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Chapter Seven

Love & Intimacy. Chapter Seven. Agenda. Review Theories of Love Discuss Connection Between Love & Sex in Intimate Relationships. Class Exercise: Stereotypes and Intimacy. We will view a video clip from the movie “What Women Want”

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Chapter Seven

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  1. Love & Intimacy Chapter Seven

  2. Agenda • Review Theories of Love • Discuss Connection Between Love & Sex in Intimate Relationships

  3. Class Exercise:Stereotypes and Intimacy • We will view a video clip from the movie “What Women Want” • What are the stereotypes associated with men/masculinity and women/femininity. • How do these stereotypes influence intimacy?

  4. Cultural Definitions of Love

  5. The Forms and Origin of Love • Romantic love – passionate love that includes sexual desire, physical attraction, and elation • We tend to idealize our romantic partner • Companionate love (conjugal love) – deep affection, attachment, intimacy, trust, loyalty

  6. Colors of Love (Lee) Love Triangles (Sternberg) Can We Measure Love? Conceptualizations of Love

  7. (Lee, 1974, 1998) Colors of Love

  8. Colors of Love • Based on research • Six basic ways (“colors”) to love • Love styles are independent • Lovers with compatible love styles will be happier with each other than incompatible styles

  9. Six Contemporary Love Styles(based on the work of Lee, 1973) • Eros (sounds like "air-ohs"): "characterized by intense emotional attachment and powerful sexual feelings or desires" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92). Sustained relationships are typified by "continued active interest in sexual and emotional fulfillment, plus the development of intellectual rapport" Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92; emphasis added). • Storge (sounds like "store-gay"): "an affectionate, companionate style of loving. This love focuses on deepening mutual commitment, respect, and friendship over time" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92). Continued …

  10. Love Styles • Pragma: "emphasizes the practical element in human relationships, particularly in marriages. Pragmatics love involves rational assessment of a potential partner's assets and liabilities" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92). • Agape: altruistic love. It "emphasizes unselfish concern for the beloved's needs even when that means some personal sacrifice. . . . [it also] emphasizes nurturing others with little conscious desire for return other than the intrinsic satisfaction of having loved and cared for someone else" (Lamanna & Riedmann, 1991, p. 92-93). Continued …

  11. Love Styles • Ludus (sounds like "lewd-us"): emphasizes the recreational aspect of sexuality and sensual pleasures. It may be part of a more committed relationship based on other loves styles, too. • Mania: based on strong sexual attraction and emotional intensity, but a manic partner is extremely jealous, moody, and her/his need for attention is insatiable.

  12. Colors of Love • Manic and ludic – poorer psychological health • Storge and eros – higher psychological health • Gender Differences: • Men – more socially acceptable to have eros or ludus styles; less to have agape; more likely to have ludic style • Women – more socially acceptable to have agape; less to have ludus; more likely to have pragmatic style

  13. (Sternberg, 1998, 1999) Love “Triangles”

  14. Love Triangles • Love is three elements that can be combined to produce 7 different types of love • Three basic elements: • Passion – sexual desire and physical attraction; part of romantic love • Intimacy – connection and feelings of closeness; an emotional investment • Commitment – to love in the short term; to maintain that love in the long term

  15. Love Triangles (Sternberg, 1998, 1999) • Love changes as we mature • Different forms of love may be experienced within the same couple throughout time

  16. Can We Measure Love?

  17. Can We Measure Love? • Scales have been developed to measure love • Measure something strongly associated with love • Attachment (Rubin, 1970, 1973) • Measure aspects of relationships • Relationship Rating Scale • Passionate Love Scale • Most scales measure romantic, not companionate, love

  18. Behavioral Reinforcement Theories Cognitive Theories Physiological Arousal Theories Evolutionary Theories Theories of Love

  19. Class Exercise • Is love essential for emotional survival? • What are the characteristics of a truly loving relationship? • How do you recognize love? • Is it possible to love more than one person in a lifetime? More than one person at a time?

  20. Behavioral Reinforcement Theories • We love because another person reinforces positive feelings in ourselves • Positive/rewarding feeling in the presence of another makes us like them, even if the reward is unrelated to that person • Love is a result of many mutually reinforcing activities with a person

  21. Cognitive Theories • A behavior occurs, and then we interpret it as love • If we think someone likes us, we are more prone to find them attractive

  22. Physiological Arousal Theories • Physiological arousal is labeled with an emotion, such as love • We are more likely to experience love when we are physiologically aroused for any reason • Shaky bridge study (Dutton & Aron, 1974) • Male participants on a “scary” bridge were more likely than males on a “safe” bridge to call a female they met on the bridge • Arousal is not crucial for an emotional state

  23. Evolutionary Theories • Humans have 3 basic instincts: • Need for protection • Parent protects the child • Sexual drive • We love in order to produce offspring • Heterosexual men want healthy women to carry offspring • Heterosexual women want men with resources to care for her and the offspring

  24. Love becomes more complex as we age Love Across the Lifespan

  25. Childhood • Attachment to the caregiver can affect attachment throughout life • The love of mother and father are important • May be harder to be intimate with another as an adult if it was not experienced as a child • Three attachment types: • Secure – accepts caregiver leaving • Anxious/ambivalent – panic if left alone • Avoidant – caregiver forces parting early

  26. Childhood • Parental divorce is related to lower levels of trust a young adult (particularly female) experiences in intimate relationships

  27. Adolescence • Time to learn how to love, manage emotions • Creates a foundation for adult relationships • Role repertoire – varied ways to relate with others • Intimacy repertoire – collection of behaviors used to create intimate relationships in life • Usually begin with an unattainable crush; romantic love more likely if parents’ relationship is stable, at ease with own body

  28. Adult Love and Intimacy • Factors that increase attraction • Proximity – people you know or see often • Similarity – background, values, attitudes • Physical Attraction – “matching hypothesis” • Personality – openness, sociability, humor • Economic Resources – especially in men • Mutual Attraction and Love • Ideal qualities are consistent across gender, culture, and sexual orientation

  29. Attraction in Different Cultures • Study comparing 37 cultures (Buss, 1989) • Men valued “good looks” in their partner • Women valued “good financial prospect” in their partner • Men preferred younger partners • Women preferred older partners

  30. Love, Sex, and Intimacy

  31. Intimate Relationships • Self-disclosure is important • Those who value intimacy tend to be more trusting, concerned for others, disclose more, have more positive thoughts about others, are perceived as more likable, smile, laugh, make more eye contact, and enjoy marriage more

  32. Male and Female Styles of Intimacy • Culturally transmitted gender roles may be the largest factor in affecting style of intimacy • Men are inhibited from expressing intimacy, or maybe they just do it differently than women, such as through behavior • Gay men are more likely to believe in the importance of sharing intimacy with a romantic partner than heterosexual men

  33. Intimacy in Different Cultures • Culture seems to be more influential than gender in love and intimacy style • Individualistic vs. Collectivistic cultures • Strength of stereotypical gender roles affects level of intimacy; the stronger the stereotype, the less attached couples are • Western countries rate love as highly important, less developed Asian countries rated love the lowest

  34. Long-Term Love and Commitment • Effort and commitment are required to maintain a relationship • Women feel lonely in a marriage that has less liking, marital satisfaction, self-disclosure, and love • Men feel lonely in a marriage that has less intimacy, liking, and communication

  35. Love and Sex • Initial attraction increases intimacy: more eye contact, more touches • Body language reveals attraction, and the female typically starts • Initially it is contact and conversation with bodies turned toward each other, followed by tentative touches that increase in duration and intimacy, then “full body synchronization” • Higher sexual desire, less unfaithful thoughts

  36. Developing Intimacy Skills • Self-love – being at ease with ourselves, both the positive and negative qualities • Receptivity – shows others we are open to communication, approachable • Listening – provide full attention • Affection – warmth and security with others • Trust – a requirement that develops slowly • Respect – acknowledge and understand another’s needs; don’t have to share them

  37. Jealousy Compulsiveness Possessiveness The Dark Side of Love

  38. Class Exercise • A college couple who live together have been having increased arguments. • One partner wants the other to grow up and act mature. • In return, the other suggests that they need to have more fun in their relationship. • What advice would you give them? • What are the short- and long-term prospects for this couple?

  39. Jealousy • Interpretation and emotional reaction that a relationship is threatened • Most jealous if the person we believe is threatening the relationship has qualities we want ourselves • More common with low self-esteem

  40. Jealousy • Men more jealous of a female’s sexual infidelity • Women more jealous of a male’s emotional infidelity • Both genders more threatened by sexual infidelity in short-term relationships • Both genders more threatened by emotional infidelity in long-term relationships

  41. Jealousy • Male heterosexuals more jealous of male-female sexual infidelity • Heterosexual women more jealous of male-male sexual infidelity • Much unknown about homosexual infidelity • Jealousy is in all cultures, although the reasons may vary • Jealousy shows a lack of trust & self-esteem

  42. Compulsiveness • Love releases phenylethylamine (also in chocolate), which produces feelings of euphoria and love addiction • Society and media reinforces the “need” to be in love and may be carried over from adolescence without maturing

  43. Possessiveness • Trying to manipulate the partner in attempts to feel worthy • Is a sign of low self-esteem and can lead to stalking • May require help from a mental health professional

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