Courageous Conversations: Reflections on Challenging Work Interaction

1. COURAGEOUS CONVERSATIONS: When and Howfor the ANDSOOHA Public Health Nursing ManagementFacilitated by:Janet P. Schmidt

2. CASE STUDY Identify one particular challenging situation at work. Reflect on a recent unsatisfying conversation that you had with this person. Could be with a colleague, person who reports to you or someone who you report to.

3. CASE STUDY Reflection #1 • Share a ‘snap shot’ of the context, highlighting the one conversation • What did the other person do that was not helpful (be specific) i.e. raised voice, rolled eyes, said… You will be given 2 minutes each

4. What impact did the conversation have on you at the moment, that night, during the week….

6. CASE STUDY Reflection #2 Imagine that the other person is sitting in your place. How would they answer the following question: • What did you do in the conversation that was not helpful? Take 1 minutes each

7. Who started this situation? • Who has more organizational power? • For those of you with less organizational power, does power effect impact?

9. Mapping the Relationship Gather information Commitment Stability/Productivity Crunch Pinch Disruption of Expectations

10. Follow my instructions Be consulted on decisions that effect me Be spoken to with appropriate tone Be treated fairly More face time, less email Use my expertise Be informed about what is happening in organization Be respected Opportunities for advancement Enough time to complete tasks Be listened to Clear, timely feedback Be allowed to do tasks in my way More email

11. CASE STUDY Reflection #3 • Map out your relationship using the Relationship Map • Was the conversation a ‘pinch’ or a ‘crunch’? • What are the expectations that they are not meeting (pinches)? • What ‘paths’ have you explored on this map in your relationship to date? • Were there initial ‘pinches’ (early warning indicators) you experienced in the relationship? Take 3 minutes each

12. When someone does not meet your expectations (pinches) you can… • Let it go • Complain to someone else • Pinch back • Hold on to it • Crunch back • Talk about it

13. Three Steps to Creating a Culture When someone is not meeting your expectations and you stay silent…. • The first time you give consent • The second time you give permission • The third time you have lowered the standard.

15. EXPECTATIONS DISAPPOINTMENT = --------------------- REALITY

16. “The only real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes” By Marcel Proust

17. CASE STUDY Reflection #4 How have you made sense of why the person is not meeting expectations? What have you done to address the situation? Think of as many different strategies as you can remember that you have used over time. (pinch options)

18. Public Private Intent Meaning Making Action Words – 7% Tone – 38% Body Language – 55% TOTAL -100% Effect

19. Utube Clips: The Hospital Incident http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItG-U8OpVz4 The Surprise Dinner http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaP0aIsSINo

21. How we make meaning…. Edward Muzio on The Ladder of Inference Creates Bad Judgement http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9nFhs5W8o8

23. Meaning Making… We are meaning making people. We are constantly creating stories about the motivations and intentions of other people (and they are doing the same). We quickly believe our stories to be true and repeat them in our heads and to our closest colleagues, not to mention our friends and family members.

24. The Problem…. All too often we analyze the situation, carefully considering why they are behaving in that way. Ultimately we come up with some theory that we believe to be true and often our own actions make it true and make it worse. The Reality: What you believe will greatly impact what you do and how you will do it.

25. George Zimmerman – self appointed neighbourhood watch captain, focused on law and order Trayvon Martins – walking home with a hoody

26. A question that opens the possibilities….. Why would a reasonable, rational person do this? Albeit it imperfect….

27. SURVEY OF 64,000 WORKERS WILLING NOT WILLING Employees were unclear about supervisors expectations and have insufficient support to accomplish those expectations– 89% Employees understand supervisors expectations but are not committed to accomplishing them – 1% ABLE Employees have in- adequate knowledge or skill – 9.5% Employees are incapable of learning to achieve or physically incapable of achieving expectation - .5% UNKNOWN – likely a small percentage of above NOT ABLE

28. Partnering with Employees: A Practical System for Building Empowered Relationships by Duke Nielsen Jossey Bass, 1993

29. CASE STUDY Reflection #5 How have you made sense of why the person is doing what they are doing? What thoughts have you had about the other person recently? How has your behaviour changed towards that person? What have you noticed? What may be happening that you are not noticing?

30. Speculate on a reason that is more positive? A possibility that makes them reasonable and rationale with positive intent.

31. The Set-Up-To-Fail Syndromeby Jean-Francois Manzoni and Jeau-Louis Barsoux, HBR, 1998 “an employee’s poor performance can be blamed largely on his boss.” “The Pygmalion effect is when individual lives up to great expectations.” “Set-up-to-fail syndrome explains the opposite.”

34. “a dynamic that usually creeps up on the boss and the subordinate until suddenly both of them realize that the relationship has gone sour.”

35. “…up to 90% of all managers treat some subordinates as though they were members of an in-group, while they consign others to membership in an out-group.”

36. “We judge ourselves by our intentions. Others judge us by the impact/effect of our actions.” - A client at end of mediation process

37. Setting Clear Expectations….

38. The Perspective Check Gather Information Commitment Stability/Productivity Pinch

39. Perception Check Preparation: • Observe behaviour • Identify and suspend judgment; put your parrot in your pocket (you might be right you might be wrong, I don’t know) • Become curious; of other’s intent • Become calm; wait until your emotions have gone to neutral

40. The Perspective Check 1. Introduce the conversation “Do you have a minute, I want to check something with you” 2. Name the action (pause momentarily) “I noticed that you interrupted Joan a number of times during the meeting.” 3. Invite the person to clarify their understanding. “What was going on for you?” OR “Are you aware of the policy?” Clarify the Expectation Problem solve (if necessary) End Conversation

41. Private Public Requesting a Different Action Intent Make Meaning Action Words – 7% Tone – 38% Body Language – 55% Effect

42. FEEDBACK Traditionalist – “No news is good news” Baby Boomer – “ Feedback once a year, with lots of documentation!” Gen Xer’s – “Sorry to interrupt, but how am I doing” Millennials – “Feedback whenever I want it at the push of a button.”

43. “The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has been accomplished.” George Bernard Shaw

44. Frequent Strategies… • hope it goes away or • trust that they will figure it out. The Problem: It often doesn’t resolve itself, and they interpret your silence as endorsement/ agreement.

45. OR…. 3) Wait until you are frustrated and then talk to the person. The Problem: Your frustration will invariably impact your delivery. The end result is that you will come across stronger than you think and people will be hurt, embarrassed, defensive, etc. and will either shut down (flight) or power up (fight).

46. OR 4) Give them subtle messages like look away when they are doing something displeasing or not be as friendly, so they can self correct. The Problem: Often people don’t know what they are doing that needs to change and will interpret your distancing as disrespectful or that you don’t care about them.

47. Social Discipline Window HIGH WITH Accountability TO Punitive Control (progressive discipline) Neglectful Not Permissive For Adapted by Janet Schmidt from Ted Wachtel (1999, February). Restorative Justice in Everyday Life: Beyond the Formal Ritual. HIGH LOW Support (encouragement, nurture)

48. Views on Discipline Identify a recent time when you used each of the strategies (neglectful, permissive, accountability, punitive) Are there certain strategies that you gravitate towards? What are your beliefs and values that support your preferred discipline strategies. Are they the same or different than those that raised you or taught you?

49. Punishment Approach An offence is viewed as a violation of the institution (state, school, workplace, association) defined by rule breaking and guilt. Justice determines blame and administers pain in a contest between the offending party and the institution generally directed by systematic rules. Typical Questions: • What rule has been broken? • Who is to blame? • What do they deserve?

50. Participatory Approach An offence is a violation of people and relationships. It creates obligations to make things right. Justice involves the person that has been hurt, the offending party, and the community in a search for solutions which promote repair, reconciliation, and reassurance that the situation will not occur. Typical Questions: • Who has been hurt? • What are their needs? • Who is obligated to address these needs?