Marriage. Point 1. II. What Kind of Character Does God Expect You to Develop Into?.

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The spirit of Marriage

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  1. love The spirit of Marriage

  2. I. What Do “Stages of Development” (Erik Erickson) Teach Us?

  3. Most of Us are Spiritually Developmentally Delayed The spirit of Marriage Point 1

  4. II. What Kind of Character Does God Expect You to Develop Into? "But the Fruit of the Spirit is Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control"~ Galatians 5:22-23 • 1 Fruit- Galatians 5:16-21 implies overall character- not individual actions • OF the Spirit- not of us • Already in us as Believers • Some parts not so well developed

  5. II. What Kind of Character Does God Expect You to Develop Into? "But the Fruit of the Spirit is Love… • “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  ~ John 13:34-35 • “Whoever forgives an offense seeks love, but whoever keeps bringing up the issue separates the closest of friends.” ~ Proverbs 17:9 • “Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.” ~ Ephesians 5:1-2

  6. II. What Kind of Character Does God Expect You to Develop Into? • Proverbs 3:3 “Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck, write them on the tablet of your heart.” • Proverbs 14:22 “Do not those who plot evil go astray? But those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness.” • Proverbs 20:6 “Many a man claims to have unfailing love, but a faithful man who can find?” • Proverbs 20:28 “Love and faithfulness keep a king safe; through love his throne is made secure.”

  7. What Does the Fruit of the Spirit Mean for Our Marriages? The spirit of Marriage

  8. The Fruit of the Spirit is About Character Development… Better Characters Make Better Marriages The spirit of Marriage Point 2

  9. III. Why get married?

  10. IIi. Why Get married? • Do you believe a good marriage is an unfolding process? Or a product you purchase? • Do you believe there is 1 person “right” for you? • What do you think of when you see a “happy” couple? How did they get there? The spirit of Marriage

  11. III. A. Companionship • "How was your day" might be the most beautiful gift a marriage has to offer. It means my life matters to someone. • Are you and your spouse companions? • On a scale of 1-10, how much companionship do you experience in your marriage?

  12. Companionship- far more the actual brick and mortar of two lives lived together- the glue that allows the marriage to make it- the path toward finding something rich in your marriage • Rather than luck and love, the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are • Commitment and Companionship. They define their marriage as a creation that has taken hard work, dedication and commitment (to each other and to the institution of marriage). The happiest couples are friends who share lives • Finnegan Alford-Cooper, For Keeps: Marriages the Last a Lifetime (Armonk, NY: M. E. Sharpe, 1998); Judith Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee. The Good Marriage (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1995); Robert Lauer and Jeanette Lauer, “Factors in Long-Term Marriage” Journal of Family Issues 7:4 (1986): 382-390 companionship

  13. Sanctification • III. B. Sanctification… • Are you in your marriage to make you happy or whole or holy? • What if God’s primary intent for your marriage isn’t to make you happy . . . but holy? • And, what if your relationship isn’t as much about you and your spouse as it is about you and God?

  14. Sanctification… • God is going to use your marriage to get to issues in you wants to address... Happily ever after is centered on character transformation Sanctification

  15. Marriage is for…. • Phil. 2 • Eph. 5:15-33 • God lures us into marriage… • then uses it to transform us III. Why get married? Point 3 1. Companionship 2. Sanctification

  16. IV. Developing love in us 1. Seek Love… Pursue it… I Cor. 14:1 Pursue love, and earnestly desire the spiritual gifts, especially that you may prophesy. 1 Timothy 6:11 [ Paul’s Final Instructions ] But you, Timothy, are a man of God; so run from all these evil things. Pursue righteousness and a godly life, along with faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. Proverbs 21:21 Whoever pursues righteousness and unfailing love will find life, righteousness, and honor. • Do you pursue love with your spouse?

  17. IV. Developing love in us 2. Listen to your spouse A good listener: Is slow to speak… James 1:19- “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.” Listens beyond words… (Listening is: 10% words/30% sounds/60% body language… 80-90% is NON-VERBAL!) Focuses on understanding not being understood… Is influenced by their spouse • Do you listen to your spouse?

  18. IV. Developing love in us “Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsburger “The first duty of love is to listen.” Paul Tillich • Do you listen to your spouse?

  19. IV. Developing love in us 3. Be Safe Warmth-John 4- Caring, respect, sincere, non-smothering concern… regardless of the person’s actions or attitudes Genuineness- not phony or superior, open, sincere… honesty without cruel confrontation… (a soft answer turns away wrath), being congruent Empathy- Sensitive and able to communicate understanding of the person’s thoughts, feelings, values, beliefs, inner conflicts… to “feel with”, especially at the beginning is most helpful A-C-C-E-P-T-A-N-C-E– do you feel accepted as you are by your spouse? Do you accept your spouse as he/she is? • How safe are you to your spouse?

  20. IV. Developing love in us 4. Share Experiences Shared experiences- bonding Time = Love Recreational activities Of course it matters if you don't spend much time together or if that time is spent having a TV dinner. A study in the Journal of Sex Research of 6,029 couples from the US National Survey of Families and Households found (somewhat obviously) that the less time couples spent together, the less sex they had. • Do you spend time with your spouse?

  21. Love Is… Point 4 a deliberate choice to love your spouse each and every day with the unconditional love that God has given to you; a willingness to listen to, understand, and cherish your spouse in every interaction; an unselfish heart that seeks the good of the other • We Are Expected to Pursue Love

  22. How well do you share life with your spouse? • What reasons stop you from living life together- blocked the development of companionship? • Are you waiting for your marriage to make you happy? Or learning and growing into the disciple God desires? Consider This…

  23. V. Setup For Conflict

  24. V. Setup For Conflict

  25. V. Setup For Conflict

  26. V. Setup For Conflict… Because We Are Different • This differentiation in youth leads to dissimilar communication styles in adulthood. Women communicate through dialogue, discussing emotions, choices and problems. Males remain action-oriented -- the goal of communication is to achieve something.

  27. V. Setup For Conflict… Because We Are Different • Nonverbal Communication • Body Orientation • Arguments • Apologizing • Giving Compliments

  28. V. Setup For Conflict… Because We Are Different • Problem Solving • Getting Your Way • Chatterbox • Interrupting • E-Mail

  29. We are fabulously different… set up for conflict from the beginning… • and God has designed it this way (!?!?) V. Setup For Conflict Point 5 God Designed Differences

  30. VI. How Do You “Fix” A Broken Marriage? • Focus on self- not your spouse: Fixing ME fixes US • Become better companions- Play Together • Understand WHY you married- accepting reality of differences and sanctification as a purpose in marriage • Mature as a disciple of Christ (Seek character formation in you, Seek love in you) • Pursue growing the Fruit of the Spirit in you

  31. Do something • Look at your wedding pictures together – talk about your hopes and wishes for a better marriage • Choose 1 thing a day that you can do to love your spouse better… tell your spouse at the end of each day- ask them how well you did? • Be intentional about spending time together- doing something- have a date night- shut off the TV

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