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WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development Series Difficult Conversations

WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development Series Difficult Conversations. January 29, 2014. Samuel P. Jenkins, MBA OD Consultant - Applied Leadership. Introductions/Review.

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WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development Series Difficult Conversations

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  1. WUSM Pediatrics Leadership Development Series Difficult Conversations January 29, 2014 Samuel P. Jenkins, MBA OD Consultant - Applied Leadership

  2. Introductions/Review • Anyone in the class who was not here last week? If so, please introduce yourself, tell us your job, and what you’d like to get from the training • Everyone who was in the class last week – tell us “one” thing that you learned/took away from the first session

  3. Communication Attributes • Effective(per your exercise) • Clarity • Trustworthy/forthright • Collaborative • Stays on task • Transparent/direct • A good listener and speaker; eye contact • Accessible • Meets people where they are • Not derogatory

  4. Communication Attributes • Ineffective(per your exercise) • Petty/nick picker • Bully/tyrant • Condescending • Rambles/mumbles • Does not acknowledge needs of others/own agenda • Dominates the conversation • Intimidates in voice and gestures • Takes things personally

  5. Factors That Can Aid or Hinder Communication 2011 Annette Veech, PhD Recognition, Reward, or Blame? • Logistics • Hand Offs • Paper Trails Unexpected • Emotions • Expertise • Culture • Risk Level • Support • Outcomes

  6. Effective CommunicationStreamlined Competency Model* • Lead by demonstrating expectations • Plan ahead to manage risk • Assess stakeholders’ perspectives (logical vs. emotional) • Explain logic behind critical thinking, so all envision “one” outcome • Communicate strategically • Focus on observable behaviors; avoid references to “attitude” • Listen actively without building defense; rephrase others’ perspectives • Use active voice for action; passive voice for bad news *2011 Annette Veech, PhD

  7. Effective CommunicationStreamlined Competency Model* • Manage the difficult moments • Clarify purpose and intended outcomes • Acknowledge feelings; ask variations of “five whys” • Reiterate, precisely and concisely, benefits of next steps and outcomes *2011 Annette Veech, PhD

  8. Two Underlying Dimensions of Conflict-Handling Behaviors Competing Collaborating ASSERTIVENESS Compromising Avoiding Accommodating COOPERATIVENESS

  9. Ideas for Communicating Precisely and Concisely Sources: Universal Principles of Design, by W. Lidwell, K. Holden, & J. Butler. The first six points in column two are drawn from Malcolm Gladwell’s The Tipping Point

  10. Difficult Conversations • Think of a conversation you had recently that was particularly difficult • Write down three/four attributes that were present; ones that helped define the conversation as difficult • Discuss your answers in your small group, create a composite and report to the larger group

  11. Difficult Conversations • Your answers - attributes of a difficult conversation • Strong personality/forces agreement • Not able to recognize something is wrong • Not enough time to process • High level of emotion/take it personal • Unexpected events • Don’t know the answer/lack of preparation • Conflict not managed • Power differential

  12. Six Basic Types of Difficult Conversations* • I have bad news for you • Have to deliver unwelcome information • You are challenging my power • Boss thinks you put him/her on the spot • I can’t go there • Conflict averse; watch conversation/relationship go south *2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

  13. Six Basic Types of Difficult Conversations • You win/I lose • Despite efforts to be cooperative; the other party needs to come out on top • What’s going on here? • Intensely charged and extremely confusing • I’m being attacked! • On the offensive with accusations, profanity, shouts, and perhaps worse

  14. Three Basic Types of Hard Talk* • Combat mentality • The attitude that difficult conversations are battles with winners/losers • Heavy emotional loads • Particularly anger, embarrassment, anxiety and fear • Hard to read what is happening • Hard to read the others’ intentions *2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

  15. Difficult Conversations - Movie Clip • Let’s revisit the movie Ordinary People • In this scene Beth and Cal travel to see her brother in Houston for a golf vacation • Beth and Cal are having a great time, enjoying each other and the company of family • Remember last week, you recognized that: • Issues have not been resolved • There is emotional dishonesty • Blame and shame • Afterwards, we’ll relate the scene to “Hard Talk”

  16. Difficult Conversations* • Bearable vs. Toxic • Three “misguided” slants on handling tough conversations • Oversimplifying tough conversations • Pointing to “one thing” as the problem; subject/counterpart • Win or lose mentality • Win at my expense, payback; reluctance to back down or repair • Delusion of good intentions • I meant well, so this hard conversation shouldn’t happen *2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

  17. Difficult Conversations* • What’s wrong with what we (they) do? • Each side thinks the trouble is the other side’s fault • Our counterparts use “thwarting ploys” to get us to back off • We want to avoid confrontation • Our own emotions are in the way • Swing from pole to pole • Stick to one old standby • Resist skill *2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

  18. Difficult Conversations* • The way through them: • Self respect • Respect for your counterpart • Respect for the conversation itself • Balance within • Balance within the two sides • Move through the conversational landscapes • Open new possibilities *2010 Holly Weeks, Failure to Communicate

  19. Difficult Conversations Let’s do some work from your Primers

  20. Difficult Conversations • Today I learned . . .

  21. Back Up Charts 21

  22. What Makes a Conversation “Pay Off” • What you want • What he/she wants • The Goal: Make the future “better” 22

  23. A “Good” Conversation, Albeit Difficult • What is a good conversation? • How you feel • How he/she feels • The Goal: Better understanding 23

  24. What’s At Risk in Difficult Conversations • Your view of who you are – and his/her view • Your self-esteem – and his/her self-esteem • Rejection • Relationships • Business outcomes 24

  25. If You Are “On the Hook” • Did you help create this problem? • Did you forget to do something? Or did you do something? • What do you do with that “guilt”? • Admit your part in the issue • Tell him/her your perception about what part he/she “owns” • Try to get mutual understanding on the problem • Go forward to solve it 25

  26. Elements of Conversations That Work Techniques You Can Use • Open-ended • Summarizing • Pausing • Reflecting 26

  27. Elements of Conversations That Work • Concern for the other’s perspective • Be curious – ask open-ended questions • How does “it” look to him/her? • Be an “impartial observer” • Hold your perspective aside • Be objective • Non-judgmental • Can both of you be right? 27

  28. Elements of Conversations That Work • Check your own feelings • Am I afraid? Angry? Worried about how “this looks”? • Check out assumptions – yours and his/hers • “I am right – you are wrong” • “I will lose if this doesn’t go my way” • “I (or you) want certain things. . . ” • Ask open-ended questions 28

  29. Elements of Conversations That Work • State your perspective without judgment • Go beyond “fact finding” • Confirm perceptions, interpretations, values • Avoid blame • State “the obvious” 29

  30. Elements of Conversations That Work • Work towards commitment and understanding • Avoid coercion • You do not have to convince them • You cannot control their reactions 30

  31. Elements of Conversations That Work • Once the problem is clear: • Work together to solve problems • Be a mediator • Encourage a conversation so others will follow 31

  32. What Makes a Conversation NOT Work? • Your own issues • Assuming “bad” things • Bad intentions – bad person • Continuing when you should stop • Not hearing the “un-said” • Trying to control the conversation and/or person • Placing blame 32

  33. Blaming vs. Assessing JUDGING UNDERSTANDING CHANGING ACCUSING FORWARD BACKWARD 33

  34. How Can You Make Things Worse? • Avoiding a conversation that is needed • Telling others • Being unapproachable • Waiting for the other to change • Holding assumptions • Assigning motives 34

  35. Does Timing Matter? • What are the “right” circumstances? • The “Hit and Run” approach • Later vs. Now • Your feelings (and theirs) • Relevance 35

  36. “Normal” Flow of a Conversation • Pick the right moment • Say “I’d like to talk” • State the issue – from the “third-party” view point • Ask questions to clarify • State your understanding, feelings, assumptions • Admit your contribution • Ask about his/her contribution • Ask what he/she could do to change things • Give and accept constructive feedback • Focus on how to move forward 36

  37. Remember . . . • There are no casual conversations when you are a manager • Your words, tone, expression carry added weight • Being “aware” is half the battle • Awareness rests on: • Assumptions • Interactions • Interpretations • Reactions 37

  38. Final Tips • Understanding is not agreeing • Recover your balance in conversations (often) • Don’t wait • Have a long-term view – how do you want this relationship to go? 38

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