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Creating a culture of gentleness with families

Creating a culture of gentleness with families. C-Waiver Conference East Lansing September 8, 2010 . What is the role of parents?. Core Values. Attachment Cycles 1 st Year. . Need. . Relaxation of tension (trust). Trust of Caretaking. State of high arousal (rage). . .

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Creating a culture of gentleness with families

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  1. Creating a culture of gentleness with families C-Waiver Conference East Lansing September 8, 2010

  2. What is the role of parents?

  3. Core Values

  4. Attachment Cycles1st Year  Need  Relaxation of tension (trust) Trust of Caretaking State of high arousal (rage)   Satisfaction of need (gratification)

  5. Attachment Cycles2nd Year  Wants  Mutual good feelings Trust of Control Appropriate limits   Acceptance of limits

  6. Unmet Developmental Needs • The inability to self-soothe • The lack of empathy • Poor impulse control

  7. What Gets in the Way?

  8. Disabilities • Physical • Developmental • Mental Illness

  9. Attachment Disorders Behavioral manifestations in children include: • Opposition • Control • Jealousy • Stealing • Anger/Rage

  10. Trauma • Recurrent and severe physical abuse • Recurrent and severe emotional abuse • Sexual abuse • Factors affecting how a child responds to trauma: • Child’s relationship to the victim/perpetrator • Child’s past experience with trauma

  11. Loss and Grief • Parents • Other family • Trusted caregivers

  12. Parental Issues • Divorce • Poverty • Mental Illness

  13. Stressful Interactions • Restrictions • Punishments • Social Isolation • Shaming

  14. A culture of gentlenessorJust Good Parenting?

  15. A culture of Gentleness Means • Warm words, loving and soft touches • Staying with those who are fearful • Doing things for those who will not or cannot • Being peaceful in the face of violence

  16. It Does Not Mean • Fixing and focusing on behaviors/ symptoms • Letting the other do whatever they want • Focusing on tasks • Focusing on differences

  17. Support Strategies • Be soft, slow and gentle • Do things for the person • Draw the person into activities with you • Always be ready to help or back off • Express warmth throughout • Focus on the relationship • Honor the person

  18. Support Strategies • Provide predictable daily routines • Use of schedules • Visual • Introduce changes via the schedule • Teach coping/relaxation skills

  19. Support Strategies • Consistent sleep routines • Regular, healthy meals and snacks • Physical activity • Sensitivity to health issues

  20. Support Strategies • Give messages of safety and love • Empathize and validate feelings • Identify early signs that the child is feeling scared or insecure • Calm the environment

  21. Support Strategies • Know your child’s developmental level and keep expectations in accordance • Offer choices – be cautious about offering too many • Keep promises • Play and have fun!

  22. Avoid • Only reacting to frustrations and fears rather than their prevention • Focusing on independence vs. interdependence • Teaching a lesson • Raising one’s voice • Being overly demanding

  23. Avoid • Saying or implying “I’m the boss” • Insisting on having the last word • Using tense body language • Preaching • Overwhelming the child physically or verbally

  24. Avoid • Using sarcasm • Arguing • Trying to reason when the child is agitated • Talking about the child vs. talking to the child

  25. When Meltdowns Occur • Not an optimal time to teach • We’re going to do something else • Gaining control is not the goal • Focusing on the problem can be risky • Safety, security and dignity are the first considerations

  26. When I am at my worst, you need to be at your best!

  27. “Tenderness and kindness are not signs of weakness and despair, but manifestations of strength and resolution.”KahilGibran

  28. QUESTIONS??

  29. Sheena Gorecki, Ph.D. Director of Children’s Services MORC, Inc. sheena.gorecki@morcinc.org (586) 263-8973 • Diane Lindsay, Ed.S. Director of Clinical Operations MORC, Inc. diane.lindsay@morcinc.org (586) 263-8919

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