Assertive Communication: Improve Relationships, Reduce Conflict

1. Fay Prairie Counselor, Personal Life Coach, Speaker www.fayprairie.com fay@fayprairie.com 507-829-0181 Balaton MN

3. Results of Survey

5. Communication • Assertively Dealing with Needs/Concerns • Non-Verbal Communication • Constructive Criticism • Listening • Expectations • Managing Stress • Delegating Work

6. What I Love about My Job “The team - wonderful, high skilled group” “We have a great and talented staff and when we all work together we accomplish all of our tasks.”

7. What I Love about My Job “I love my job, my clients and the family atmosphere of the Kinner team and the family first attitude allowing flexibility of scheduling etc”

8. Interactive • Share what’s on your mind • Opinions/ideas/comments/suggestions • That’s what will make this the most meaningful

10. HALO Body Scan Centering attention in the body can be a very helpful way to disengage from the story.

11. When we take time to notice our physical impulses and sensations, we learn how to regulate them in a special way that helps stop automatic reactions and increases skillful, caring responses.

13. I respectfully and assertively express my concerns when conflicts or disagreements arise

14. Are you a gusher, a leaker or a stuffer?

16. You need to talk to your spouse • An issue you need to discuss with your co-worker • Complaint you need to bring up with your in-laws • Why is it so hard to have some conversations?

17. 5 Mindsets to Keep in Mind about Assertive Communication

18. #1 If you’re often distressed (frustrated, irritated, sad or anxious), • there may be a conversation or topic you’re avoiding. • Facing and having that conversation may save you years of pain • and frustration. (short-term discomfort for long-term gain)

19. #2 Difficult topics never get easier. You’ll always be able to find a hundred reasons or excuses why it’s not the right time to speak up--usually quite valid, why today isn’t the right day. • Truthfully, if not now, when?

20. #3 There is no certainty. No matter how many times you play the conversation in your head you’re not going to be able to know the outcome. It’s often the fear of the unknown that drives our anxiety and procrastination. • If you knew that you would be heard and your issues would be addressed positively, you wouldn’t be so scared to have the conversation. You’d just DO IT.

21. #4 The worst is never as bad as you think it is. The reality that you create in your mind is often far worse than what will actually happen. Yes, you might get in an argument, and you might be rejected, and they might say something that hurts your feelings. • Yet, sometimes that’s not as bad as the mental anguish you go through when you don’t have the conversation.

22. #5 You’re missing out on how much better you could be feeling! If you need someone or something to change, and you don’t do anything about it, you are hurting yourself and your relationships. • Speaking up doesn’t mean the issue will magically be solved. When you don’t speak up, you risk being more distressed, resentful & miserable. Negative feelings build up inside of you & start to come out in ugly and unproductive ways.

24. FEAR Face Everything and Rise Fear Everything and Run

25. 5 Steps to Assertive Communication Step One: Use an “I” statement, question, or observation. Set up a time to talk. “I am concerned.” “I am confused.” “I noticed.” Versus: You did this….You did that…..You always……You never…..

26. 5 Steps to Assertive Communication Step Two: Describe the Problem Specifically Avoid judgmental accusations: “You never get your work in on time.” “You never email me back.” Be Specific: I’ve asked you three times this week and I still haven’t received the report or any e-mail response.

27. 5 Steps to Assertive Communication Step Three: Explain why this is concerning you Talk about Effects “Because I didn’t receive the report on time, I wasn’t able to present it at the meeting and we had to postpone making a decision.” Talk about What you Need “We really need the data. I’d like to meet tomorrow morning at 9 am to discuss where you are with the project.”

28. 5 Steps to Assertive Communication Step Four:Acknowledge the other person and ask for input Let the other person know you have some understanding of what he’s going through. “I know you’re working on several important projects. Tell me what’s on your plate. Then we’ll need to set priorities and upgrade the importance of the project.”

29. 5 Steps to Assertive Communication Step Five: Listen and Let Go Once you’ve engaged in the first four steps, you can be more objective and can let go of any existing anger, hurt feelings or questionable assumptions.

30. I feel/I noticed/I’m_____________________________________ When/What______________________________________ What I need or like is____________________ FSBI Feeling……Situation….. Impact….. Behavior……

32. Why is it important to be assertive? What prevents us from being assertive? What do we fear? How does it Harm us? Harm our relationships? Harm our team when we don’t assertively speak up?

33. What work related issues do you think need to be talked about more? What issues have you wanted to discuss but you’ve been avoiding them?

34. What I Love about My Job “My co-workers, my clients, the flexibility I have with being able to take time off or ditch out early if needed :)”

35. What I Love about My Job “That my supervisor and boss are very helpful and respectful.”

36. Benefits of Effective Listening • Creates true connection and caring • People can feel at ease and communicate more openly and honestly • Reduces Conflicts • Reduces Stress • Lowers Irritability • Increases Respect • Draws you Closer

38. People tend to spend far more energy considering what they are going to say rather thanlisteningto what the other person is trying to say. Research shows that the average person only listens for 17 seconds before interrupting and interjecting their own ideas.

39. 12 Roadblocks to Listening

40. 12 Roadblocks to Listening Comparing--Makes it hard to listen because you’re always trying to assess who is smarter, more competent, more emotionally healthy, more right or wrong Mind Reader—Doesn’t pay much attention to what people say. He often distrusts it--trying to figure out what they’re really thinking and feeling. Rehearsing-You don’t have time to listen when you’re rehearsing what to say. Your whole attention is on the preparation and crafting of your next comment. Filtering-You listen to some things and not to others. You pay only enough attention to see if somebody’s angry, unhappy, or if you’re in emotional danger.

41. Judging-Negative labels have enormous power. If you prejudge someone as stupid or nuts or unqualified, you don’t pay much attention to what they say. Dreaming-You’re half listening, and something the person says suddenly triggers a chain of private associations. Your co-worker starts telling you about something they need advice on and your mind starts thinking about something else it reminds you of. Identifying-You take everything a person tells you and refer it back to your own experience. They tell you about something you did wrong and it makes you think of all the things you think they’ve done wrong. Advising-You don’t even have to hear but a few sentences and you’re searching for all the advice that you’re going to give them—what they should and shouldn’t do. 12 Roadblocks to Listening

42. Sparring-You tend to argue and debate with people. The other person never feels heard because you’re soquick to disagree. Being Right-You will go to any lengths (twisting the facts, start shouting, make excuses or accusation, call up past sins) to avoid being wrong. Derailing-This is when you suddenly change the subject. You derail the train of conversation when you get uncomfortable or bored. Placating-“Right, right….Absolutely….I know” You want to be nice, pleasant and supportive. You want to please people so you just go along with what they say and agree with everything. 12 Roadblocks to Listening

43. Start to become AWARE of which listening blocks tend to keep you from Effective Listening. Once you become aware of your habits, you can begin to make a conscious effort to improve on them.

44. LISTEN Listen with 100% presence Listen with undividedattention Listen to truly understand Listen to truly hear their feelings

45. How would you rate your listening skills? Which of the 12 roadblocks can you identify in yourself? How would improving your listening skills be beneficial to your team and/or your customers?

46. What I Love about My Job “Helping our clients, working with a wonderful group of people, and knowing that family comes first”

47. Being Open to Constructive Feedback

48. Been Bad Got Caught Raises our Pulse Hurts Makes us Angry Want to Hit Back

49. How Good are you at Handling Constructive Criticism?

50. #1--CHANGE PERSPECTIVE (negative to positive) • Good Guy versus Bad Guy (Trying to Help) • “How Dare They” or “What a Jerk” or “Who do they think they are • See it as a Learning and Growing Experience • Think of it as a Gift • Opportunity for Personal/Professional Growth I’m thankful. What can I learn from this? How can I use this to improve myself?