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The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work. Final Project Christina Pinedo Moore FHS 2450. How Gottman and Silver Predict Divorce. 1 st sign-Harsh start up Conversation starts with criticism, sarcasm or contempt If it starts negative it will end with a negative tone
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The Seven Principles For Making Marriage Work Final Project Christina Pinedo Moore FHS 2450
How Gottman and Silver Predict Divorce • 1st sign-Harsh start up • Conversation starts with criticism, sarcasm or contempt • If it starts negative it will end with a negative tone • 2nd sign- The four horsemen • Horseman 1- criticism • Horseman 2-contempt • Horseman 3-defensiveness • Horseman 4-stonewalling • 3rd sign-Flooding • Spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming that it leaves the other spouse shell-shocked.
How Gottman and Silver Predict Divorce Cont’d • 4th sign- Body language • Raised heartbeats • Secretions of adrenaline • Raised Blood Pressure • Sweating • 5th sign- Failed repair attempts • Efforts the couple makes to deescalate the tension during a touchy discussion • 6th sign- Bad memories • When a couple is in a happy marriage they focus on the positive and wonderful things of the past. When a couple is in an unhappy marriage, the focus is on the negative of everything that has gone wrong.
Four Final Stages your Marriage is Done • 1- Marital problems seem severe • 2- Talking it over is useless and problems are solved separately • 3- Leading parallel lives • 4- Loneliness sets in
Two Kinds of Marital Conflicts • They can be resolved (solvable problems) or they will be a part of the couples’ lives forever (perpetual problems.) • A-Perpetual Problems • -Typical perpetual problems • to have or not have children • the frequency of sex • division of housework • religion in children’s lives • raising and rearing of children • B-Solvable Problems • this type of problem is simple but can cause a great deal of pain in couples’ life
How To Tell The Difference • Solvable problems are less painful and less intense, they also have no underlying conflict fueling dispute. • If solvable problems are not compromised it can evolve into a perpetual problem. • The key to ALL conflict resolution • Communicate basic acceptance to your partner’s personality • Both must make each other feel understood • People change ONLY if they feel that they are liked and accepted as they are • Remember, No One is ever right.
Coping With Perpetual Problems • Couples learn to will live with the problem and approach it with good humor • Couples acknowledge their problem and talk about it • Couples develop strategies and routines to help deal with their problem • Eventually couple will learn to cope with their problem
Coping With Solvable Problems • Every marriage has it’s emotional tasks, but if these tasks are accomplished together the result will be that their marriage will grow and deepen. Tasks come down to attaining a rich understanding between the couple. This understanding is needed for both to feel safe and secure. • The 6 emotional tasks in a Marriage • 1-Stress • 2-Relations with the in-laws • 3-Money • 4-Sex • 5-Housework • 6-Becoming Parents
Principle 1: Enhance Love Maps • Become familiar with one another’s world • Make cognitive room for you marriage • Remember major events in each other’s history • Keep updating facts and feelings as their world changes • Bring not only love but fortitude to weather marital storms • The more you know and understand each other, the easier it is to stay connected
Principle 2: Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration • These are the most crucial elements in a rewarding and ever lasting romance • Spouse feels their partner is worthy of honor and respect • But once this is gone, the marriage is not salvageable • Fundamental positive view about spouse and history • Maintain a reserve of good feelings • Remind yourself of partner’s positive qualities
Principle 3: Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away • Making time for one another • The basis of emotional connection, romance, passion and a good sex life • Couples who turn towards remain emotionally engaged and stay married.
Principle 4: Let Your Partner Influence You • In order for a marriage to survive we have to share the driver’s seat • When a man is not willing to share power with partner 81% of the time, the marriage will self- destruct • Do not make decisions that make spouse feel disrespected. • When a couple shares power they are more likely to find solutions that satisfies both. • Couples need to choose “US” over “Me” • Couples need to learn to yield in order to win • Lastly, be willing to compromise. You can never get your way 100 percent of the time without crushing your partner’s view.
Principle 5: Solve Your Solvable Problems • Treat spouse with the same respect you treat company • In order to resolve conflicts each partner must: • 1- soften the start up • 2- learn to make and receive repair attempts • 3- soothe yourself and each other • 4-compromise • 5-be tolerant of each other’s faults
Principle 6:Overcome Gridlock • The goal is not to SOLVE problem but move from gridlock to dialogue • Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams, hopes, aspirations, and wishes- they are a part of your identity and give you purpose and meaning to life- that aren’t being addressed or respected by each other. • Often these dreams are rooted in childhood • You either want to recreate or need to distance away from dream • The problems arise when the true reason to the arguments are hidden or disrespected • Each need to help one another realize dream as a good in the marriage • Work as a team • DO NOT make spouse give up dream • Marriage should support both dreams • Respect dreams and each other’s needs • 3 levels of honoring dream • Express understanding of the dream, be interested in learning more about it even though you don’t share it. • Offer financial support for the dream • Become a part of the dream.
Principle 7: Create Shared Meaning • Create inner life together • A culture is when 2 people have agreed to share their lives • This doesn’t mean seeing eye to eye in all tasks • Meshing and incorporation of both dreams in the marriage is necessary • Couples should create a culture rich in understanding • Honor each other’s dream even if you don’t share them • Be open to each other’s perspectives • Encourage an atmosphere for each person to talk honestly and respectfully about their convictions. • A culture should include family rituals, roles, goals, and shared symbols
Now what? • Devote Five Hours a week to your marriage • Working briefly on your marriage will do more for your health than a gym ever can • One spouse should be the Marital Poop Detector • This couple takes the lead in “sniffing” out trouble. • Call out spouse and find out what is wrong • Lastly, forgive yourself • Criticism is connected to self-doubt • Accept yourself with all your flaws • Express thanks and praise • Grace and forgiveness will follow after.