Miranda Vitel’s Harpy Report

1. Miranda Vitel’sHarpy Report All The Snark That’s Fit To Print

2. Starring In a very particular order…

3. PrinceSandhurst Davenport

4. SeneschalLiathibnJa’Lal

5. Sheriff Ethan Imad

6. Keeper of ElysiumMarc Auster

7. HarpyMiranda Vitel

8. featuring Nosferatu Primogen Thomas RialtMalkavian Primogen Lilly MerdellVentrue Primogen Theodore Jacobson

9. With Thomas Allen Aodhan StewardCormac Martin Donovan Birch ZarekHeather FairchildeJenkin TripperBlake Hunter AndFlack Jumping and Handholding, Yay!

10. * On-again-off-again Anarch Flack attempted to make amends for his irresponsible brethren, siting something about "AsshatAnarchs" and "Regular HattedAnarchs" (or something like that) by offering a donation of books to Primogen (yes, he was one of those at the time) ibnJa’Lal. It's so nice to see at least one of the little renegades doing something vaguely productive. He's doing well, by comparison at least. What’s Happening before court?

11. I made it myself! * Aodhan Steward made good on his promise to show a Toreador "math art". It was explained to me how it was math, it was explained to me how it was art; neither made much sense, but it's nice to see a man keep good on his word. Bully to you, sir!

12. * I don't recall what context this was in, nor what it even means now; but the phrase “Tepon Style Praxis Seizure” makes my black little heart sing.

13. * Conversation Cards are all the rage, especially to Card addict PrimogenRialt. Now, I can make enough Cards to last us a hundred gathers. But I would like to see what the knowledge other Kindred are thirsty for. Should anyone bring their very own variation of The Miranda Vitel Conversation Card TM, I shall look quite favorably upon them. Witty Banter

14. Spoiler Alert!!!

15. The Dramatic Final court of prince Thomas Allen Dun DunDuuuun!

16. *Heather Fairchilde, lovely young Nos, was granted six months hospitality. * Donovan Birch, child of Thomas Allen, was also granted six months hospitality...what a twist! Sweet, Sweet Hospitality

17. It’s only for the cool kids. The following status was doled out, courtesy of Prince Thomas Allen: Sandhurst Davenport is seen as Reliable          Marc Auster is seen as JustLiathibnJa’Lalt is seen as Honorable           Miranda Vitel is seen as Valued Status!

18. *CitezenThomas Allen relinquished Praxis of the domain of Phoenix!! Even more shocking given how violently...I mean, valiantly he fought to retain his Praxis not two weeks before. I suppose the conditions were more favorable for a Praxis change, as they weren't being initiated subversively by Mr. Allen's own personal snake in the grass. * Our favorite Keeper of Elysium Sandhurst Davenport claimed Praxis with no challenge. No snark here; I'm pleased with his bloodless rise to power and wish for him the ability to rule as effectively and fairly as we would expect of a veteran Ventrue. And now for the real Shocker…

19. And now for something completely different…court As performed by Prince Davenport

20. In his first official action as Praxis holder, Prince Davenport decreed that all Primogen would be retaining their position. Party for the fact that the current Primogen are performing satisfactorily, partly to avoid the embarrassment of having the exact same Primogen be voted back into office by their respective clans. Yeah, it’s happened before. LiathibnJa’Lal was asked to take the position of Seneschal, and accepted. He can only do exponentially better than his predecessor, who set the bar remarkably low. Marc Auster was asked to take the new Prince's old position as Keeper of  Elysium, he also accepted. Now there are some big shoes to fill, and not just because our Prince Davenport has large feet. We’ve already been through most of this…

21. Mid-court coffee break Yeah, that’s a thing we do.

22. That’s what you call a stereo-typewriter. The theme of this evening’s gather was Stereotyping. In case you had not been informed, here’s what people think about you: What are we talking about? I Assamite: Diablarist assassins Brujah: Brainless followers Gangrel: Savage, uncivilized thugs Malcavian: One step away from retarded Nosferato: Foul sewer-dwellers Toreadore: Perverted sexual omnivores Tremere: Sneaky, selfish creeps Ventrue: Stuffy, stuck up prudes Disclaimer- If you’re thinking of taking offense to any of this, just remember; these aren’t my words, they’re yours.

23. *Primogen Jacobson has offered the reward of one (1) minor boon to the industrious man , woman or child who can come up with a suitable name for the new Elysium. This Old Elysium My suggestion; The House of Ais. That really is very clever, look it up.

24. *Literacy is all the rage as evidenced by the veritable mob that graced our fair Elysium in an attempt to buy our books. These well-read banditos were summarily bean-bagged (?), zip-tied (?)and escorted from the premises (). It makes one wonder if the bearer of books, Flack, had ill-intent in mind; or is actually just an idiot. And the hilarious results Book goes in brain!

25. You know what else is hot, hot, hot right now? Of course you don’t, because I haven’t told you! The High Five is back and in a big way. Even movers and shakers like Primogen Jacobson can be seen partaking in this hip craze. For those squares who don’t know how it goes, just follow these easy steps! Step 1: Accomplish something that needs to be celebrated outwardly, especially if you have accomplished something as part of a group Step 2: Raise one hand to head height Step3: Once one of your fellow revelers takes note of your gesture initiation, they too will raise their hand in a similar manner Step 4: Push, slide or slap the palm of your hand against the palm of your partner What fun!

26. It seems as though our brand new Seneschal is something of a sword tease. You know the type; promises you martial prowess and flourishing and ends up just waggling it about. It left this Harpy feeling slightly less than satisfied. Sword is not a euphemism

27. The Ventrue have let me in on one of their oldest and most closely guarded secrets…and I’m terrible with secrets so I shall share. Many moons ago the wisest of the Ventrue tribe invented a powerful tool that would be the rival of any that came before; and they called their masterwork The Powerpoint Presentation. Back in the days of yore, it was a crude affair, slaves holding up stone tablets with discussion points and poorly drawn public domain images. And this was how they taught their young, and they grew to be masters of this technology. As they progressed, so did their masterpiece. Until they reached the pinnacle of advancement, and you have what you see before you today. Ancient Ventrue Secret

28. Primogen Jacobson is currently seeking a new nemesis. Potential candidates must be nefarious, cunning and wily; and preferably, slightly less intelligent than him. To apply, please fax resume to (602)555-5123 Attn: Betty What a civilized way to do it

29. * Should anyone particularly want the position of Scourge, please pick up the White Courtesy Phone and have a quiet word with Prince Davenport

30. * Next gather I shall be trying out a potential Lesser Harpy, Ms. Heather Fairchilde. However, I believe in healthy competition and would like to have other recruits, as it were. If you are interested in the coveted position of Harpy In Training with your very own Miranda Vitel, do send me a little note and we'll get you fitted for gloves and a mouth guard. I call them “Harplettes”

31. Court, Part Deux The exciting final chapter of…Court!

32. In an effort to crawl back to the Ivory Tower after an extended stay with the Anarchs, Flack was presented to Prince Davenport by PrimogenMerdel. A blood boon was offered by Flack to sweeten the deal to allow him back and it apparently worked, as Prince Davenport has one new loyal follower. Welcome back, Flack. I doubt you’ll be allowed to defect twice. Welcome Back

33. What can I say…you can’t live with them You can’t drown them all in a sack. And Finally, The Anarchs

34. Ta da!