Human Resource Association of Central Connecticut

1. Human Resource AssociationofCentral Connecticut Managing Conflict Tom Neal July 24, 2012

2. Managing Conflict Discussion Points The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution How to Avoid Misunderstandings Dealing with Difficult People The Cost of Unresolved Conflict

3. Managing Conflict Definition Conflict: A disagreement between two or more individuals or groups.

4. Managing Conflict Conflict is Inevitable

5. Managing Conflict The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution

6. Managing Conflict The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution 1.) Withdraw: No Way: Avoid the conflict by pretending that it doesn't exist, or refrain from engaging in what seems to be an inevitable argument. If the conflict is not addressed and resolved, it will inevitably grow. Although not considered to be a positive approach to resolving conflict, conflict avoidance is recommended when the potential for harm exists to any of the parties involved.

7. Managing Conflict The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution 2.) Give In:Your Way: Accommodate your partner by accepting her/his point of view or suggestion. You allow the other to have his/her own way. Giving in does not address or resolve conflict. Continually giving in can erode your negotiating position in future conflicts.

8. Managing Conflict The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution 3.) Stand Your Ground:My Way: Compete with the other party and ensure that you win the argument. You stand your ground and decide not to give-in on any points. This is a competitive style of conflict management which offers short-term gains but lacks the opportunity to create working relationships which could offer long-term advantages.

9. Managing Conflict The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution 4.) Compromise:Half Way: Find a middle ground in which you both give up some ground to allow both parties to be partially satisfied. The risks to compromising include obtaining something you don’t need while leaving something on the negotiating table that you do.

10. Managing Conflict The Five Styles of Conflict Resolution 5.) Collaborate:Our Way: Talk and listen to the other party. Discuss and clarify your goals and areas of agreement. Ensure that other parties understand and acknowledge each other's positions. Consider ways to resolve the problem without any concessions. Think "outside the box." Collaboration can result in long-term gains such as committed relationships.

11. Managing Conflict How to Avoid Misunderstanding

12. Managing Conflict How to Avoid Misunderstanding In conflict situations, avoiding misunderstanding takes a lot of effort. Roger Fisher and William Ury, the authors of “Getting to Yes” list four skills that can improve communication in conflict situations.

13. Managing Conflict How to Avoid Misunderstanding 1.) The first is active listening. The goal of active listening, they say, is to understand your opponent as well as you understand yourself. Pay close attention to what the other side is saying. Ask the opponent to clarify or repeat anything that is unclear or seems unreasonable (maybe it isn't, but you are interpreting it wrong).

14. Managing Conflict How to Avoid Misunderstanding 2.) Fisher and Ury's second rule is to speak directly to your opponent. This is not considered appropriate in some cultures, but when permitted, it helps to increase understanding. Avoid being distracted by others, or by other things going on in the same room. Focus on what you have to say, and on saying it in a way that your opponent can understand.

15. Managing Conflict How to Avoid Misunderstanding 3.) Their third rule is to speak about yourself, not about your opponent. Describe your own feelings and perceptions, rather than focusing on your opponent's motives, misdeeds, or failings. By saying, "I felt let down," rather than "You broke your promise," you will convey the same information, in a way that does not provoke a defensive or hostile reaction from your opponent.

16. Managing Conflict How to Avoid Misunderstanding 4.) Fisher and Ury's fourth rule is "speak for a purpose." Too much communication can be counter productive, they warn. Before you make a significant statement, pause and consider what you want to communicate, why you want to communicate that, and how you can do it in the clearest possible way.

17. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person

18. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person Difficult people are insecure. They want you to think and live like they think and live. Misery indeed loves company. They feel better if you are tense and unhappy. Here are 7 facts you can use when difficult people are on the prowl. These are secret silent statements you say to yourself:

19. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person 1. I am not an actor who must obey your script. The difficult person has a script. In the script he writes that you get angry, that you fight with him, that you condemn him, that you get stressful and frustrated. Difficult people want opposition. That is their primary aim!

20. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person 2. I just cannot afford you any more. This fact reminds you that some relationships carry much too high a price. You have to let go. There is no feeling of superiority or hostility. You simply cannot afford the relationship any more.

21. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person 3. I see your rage as childish, not forceful. Here is how you can heal your perceptions. This fact reminds you that anger is weakness, not strength. Work with this fact and watch it release its treasures of wisdom and self-command. You'll never again cringe before an angry person.

22. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person 4. You don't know it, but I remain at a safe inner distance from you. You see anger from a higher place. Instead of being immersed in it, you're above it now. You need never descend to a lower level to accommodate an immature adult. With this fact, your life is in your power!

23. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person 5. I will not injure you by doing your work. Difficult people are very sly in getting others to carry their load. They are difficult precisely because they have refused self-responsibility. We harm adults when we do things for them that they must do for themselves.

24. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person 6. I sense a lot of anger in your gloom. This fact is in the same category as number 3 above, "I see your rage as childish, not forceful." It is called "reframing." Reframing teaches us to see things through an entirely different lens. It is an amazingly effective method for self-renewal. It can be compassionate to say an encouraging word at times. But we have to be wise!

25. Managing Conflict Dealing with that Difficult Person 7. If you want a destructive fight you will have to fight all alone. A destructive fight is what the difficult person is after. It's what they want, not what you want. With this fact you can stay in your own clear skies. If you refuse to battle the difficult person on their own turf, what can they do about it? The only way they can control you is if you catch the negative ropes they toss. Tom Russell

26. Managing Conflict The Cost of Unresolved Conflict

27. Managing Conflict The Cost of Unresolved Conflict Conflict Can Be Physically Painful • Research on social exclusion shows that the pain of loneliness and social rejection is processed by the same area of the brain that processes physical pain. • This explains why feeling rejected by a loved one can actually be physically painful. • If you're involved in a relationship that includes significant conflict and repeated feelings of rejection, you probably already know that you're also experiencing physical pain on a regular basis.

28. Managing Conflict The Cost of Unresolved Conflict Unacknowledged Conflict Can Still Hurt You • Relationships in which people ‘never fight’ aren’t always as blissful as they seem. • In real life, conflict is inevitable, and resolving it effectively can often be a pathway to greater understanding between two people, bringing them closer. • Relationships in which anger is suppressed and unacknowledged by one or both partners can actually be unhealthy -- literally.

29. Managing Conflict The Cost of Unresolved Conflict Forgive and Forget: • If resolving the conflict seems impossible or too costly to attempt, you need to protect yourself from the long-term effects of unresolved conflict. • It’s probably a good idea to try to forgive the other person and let it go. • Forgiving doesn’t mean opening yourself up to being wronged again or that you have condoned the behavior that created the conflict. • It means that you have decided that carrying the weight of anger and frustration associated with unresolved conflict is too heavy a weight to continue to bear. • You can be careful in what you expect from this person in the future without actively harboring resentment, and you’ll be the one to benefit the most.

30. Managing Conflict The Cost of Unresolved Conflict Cut The Person Out of Your Life: • If what the other person did was abusive and there’s absolutely no remorse or reason to expect things to be different in the future, you can severely limit your dealings with this person, or cut off contact altogether. • This is normally a last-resort choice, but in cases of abuse, it’s sometimes a necessary one to make for your own emotional health. • In any event, in relationships that may cause harm to you or others, limiting the number victims may mean removing yourself from the equation.

31. Managing Conflict Truth springs from arguments amongst friends. David Hume

32. Managing Conflict Tom Neal – tgneal@tgneal.com