Adoption Through the Eyes of Children: A developmental perspective

1. Adoption Through the Eyes of Children: A developmental perspective Debbie Riley, LCMFT Chief Executive Officer Center for Adoption Support and Education www.adoptionsupport.org

2. Center for Adoption Support and Education, Inc. a non-profit adoptive family support center, since 1998 With decades of experience, our mission is to strengthen the well-being of children and families of all adoptive experiences by providing them the adoption-centered services and resources they need, including: • Pre- and post-adoption counseling, assessment and therapeutic services • Individual and group therapy for kids, teens and adults • Crisis intervention, support and assistance with school issues • Training, education & interactive workshops – for families, educators and professionals • Nationally recognized post-adoption models • TAC: Training for Adoption Competency • Our newest Game: 52 Ways to Talk about Adoption • Award-winning print publications, articles, newsletters and online resources For more information, visit www.adoptionsupport.org

3. Some common misperceptions or myths about adoption • Adoption is second best • Birthparents are irresponsible • You can’t really love a child who isn’t biologically related to you • Adoption is “the easy way” • Adoptees are “lucky” • Adoptees who search don’t really love their adoptive parents • Adoptees have more emotional problems than other people

4. Understanding and adjustment to adoption is influenced by: • The child’s emerging cognitive capacity • Developing coping skills • Opportunities to communicate about their thoughts and feelings

5. Communication is key to promoting wellness in adoption

6. But we now know . . . • Communicating about adoption is key to adoption adjustment • Adoption transposes adopted persons from one location in the human mosaic to a totally new configuration. • Adoption is not pathological . . . Rather issues associated with adoption evolve logically out of the nature of adoption itself.

7. AGES 0-4 Adopted child does not realize differences between self and non-adopted children

8. THEY MAY FEEL: The adoption story is special and makes them feel good Everyone is adopted They may feel confused or fearful of memories

10. They are likely to be aware that… • They do not look just like their parents, as some children do • People often remark or ask questions about their family • Part of their early life was in a different place or they were with people who are not their parents today • Some may have confused—and maybe sad or scary– memories or emotions because of their early years. For most young children, these are only facts of their life. These facts usually do not reflect negatively on how children feel day to day, especially if those around them make them feel safe, secure, and loved.

11. AGES 5-6 Child asks a lot of questions. Loves to hear adoption story but has little understanding of concepts.

12. THEY MAY FEEL: • Inquisitive about the birthing experience • Comfortable saying that they are adopted • They have physical and racial differences from their parents

13. “My first family could not take care of me and I got adopted.”

14. AGES 6-11 Child understands basic concept of adoption. Realizes that he lost something in order to be adopted, begins feelings of LOSS and GRIEF.

15. THEY MAY FEEL: • “Not everyone is adopted like me.” • Mixed emotions of sadness, happiness, confusion. • Persistent question inside: “Why was I adopted?”

16. Adoptive loss creates a theme in adoptee’s development They may have lost . . . Culture and traditions Language Religion Racial connections Siblings Medical information Birth legend and birth order Genealogical continuity

17. “Being adopted is like being a puzzle-with a missing piece.”

18. Grief Adoptees placed as infants can’t grieve for his/her loss until he develops an internal mental representation of what he/she has lost (a fantasy parent)

19. Children at this age may spend a lot of time wondering about their adoption story. Feelings of sadness, confusion, and worry may be kept inside.

20. You get your “everyday” love from your adoptive parents, way deep down inside love from your birth parents. Birth parents love you in the beginning forever and then they put you in the care of your adoptive parents who love you. -Jeffrey, age 10

21. Adopted children have many questions inside . . . Why did my birth mother leave me? Where is she now? Is she OK? What will I look like when I grow up? Was my birth father a good person? Do I have any siblings?

22. Birth to 4 years old ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED Feels OK about adoption and thinks story Feels OK about adoption and thinks story is special. story.

23. 5-6 years old ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED Likes adoption story, but does not understand concepts of adoption. Feels some differences, and wonders about it when it comes up – especially if in multicultural family. Does not understand adoption and often asks simple questions to learn more. Accepts adoption as a way to form a family.

24. 7-11 years old ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED Child understands basic concepts Does not understand adoption of adoption. concepts, but begins to sense that it is when parents “give away” child (adoption may seem sad, confusing, scary) Begins grieving process Reaction to adopted peers may stop asking questions/denial may be based on information Realizes lost something in order from adults (if any) or media  to be adopted “Not everyone is adopted like me” “Not everyone is adopted like he is”

25. 7-11 years old ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED “Why was I adopted?” “Why was she adopted?” “Why didn’t they keep me?” “Could my parents give me away?” “Did I do something wrong?” “I’m glad I am not adopted.” Increasing interest in birth parents “Adoption is OK because I like you” or Adoption is NOT OK because I don’t like you” Fantasies about living with different Fantasies about living with different parents different parents

26. Adolescence

27. 3 Stages of Adolescence

28. I. Early (11-13 yrs.) • First attempts to establish distinct identity • Begins separating emotionally from family • At age 13, begins the ability to think abstractly, and to manipulate and explore ideas.

29. II. Middle (14-16 yrs.) Practice intimacy Consolidation of one’s sense of self

30. III. Late (17-19 yrs.) Thoughts and feelings focus on how teen will leave home and separate from family in a healthy way

31. "WHOAMI?" • Teenagers’ task is to form an identity • IDENTITY = values, beliefs, capabilities, talents, intellectual capabilities, sexual self-image, personality traits, racial and ethnic heritage, personal expectations, and physical characteristics

32. Teens Develop a Sense of Who They Are By: • Seeing how they are similar to their families • Seeing how they are different from their families • Discovering how others see them • Combining aspects of themselves from their past, present and future dreams

33. “What’s it LIKE to be adopted?” Some responses from teen adoptees Different

34. 12-14 years old ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED Anger stage of grieving and dev’l stage Anger stage of dev’l stage May resist authority, try on new identities May resist authority, try on new identities Begins separating from 2 sets of parents Begins separating from 1 set of parents May be angry over loss of control over Wants more control in life adoption decisions, wants more control in life Growing sense of self: identity issues Growing sense of self: identity issues

35. 12-14 years old ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED  More complex reasoning about Sees many differences about adoption adoptive families and needs to look at grays rather than black and white. Oversimplifies how adoption occurs and does not understand emotional issues Rejects kids who are different Rejects kids who are different Generally does not talk about being May be negative about what an adoptee he/she perceives what adoption reflects about adoptees What does sex have to do with What does sex have to do with adoption? adoption?

36. 15-17 years old ADOPTEE CHILD WHO IS NOT ADOPTED Separates from 2 sets of parents Separates from 1 set of parents Has second layer of concerns about May face concerns about leaving home leaving home, but usually feels secure about his/her permanency