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Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block

Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block. Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D. Psychologist Division of Behavioral Health A I duPont Hospital for Children Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics Jefferson Medical College.

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Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block

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  1. Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D. Psychologist Division of Behavioral Health A I duPont Hospital for Children Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics Jefferson Medical College

  2. How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children? • Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or… • …validate these feelings?

  3. Self-Esteem: “Its all relative.” • How much we approve of/value ourselves • Based on comparison

  4. Low Self-Esteem • Comes from the child’s evaluation of his/her perceived inadequacies.

  5. Low Self-Esteem • “I do not measure up.”

  6. High Self-Esteem • “I measure up well.”

  7. Artificially Inflate Self-Esteem • “Give” high self esteem: - Praise indiscriminately - Protect from frustration/self doubt

  8. Artificially Inflating Self-Esteem • Caregiver Response • “You’re so smart.” • “You’re so kind.” • “You’re so pretty.” • Child Translation • “Smartness makes me loveable.” • “Being kind makes me loveable.” • “Being pretty makes me loveable.”

  9. Inflating Self Esteem • Less than perfect is not ok… • …so, cannot take constructive feedback and does not learn from mistakes

  10. Drawbacks of Self-Esteem when things do not go well • Narcissism • Self absorption • Self-righteous anger • Prejudice • Discrimination • Entitlement • Humiliation • Incompetence • Inferiority • Depression • Anxiety • Anger

  11. So, how do we: • Maintain a stable sense of self in the midst of success as well as failure?

  12. How do we: • Have high self-esteem… • ….and not always measure up?

  13. Here’s how: • By being content with not • always measuring up • Maintaining stability in the • midst of success as well as • failure • Accepting failure as a fact of • life

  14. Self-Compassion • How much warmth do we have for ourselves? • Based on self-acceptance • Not based on self-evaluation/social comparison

  15. Self-Compassion • How much warmth we have for ourselves especially when the road gets tough

  16. Self-Compassion • SC: “Could have happened to anyone.” • SE: “These things only happen to me.”

  17. Self-Compassion: 3-Step Process • Realize things are difficult • Respond to yourself with kindness/ understanding • Normalize it

  18. Self-Compassion • “It sounds like you’re feeling aggravated.” • “That sounds so hard!” • “Did that make you angry?” • “How awful!” • “It’s normal to feel….” • “It sounds like that made you happy.” • “That sounds like a good plan.” • “I really like the….”

  19. Self-Compassion • Provides the same benefits of high self-esteem…. • …without its drawbacks

  20. How to Help Children Develop Self-Compassion • Be kind to yourself • Teach children truth about life • Ease into self-compassion slowly • Judge the behavior, not the child • Model future behavior, don’t punish the past

  21. Are there drawbacks to self-compassion? • Will it lower standards/encourage laziness? • Self-compassionate people are less likely to lower their standards (Neff, 2011).

  22. Self-Compassion: Rewards • Higher standards • Strong work ethic • Personal responsibility • Not afraid of failure • More courageous • More aware of personal faults

  23. Self-Compassion: Rewards • Decreased anxiety, depression, self-criticism • Increased coping ability • Greater feeling of social connectedness

  24. How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children? • Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or… • …validate these feelings?

  25. References Cabane, O. The Charisma Myth, (New York, Penguin Group, 2012). Gilbert, P., Baldwin, M. W., Irons, C., Baccus, J. R., & Palmer, M. “Self-Criticism and Self-Warmth: An Imagery Study Exploring Their Relation to Depression,”Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy 20, no. 2 (2006): 183-200. Kagan, J. Three Seductive Ideas, (Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press, 1998). Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion,” in Handbook of Individual Differences in Social Behavior, eds. M. R. Leary and R. H. Hoyle (New York: Guilford Press, 2009), 561-73. Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K., & Rude, S. S., “Self-Compassion and Its Link to Adaptive Psychological Functioning,”Journal of Research in Personality 41 (2007): 139-54. Neff, K. D. Self Compassion , (William Morrow, 2011).

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