Love, Sex , and Relationships: Expectations and Reality

1. Love, Sex, and Relationships:Expectations and Reality Presented by: William Berry, LMHC, CAP

2. What is Love? An Amazon search in “Books” for Love brought 258,699 results… An Amazon search for Psychology and Love brought 10, 787 results… In other words, there are a lot of ways to describeand explain the enigma of Love.

3. Love What the world generally refers to as love is an intense emotionality combining physical attraction, possessiveness, control, addiction, eroticism, and novelty. David R. Hawkins Power Vs Force, pg71.

4. Love Love doesn't make the world go 'round; love is what makes the ride worthwhile. Franklin P. Jones Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Aristotle Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own. Robert Heinlein

5. What is Love One description of Love is that it is both a Feeling & Behavior

6. Love Feeling: The excited experience to see the individual of our longing, to be close to them, a missing when they aren’t there for a time, and most importantly, the desire for them to be happy in their life.

7. Love Behavior: Love is demonstrated: we behave in a fashion congruent with the meaning of love, with how one would be expected to behave if the object of their behavior is loved. Non- violent, supportive of growth, supportive of the person finding happiness.

8. Love

9. Love in the Air (Music) • Wreckless Eric- Whole Wide World When I was a young boy, My mama said to me, There's only one girl in the world for you, And she probably lives in Tahiti I'd go the whole wide world, I'd go the whole wide world, Just to find her Or maybe she's in the Bahamas, Where the Caribbean sea is blue, Weeping in a tropical moonlit night, Because nobody's told her 'bout you

10. Love in the Air (Music) • Beginners Luck- The Eels All my life I had this funny little feeling, Came and went time and again in all my daily dealings, Call it a deficit, an emptiness inside Why is true love hard to find, why does true love hide? But now I found you and I know that we would be So very happy if you could only see That I was made for you and you were made for me

11. Love in the Air (Music) • Edge of Desire- John Mayer love is really nothing, but a dream that keeps waking me, for all of my trying, we still end up dying,how can it be? don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me, cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see. I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe. there I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

12. Love in the Air (Music) • Jackie Wants a Black Eye- Dr. Dog And we've been hurting so long, That our pleasure is our pain, Are we madly in love, Or are we madly insane? Yesterday's love defines you, And today that love is gone, Tomorrow keeps you guessing, The roller coaster is rolling on And we're all in it together now, As we all fall apart, And we're swapping little pieces, Of our broken little hearts

13. Love in the Air (Music) • Run Right Back- The Black Keys Finest exterior, She's so superior, Ohh, But she won't allow, And I want it now She's the worst thing I've been addicted to Still I run right back, Run right back to her Yeah, I jumped the track, And I run right back I'm sure, I run right back to her

14. Love in the Air (Music) • Love The Way You Lie-Eminem (feat Rihanna) You ever love somebody so much, you could barely breathe when you with 'em? You meet, and neither one of you even know it hit 'em Got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills used to get 'em Now you gettin' fuckin' sick of lookin' at 'em You swore you'd never hit 'em, never do nothing to hurt 'em Now you're in each other's face spewing venom in your words when you spit 'em You push, pull each other's hair, scratch, claw, bit 'em Throw 'em down, pin 'em, so lost in the moments when you're with 'em

15. Sex • Do I really need to define sex? • For our purposes, sex is the carnal act of sexual arousal engaged in with another individual.

16. Sex • Most men I’ve encountered (friends, colleagues, clients) believe they are good lovers. • The majority of females I’ve encountered, disagree that most men are good lovers.

17. Sex • So… • Either there are delusions occurring, • Or sexual communication seems to be an issue. • Or, all my friends and colleagues are good lovers, and the bad lovers are out there somewhere…

18. Making Love An act of sexual contact between two individuals with the hope of expressing a deep affection for one another.

19. Making the Most Of a Sexual Relationship • Communication about sex is important. • Women should not fake orgasms, and both parties should be honest about likes and dislikes in their sexual life with their partner. • A combination of making love and whatever each couple defines as “freaky” sex should be included in their sexual life • No one wants to make love every time, and at the same time tenderness should not be neglected.

20. Making the Most Of a Sexual Relationship • Although communication about sex is important, increasing the level drastically is not recommended. • For example, if currently your communication is limited to “that feels good”, you won’t want to jump right into your wildest fantasy: “Hun, I’ve been considering spicing up our sex life. I want to bring in some aborigine naked pygmy men and women dressed as school children.”

21. Making the Most Of a Sexual Relationship • Care should be taken so that sex does not become too routine. • Couples should take time to really “Be” with each other, both personally and sexually. • Sex can be viewed anew periodically; things can be changed up • Perhaps the couple can discuss taking a short hiatus from sex so the desire can increase.

22. Sex • Men have long been portrayed (as in the video) as desirous of sex while women are more passive • This is changing, and women are more in touch with their sexuality. • In fact, many of the women I’ve seen in counseling complain of not getting enough sex (or any) from their lovers!

23. Sex • At least one possible explanation is that after a man has been with a woman for a period of time, he becomes less desirous of sexual activity. • On the other hand, as a woman becomes more attached as their time together increases, she therefore becomes more desirous of sexual activity. • For many men, sex is more of an act for pleasure, where for women it is a demonstration of affection and intimacy.

24. Relationships

25. Relationships • The Elements of Attraction • Proximity • Those similar to us • Projection • Believing our desired one carries the traits we want • Bargaining (someone in your league)

26. Relationships • The role of sex in attraction, although discussed in early psychological theories, is underestimated. • People prefer to believe in mystical reasons for their attraction than their more base drives.

27. Attraction • Early childhood relationships • Attachment Style • Secure • Anxious • Avoidant • Influences how we behave in relationships. • Although often consistent over relationships, it can change in regard to the power differential in the relationship.

28. Attraction • Memory, Familiarity, and its impact on picking a partner (A General Theory of Love) • Alcohol issues, abusive partners • How this attraction can be counterproductive • “Crazy” in love • A recent longitudinal study supports this theory and that of attachment style, indicating that early childhood relationships affect who we are attracted to and how we behave

29. Relationships • Drama: • Many say they want a drama free relationship, yet their behavior demonstrates otherwise. • They become bored in healthy, stable relationships. • They may cheat: • To bring excitement • Because they want the passion that comes with a new relationship. • They may report not being “in love” with their partner anymore.

30. Relationships • The Real Reason Many Get Married: • Possession • To be a Princess or Prince for a Day • Cultural Influences • We are programmed from an early age to believe marriage is the norm, a way to happiness, an expectation. • It has almost become a competition • Bigger diamonds, weddings, etc.

31. Relationships • Companionship • Life partner • Someone to make life easier, to travel with us • This is at least beneficial to men: • Statistics indicate men live longer when married.

32. Relationships • Compensation • Many believe opposites attract • Although we tend to marry those similar to us… • Often personality traits are opposed • This can help bring one into a more balanced personality.

33. Soul Mates Our survey from one year ago indicates approximately 75% of those surveyed (the largest population was female college students) believe in the idea of a Soul Mate.

34. Soul Mates • This can lead to unrealistic expectations, including the expectation of a “super relationship”.

35. Making Relationships Work • Understand some of the differences between men and women. • Empathy versus Solution focus • Have realistic expectations for the relationship and your partner. • Remain Present in the relationship. • Avoid falling into parental roles.

37. Making Relationships Work • Be honest in your relationship • Full disclosure may not be necessary, but honesty is imperative to a healthy ongoing relationship. • Secrets kill relationships • Do not become too secure • Security can lead to taking another for granted. • If you remain mildly anxious about the state of your relationship, you will work harder at it.

38. Making Relationships Work • Commit to working on things. • Our culture has led to an emphasis on immediate gratification. • Relationships have ups and downs, but some bail when the relationship is in a down. • Relationships take work, and patience. If you want a relationship to last you must commit to working on it.

39. The Blurry Line of Love • Where does acting out of Love end, and being a sucker begin? • Do many in this culture even know what Love, in the romantic sense, means? • How do we balance the complete idea of Love, with the independence and ego ideal we also desire?

40. A Few More Words on Love • May discussed there being four types of love, and happy relationship being based on all four: • Sex, Eros, Philia, and Agape • But few are able to attain and maintain this.

41. LOVE AGAPE / METTA No Ego ROMANTIC LOVE desires to Possess & Defend

42. A Few More Words on Love & Relationships… • Ego versus Agape / Metta Love • Our ego allows us to function in reality • Our experiences, culture, exposure to the “stories” of love, are part of our ego, and color our idea of what we deserve. • These forces struggle against our natural desire to love purely

43. A Few More Words on Love & Relationships… • Our selfish desires… • To be cared for as much as we believe we should be • To get what we want • To be the most important thing in our others life • Our insecurities • Our fear of being made a fool of • All get in the way of what love can really be. • We have to learn to balance these conflicting desires for ego fulfillment and for agape love

44. To Sum Up • There is a lot of information out there on Love and Relationships (and Sex, but we aren’t talking about that)… • If I had to choose the most important point it would be that everyone is different, and you have to work at it. • I’ve said a lot. Some you may have related to, and some you may find just coming from a cynical old man who has had too many failed relationships.

45. To Sum Up • But remember all relationships take work. • And although you may want to cling to your old beliefs and discard some of what was presented, it may serve you better to alter your expectations, suspend your “story” and try to look at things objectively.

46. Love Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take." ~ Anthony Robbins

47. Love Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. AnaisNin

48. More Sexy Rumpus