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The Odyssey

The Odyssey. From the twisted and insane mind of an English teacher. Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all the ways of contending, the wanderer, harried for years on end, after he plundered the stronghold on the proud height of Troy.

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The Odyssey

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  1. The Odyssey From the twisted and insane mind of an English teacher

  2. Sing in me, Muse, and through me tell the story of that man skilled in all the ways of contending, the wanderer, harried for years on end, after he plundered the stronghold on the proud height of Troy.

  3. A Goddess Intervenes Book 1

  4. Yes, my beautiful child? Hermes, I need you to go to Calypso’s island and tell her to release Odysseus. Ok. Where is Hermes. HERMES!? I mean, he’s been away from his home for almost twenty years. Oh, great Zeus, my honored father. Your point? I think it is time for Calypso to give up her love toy. Don’t you think that poor Odysseus has suffered enough? Oh…hey Zeus. How’s it hanging? No prob, Bob!

  5. Calypso, the Sweet Nymph Book 5

  6. Odysseus, who sat apart, as a thousand times before, and racked his own heart groaning, with eyes wet scanning the bare horizon of the sea…

  7. Oh, yeah, you are way hotter. But I still miss her. But Odysseus, don’t you like being my love toy? Aren’t I more beautiful than your wife? Fine. Whatever. Boo hoo! Boo hoo! I want to go home! Yo! Calypso! Zeus says you gotta let this guy get home.

  8. Odysseus leaves Calypso’s island and washes up on the shore in a new kingdom. The king, King Alcinous, welcomes Odysseus and treats him with hospitality. After Odysseus is treated to a feast at the king’s court, King Alcinous asks him to tell his story. Flashback

  9. New Coasts and Poseidon’s Son Book 9

  10. I am Laertes’ son, Odysseus. Men hold me formidable for guile in peace and war: this fame has gone abroad to the sky’s rim. What of my sailing, then, from Troy? What of those years of rough adventure, weathered under Zeus?...

  11. EAT ME! EAT ME! Forget your home Forget your home EAT ME! Forget your home EAT ME!

  12. When the young Dawn with finger tips of rose came in the east, I called my men together and made a speech to them: “Old shipmates, friends, the rest of you stand by; I’ll make the crossing in my own ship, with my own company, and find out what the mainland natives are— for they may be wild savages, and lawless, or hospitable and god fearing men.”

  13. Cyclops Polyphemus, son of Poseidon

  14. YES…NOM, NOM, NOM! What do you want tiny man? NOOOOOO!!!!! Well, Nohbdy. You look tasty. I’ll save you until last. I’ll eat your men first. SPLAT!!! Keep dreaming! Who are you? Just some hospitality. My name is Nohbdy.

  15. Listen carefully. We are going to sharpen that into a point and jam it in the big guy’s eye. No way, fools! If we kill him, we won’t be able to move the slab of rock blocking the door. Odysseus, what do we do? Let’s kill the Cyclops when he sleeps. …and then we can escape without being caught. Then we are going to tie ourselves under those rams over there… YAY!!! What a brilliant plan! Do you see that huge tree trunk over there? What, are you blind? Where? I have a better idea.

  16. So with our brand we bored that great eye socket while blood ran out around the red hot bar. Eyelid and lash were seared; the pierced ball hissed broiling, and the roots popped. In a smithy one sees a white-hot adze plunged and wrung in a cold tub, screeching steam— the way they make soft iron hale and hard--: just so that eyeball hissed around the spike.

  17. Nohbdy’s tricked me!!! Seriously, Polyphemus, what is your problem? Nohbdy’s ruined me!

  18. Hey, Cyclops! You big oaf! Just in case you were wondering, my name is Odysseus! LOOK OUT!!!! Shut your face, Odysseus. You’ll make him even angrier. Nanny, nanny, nanny! You can’t catch us! Oh, what do you guys know. You’re just stick figures. I’m from Ithaca. And I poked out your eye! Hahahaha!

  19. Argh!!!! Poseidon, my father. Make sure that this idiot suffers!!!!

  20. Oh hear me, lord, blue girdler of the islands, if I am thine indeed, and thou art father: grant that Odysseus, raider of cities, never see his home: Laertes son, I mean, who kept his hall on Ithaca. Should destiny intend that he shall see his roof again among his family and his father land, far be that day, and dark the years between. Let him lose all companions, and return under strange sail to bitter days at home.

  21. The Witch Circe Book 10

  22. In the entrance way they stayed to listen there: inside her quiet house they heard the goddess Circe. Low she sang in her beguiling voice…

  23. Welcome, strangers. You must be starving. Have some food. What’s happening to us? Uh, duh. You’re pretty. OINK! Thanks! Nom, nom, nom.

  24. Scarce had they drunk when she flew after them with her long stick and shut them in a pigsty— bodies, voices, heads, and bristles, all swinish now, though minds were still unchanged. So, squealing, in they went.

  25. O! My man man! Want a little help? Oh, right. I guess I should go and rescue them. Just shut up and eat it so you can save your men. Eat this moly, and it will protect you from Circe’s power. That’s not a very nice thing to say. Does it taste like guacamole? Sure, Hermes. Thanks No! A witch has turned them into actual pigs! Odysseus! Help, help! The men are pigs! Eurylochus

  26. Now I really need to go, Circe. I mean, I’ve got a wife to get home to. So, here’s the thing. I’m going to need you to turn these guys back into people and let us leave. But, Odysseus, don’t you want to stay for a while and be my love toy? Fine. But you need to go to the Land of the Dead first. Well, I guess. ONE YEAR LATER

  27. The Land of the Dead Book 11

  28. Now the souls gathered, stirring out of Erebus, brides and young men, and men grown old in pain, and tender girls whose hearts were new to grief; many were there, too, torn by brazen lanceheads, battle-slain, bearing still their bloody gear. From every side they came and sought the pit with rustling cries; and I grew sick with fear.

  29. Poseidon is pretty angry with you for blinding his son. There is one route you can take that will keep you away from that big bully, though. Now, the sun god can be a jerk, and he is really a baby when it comes to his cows. Don’t touch them. If you do “raid the beeves” your ship and your crew will be destroyed. Are you taking notes? This is a lot to remember. One more thing. After you get your kingdom back, go make an offering to the jerk Poseidon. Then, you’ll live happily ever after. Ok. Once you get home, there are going to be some chumps there trying to move in on your woman. Blood. Blood. We want blood. Blood. Blood. We want blood. Once you pass through that danger, you will land on the island of the sun god. Eww…you want blood? Ok. I’ll give you blood if you tell me where to find Tiresias. Ok, seriously now. I know that you want to get home, but you have more suffering ahead. Just go ape shiz on their butts and kill them all. No big deal. Ok. Can you repeat that again? I’m good. I can remember. Odysseus, what are you doing in this hell hole? Ha! Get it?

  30. The Sirens; Scylla and Charybdis Book 12

  31. Square in your ship’s path are Sirens, crying beauty to bewitch men coasting by; woe to the innocent who hears that sound! He will not see his lady nor his children in joy, crowding about him, home from sea; the Sirens will sing his mind away on their sweet meadow lolling.

  32. What?! I can’t hear you. My ears are plugged with beeswax! Let me loose! So beautiful… Can you hear anything? What?! La lalalala…

  33. But this is the den of Scylla, where she yaps abominably, a newborn whelp’s cry, though she is huge and monstrous. God or man, no one could look on her in joy. Her legs— and there are twelve—are like great tentacles, unjointed, and upon her serpent necks are borne six heads like nightmares of ferocity, with triple serried rows of fangs and deep gullets of black death.

  34. The opposite point seems more a tongue of land you’d touch with a good bowshot, at the narrows. A great wild fig, a shaggy mass of leaves, grows on it, and Charybdis lurks below to swallow down the dark sea tide. Three times from dawn to dusk she spews it up and sucks it down again three times, a whirling maelstrom; if you come upon her then the god who makes earth tremble could not save you.

  35. Nom nom! Nom nom! NOOOOOO!! Nom nom!

  36. They just had to raid the beeves. Do it Zeus. Come on! KABOOM!!!

  37. Odysseus is the only survivor. He drifts to Ogygia, the island of Calypso, where he stays for seven years. This is the end of Odysseus’ tale to King Alcinous and the end of Part One.

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