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Decoding Love: Myths, Realities, and Quotes for Lasting Relationships

Explore the complexities of love, from monogamy to spiritual growth, through psychological theories, practical advice, and poignant quotes. Learn how actions, commitment, and independence shape relationships, along with key factors for happy vs. unhappy couples. Discover the truth behind common love myths and the transformative power of genuine connection.

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Decoding Love: Myths, Realities, and Quotes for Lasting Relationships

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  1. Michael Hoerger What is Love?

  2. Introduction • “Work and love, that’s all there is” – Freud • Finding love is a key developmental event in early adulthood • Psychologists and the public use the word “love,” so it must have some meaning • Today’s lecture is intended to challenge your preconceptions and help you to establish a working definition of love

  3. Monogamy • Only 5% of species, those where both parents needed for child’s survival • Pair-bonding: having an emotional attachment to another • Oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine release during sex; feels addicting • Good feelings associated with partner (classical conditioning) • Tells you “Gee sex with this person feels great” rather than just “Geez sex feels great”

  4. Montane vole Prairie vole Pair-bond vs. No pair-bond

  5. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory • Love is multifaceted, with up to 3 central components • Passion: intense longing for another person • Intimacy: feeling connected, enjoying one’s company and support • Commitment: obligations and responsibilities to one another

  6. Peck’s Criticisms of “Love” • Falling in love (passion) ≠ love • Excitement related to new, attractive person • “We fall in love when we are consciously or unconsciously sexually motivated” • The honeymoon always ends • Dependency ≠ love • “I need him” or “I’d die without her” • “What you describe is parasitism, not love” • Love is based on choice, not necessity

  7. Love ≠ a feeling • Love is an action, characterized by treating someone well • Having strong feelings that someone is important or needed doesn’t mean you love them • Myth of Romantic love • Story that two people are “meant to be,” that it is predetermined “in the stars” • If it doesn’t end up working out, people say it wasn’t “true love” after all (hindsight bias) • Realistically, there are many suitable partners

  8. Love is… • An action, not a feeling • Attention • A risk of rejection • Independence, not dependence • Commitment • Self-disciplined …hard work

  9. Happy Couples • Partner’s know each other’s hopes, quirks, likes, dislikes • Secret Weapon: ritualized “repair attempts” to prevent increased negativity • Shared, deep sense of meaning • 5 : 1 ratio

  10. Unhappy Couples • Arguments characterized by… • Harsh setup: negative and accusatory • 4 types of negative interactions: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling • Flooding  Stonewalling • Failed repair attempts • Bad memories

  11. Love Quotes “I define love thus: The will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth” - M. Scott Peck “Love is the subtlest force in the world” - Mahatma Gandhi “By accident of fortune a man may rule the world for a time, but by virtue of love he may rule the world forever” - Lao-tzu “Love is the only force capable of transforming an enemy into a friend” - Martin Luther King Jr.

  12. “It’s a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous, that you realize just how much you love them” - Agatha Christie “One of the oldest human needs is having someone to wonder where you are when you don’t come home at night” - Margaret Mead “Love is a condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own” - Robert Heinlein “Whoso loves… Believes the impossible” - Elizabeth Barrett Browning

  13. “Love doesn’t have to feel dizzying” - Michael Levine “Love is something like the clouds that were in the sky before the sun came out. You cannot touch the clouds, you know; but you feel the rain and know how glad the flowers and the thirsty earth are to have it after a hot day. You cannot touch love either; but you feel the sweetness that it pours into everything” - Annie Sullivan “Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh” - W. H. Auden

  14. “Sympathy constitutes friendship; but in love there is a sort of antipathy, or opposing passion. Each strives to be the other, and both together make up one whole” - Samuel Taylor Coleridge “True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked. - Erich Segal “Love talked about can be easily turned aside, but love demonstrated is irresistible” - W. Stanley Mooneyham

  15. Michael Hoerger To cite this lecture: • Hoerger, M. (2007, March 28). What is Love? Presented at a PSY 220 lecture at Central Michigan University.

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