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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno. Intimacy in Relationships Rich Wedemeyer, ODAPCA, 2012. Types of Relationships. Friends Teacher/Student Companions Acquaintances Parent-child Boss-worker Coworkers Organization-Member Husband-Wife / Partner-Partner Mentor/Mentee Siblings.

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  1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=epUk3T2Kfno

  2. Intimacy in Relationships Rich Wedemeyer, ODAPCA, 2012

  3. Types of Relationships Friends Teacher/Student Companions Acquaintances Parent-child Boss-worker Coworkers Organization-Member Husband-Wife / Partner-Partner Mentor/Mentee Siblings

  4. Intimacy: Closeness developed with mutual self-disclosure over time, sharing unique experiences, exercising interdependency, and expressing mutual affection

  5. Closeness Distance

  6. When “I” am More Important than “You” me you

  7. When “I” am more important than “You” • My needs get met; yours do not • My potential is more likely to be reached; yours less so • I feel powerful; you feel powerless • I will not understand when you eventually become exhausted, resentful, and want to leave

  8. In Ultimate Romantic Relationships: the “US” is More Important than Either “You” or “Me” us me you

  9. Balance

  10. Healthy relationships maintain a dynamic balance between the needs of the individuals in the relationship with the needs of the “US”

  11. Levels of Relationships

  12. Levels of Relationships Non-relationship: Casual communication Acquaintance: Casual Communication Companionship: Casual Communication, beginnings of self-disclosure Friendship: Casual, self-disclosure, trust, commitment Romance: Casual, self-disclosure, trust, commitment, sex

  13. Sex For Clients Commitment Trust Self-Disclosure Casual Communication

  14. Romance Friend Companion Acq. No Rel. Self- Disclosure Casual talk Trust Commit- ment Sex For Clients

  15. Sex For Clients Sex Commitment Trust Self-Disclosure Casual Communication

  16. Intimacy

  17. Mutual trust: building a sense of security Tenderness: gentle expressions of caring Acceptance: demonstrated approval Open communication: discuss anything Caring: concern for your partner’s well-being Managing boundaries: limits you place on behaviors Apologies: remedy for mistakes that partners inevitably make Forgiveness: letting go of anger, giving permission to have weaknesses

  18. "Forgiveness means giving up all hope for a better past." Lily Tomlin

  19. Trust

  20. Trust: Where it Comes From Roughly equal self-disclosure that deepens over time Consistency between words and actions Representing fact, disclosing relevant inner thoughts and feelings, not misleading Keeping information private

  21. The test: can you do or say what you are saying or doing in front of your partner? For Clients

  22. Commitment

  23. Commitment • An unwillingness to consider any other partner • Devotion to working through difficulties • Pledging to not bail when things get tough • Deciding to work for the relationship, not just for yourself

  24. Universal Fears

  25. Universal Fears Abandonment and Separation: failure of the relationship; being the one get that gets left; being alone Unworthiness : I am no good; no one who really knew me could love me; I am unacceptable Surrender and Trust: being engulfed; losing oneself

  26. Romance

  27. Why Do We Fall in Love? To fulfill primitive drives to mate and procreate To escape loneliness To be protected To reduce tension To increase our control To be financially more secure To reliably obtain sex

  28. What Love Might Provide Relationally Physical affection Sexual intimacy Respect Sharing activities, interests, and goals Spiritual consistency Power sharing Intimacy, trust, and commitment

  29. What is Love to you? exercise

  30. Love is… Not a single feeling A mental construct that varies significantly More demonstrable action than feeling Sometimes having to say your sorry

  31. For Clients “When your partner’s well-being, growth and development are as important to you as your own, you love them.”

  32. Kid’s Views of Love

  33. “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK." Danny, 7 "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." Karen, 7

  34. "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss." Emily, 8 "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen." Bobby, 7

  35. "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford." Chris, 7"Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day." Mary Ann, 4"I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.“ Lauren, 4

  36. Before Six Months

  37. The Course of Passion Infatuation: the hormone storm Fuels desire for sexual interaction and unification Similar to an addiction: causes a powerful craving Search for similarities/Differences set aside Often mistaken for love Fades in ~ 6 months or less Differences noted; you begin to “see” them Love has a chance to develop Passion comes alive periodically

  38. Creating Intimacy

  39. Do These Show interest Display affection Give compliments Demonstrate empathy

  40. Remind Yourself I fell in love with her/him because… I remember fondly… My partner is so wonderful about… My partner’s best qualities are… I like it when my partner…

  41. Asking Your Partner

  42. For Clients “This is important to me. Would you be willing to…?” “I would like us to… Would you do that with me? “How does that sound?” “Let’s figure out how to…” “I’m feeling overworked. Would you be willing to reorganize our tasks for now?”

  43. Relationship Killers

  44. Forcing Intimacy • Expecting Your Mate to Read Your Mind • Playing the Martyr • Thinking You are Always Right • Rescuing You Mate • Taking Your Mate for Granted • Letting Passion Die

  45. Normal Danger Partner gets angry/dismissive when you suggests closeness Fantasize a lot/can’t be excited by your partner unless you fantasize Stay angry and can’t forgive Constantly worry/compare partner to others Partner lied about something big Taking steps to leave /threatening to leave Partner asks for space You fantasize about others Partner makes you mad You doubt your love Your partner lied You want to run away

  46. "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross." Mark, 6

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