An Open Dialogue With Women About Love & Sex Addiction

1. An Open Dialogue With Women About Love & Sex Addiction Presented By: Elaine Leadem, LCSW, CSAT, CMAT

2. Definition of Addiction “A pathological dependence with a mood altering drug or experience.”

3. Definition of Addiction • Addiction is not about frequency of use or quantity – whether it is a substance addiction or a process addiction. • Gambling, food, spending, sex and romance are potentially addictive and known as process addictions. • The addict continues to use or act out as if their drug of choice is the solution and not the problem.

4. Definition of Sexual Addiction “Sexual addiction is a persistent and escalating pattern or patterns of sexual behaviors acted out despite increasingly negative consequences to self or others.” Provided By: Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health

5. Definition of Sexual Addiction • Sexual addiction should be considered when the misuse of sex for love or power fits into an escalating pattern of behavior that the person feels unable to control or in fact needs to control. • As the addiction progresses, you will see harmful consequences, unmanageability, obsessions, and a decreasing ability to function.

6. Behavioral Indicators • A pattern of out of control sexual behavior – not usually recognized by the sex addict until sexually sober and usually after getting caught • The amount, extent and duration of the behavior regularly exceeds what the addict intended.

7. Behavioral Indicators • If the client has made any attempts to control the behaviors in question it is likely that this symptom could apply. Remember the need to control one’s behavior could also indicate a problem.

8. Behavioral Indicators • Experiencing severe consequences due to sexual behavior and an inability to stop despite these adverse consequences • Persistent pursuit of self destructive or high risk behavior • As the sex addict’s tolerance increases and more time is spent in the “zone” greater and greater risks are taken without fear of getting caught.

9. Behavioral Indicators • Ongoing desire or effort to limit sexual behavior • As the unmanageability grows the addict is likely to try a great many “fixes” for the problem, such as changing jobs, getting married, finding religion, swearing off men.

10. Behavioral Indicators • Sexual obsession and fantasy as a primary coping strategy • When one is using sex and fantasy as a primary coping strategy for calming anxiety, to change one’s mood, cope with stress, deal with loss or face social anxiety – it is an indication that a sex or love addiction is developing.

11. Behavioral Indicators • Sexual obsession and fantasy is not necessarily about having an orgasm. • The sex and love addict will use sexual and romantic fantasy and behavior as a mood altering experience regardless of the consequences it brings. • All relapse in addiction is preceded by a desire to feel differently and the expectation that one’s “drug of choice” would make that happen.

12. Behavioral Indicators • Regularly increasing the amount of sexual experience because the current level of activity is no longer sufficiently satisfying • Severe mood changes related to sexual activity • Inordinate amounts of time spent obtaining sex, being sexual, and recovering from sexual experiences

13. Behavioral Indicators • Neglect of important social, occupational, or recreational activities because of sexual behavior

14. Definition of Love Addiction “Love addiction is a persistent or re-occurring pattern of romantic behaviors or relationships that are maintained or repeated despite increasing or predictably negative consequences to self or others.” Leadem, J., Leadem, S. Ounce of Prevention: A Course in Relapse Prevention, 2012.

15. Behavioral Indicators • Love addicts assign a disproportionate amount of time, attention, and “value above themselves” to the person to whom they are addicted, and this focus often has an obsessive quality about it. Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.

16. Behavioral Indicators • Love addicts have unrealistic expectations for unconditional positive regard from the other person in the relationship and neglect to care for or value themselves while they’re lost in or in pursuit of a romantic relationship. Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.

17. Behavioral Indicators • Pia Mellody’s work on love addiction in Facing Love Addiction, 1992, identifies that the language used to describe a love addiction is functionally very similar to what has been written about the traits of co-dependency. • The “love relationship is not seen as the exclusive answer to the problem” for the co-dependent person as it is for the love addicted sufferer. Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.

18. Behavioral Indicators • When a relationship becomes addictive, love is a struggle for power rather than an experience of intimacy. Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.

19. Behavioral Indicators • Love addicts are likely to fall in love for the relationship’s potential – which is an early indicator of self devaluation and they will often view self as less than when not in a romance. Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction, 1992.

20. Sexually Compulsive Behavior • In the original research conducted for Don’t Call It Love, a series of 114 sexual behaviors was statistically analyzed. • A total of 10 “types” of sexually compulsive behavior emerged in the sex addicts surveyed. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

21. Type #1: Fantasy Sex • Primary source of arousal: sexually charged fantasies, relationships, and situations and arousal depends on sexual possibility. • Most frequent behavior patterns for female sex addicts include: pursuing someone, a passionate sexual encounter, euphoric recall of a sexual experience, finding the perfect relationship, and being cared for. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

22. Type #1: Fantasy Sex • Look for multiple romances, compulsive masturbation, preference for fantasy over contact and periods of compulsive non-sexuality. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

23. Type #2: Seductive Role Sex • Primary source of arousal: seduction of partners as a way to gain power and control. Since arousal is based on conquest it diminishes rapidly after the initial contact. • Recent studies of internet sex show problematic cybersex behaviors by women as over 40% (online chatting with sexually explicit messages, online dating, online exposure through webcams). Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

24. Type #2: Seductive Role Sex • Men and women in this group tend to feel compelled to be sexual because they have been seductive and not because they really want sex. • The conquest is everything and the arousal of the chase can lead to a trance-like state in which the addict is unaware of the level of risks being taken. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

25. Type #3: Exhibitionistic Sex • Primary source of arousal: attracting attention to the body or sexual parts of the body and relies heavily on the reaction of the viewer whether it is one of shock or interest. • Exposing body parts via web cam on the internet, leaving the window blinds open, being sexual or dressing and undressing in public. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

26. Type #4: Voyeuristic Sex • Primary source of arousal: visual stimulation to escape into obsessive trance-like state. • Awareness of human beauty is one of nature’s pleasures and a sense of longing for a connection is quite natural. For the sex addict, their reaction to physical human beauty is not natural. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

27. Type #4: Voyeuristic Sex • Pornography –30% of internet pornography consumers are women according to the 2008 Internet Pornography statistics • Adult bookstores & strip shows • Use of telescopes/binoculars to watch others • Sexualizing others in public places Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

28. Type #5: Paying for Sex • Primary source of arousal: purchasing of sexual services in which the transaction is is more stimulating than the actual physical contact. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

29. Type #5: Paying for Sex • The Internet has replaced the pimp for many sex consumers and offers the biggest “world-wide street corner” our society has ever seen. The risks involved in paying for sex are generally understood by all involved (phone sex, escort service, massage parlor, smart phone hook ups). Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

30. Type #5: Paying for Sex • For the occasional customer the risks are acceptable. For the sex addict in this profile the risks themselves can represent the necessary elements for peak arousal & the costs are significantly different as they are cumulative. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

31. Type #6: Trading Sex • Primary source of arousal: Selling or bartering sex for power in order to gain control of others by using sex as a leverage whether as the broker or the consumer. • Addicts in this category may barter sex for career advancements or any form of power – social, political, emotional and may be the one who is making the “purchase” or the “sale”. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

32. Type #7: Intrusive Sex • Primary source of arousal: boundary violation without discovery and preferably with no repercussions. • Intrusive sex occurs when someone is sexualized or touched without their permission. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

33. Type #7: Intrusive Sex • The more obvious intrusions are: making inappropriate sexual advances or gestures, sexual touching or fondling, or the use of force. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

34. Type #8: Anonymous Sex • Primary source of arousal: high risk sex with unknown persons with no seduction or cost likely and obtained as spontaneously as possible. • Sex is the primary goal but the anonymity and the prospect of a “golden opportunity” chance meeting contributes significantly to the arousal as does the greatly diminished likelihood of emotional involvement. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

35. Type #9: Pain Exchange Sex • Primary source of arousal: violating emotional or physical boundaries through emotional or physical pain or both in the role of the victim or the violator with no repercussions. • The pleasure associated with sadomasochistic behavior is frequently found in the emotions experienced during the event and not in the abuse itself. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

36. Type #10: Exploitive Sex • Primary source of arousal: exploitation of the vulnerable often with specific profiles. • Arousal patterns are based on target “types” of vulnerability. Carnes, P. Don’t Call It Love, 1992.

37. Consequences of Sex Addiction • Legal Risk • Exposure to AIDS/STD’s • Suicide Attempts • Suicide Obsession • Abortions • Unwanted Pregnancies

38. Consequences of Sex Addiction • Lost Career Opportunities • Severe Relationship Problems • Loss of Partner or Spouse

39. Professional Help • Leadem Counseling & Consulting Services • 668 Commons Way, Building I Toms River, NJ 08755 Telephone: 732-797-1444 Website: www.leademcounseling.com Email: leadem@comcast.net • International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals • P.O. Box 2112 Carefree, AZ 85377 Telephone: 866-575-6853 Website: www.iitap.com

40. Professional Help • The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health • P.O. Box 433 Royston, GA 30662 Telephone: 706-356-7031 Website: www.sash.net

41. Important Reading • Bercaw, B. , Bercaw, G. The Couples Guide to Intimacy: How Sexual Reintegration Therapy Can Help Your Relationship Heal. Self Published, 2010. • Black, C. Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 2009. • Carnes, P. Don't Call It Love: Recovery from Sexual Addiction. New York: Bantam Books, 1991. • Carnes, P. Facing the Shadows: Starting Sexual and Relational Recovery. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2008. • Carnes, P. Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Center City, MN: Hazelden, 1983. • Ferree, M. No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2010. • Kasl, C. S. Women, Sex, and Addiction. New York: Harper & Row Publishers, 1990. • McDaniel, K. Ready to Heal: Women Facing Love, Sex, and Relationship Addiction. Carefree, AZ: Gentle Path Press, 2008. • Mellody, P. Facing Love Addiction: Giving Yourself the Power to Change the Way You Love. San Francisco, CA: HarperCollins Publishers, 1992. • Schnieder, J., Weiss, R.. Cybersex Exposed: Simple Fantasy or Obsession. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing,2011.

42. Applicable Self-Help Groups • Sex Addicts Anonymous • Website: www.saa-recovery.org • Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous • Website: www.slaafws.org • Sexaholics Anonymous • Website: www.sa.org • COSA • Website: www.cosa-recovery.org • S-Anon • Website: www.sanon.org

43. Recommended Book List • Clearing Away the Wreckage of the Past • A Task Oriented Guide for Completing Steps 4 through 7 • One in the Spirit • Meditation Course for Recovering Couples • See Back Table for Order Forms

44. Other Works By John & Elaine • Surveying the Wreckage: A Guide to the Fourth Step • Published by Gentle Path Press • Inspiration that will guide you through the challenges of the Fourth Step