Developmentally Appropriate Positive Discipline Strategies for Preschoolers

1. Developmentally Appropriate Positive Discipline Strategies for Preschoolers Wanda Bruce, Ed.S., Special Ed., M.S. Early Childhood Ed.

2. Positive Discipline • Guidance and discipline* of children is an on-going process that embraces everything you do with children. (*Discipline comes from the word disciple, meaning “to teach”.) • Learning self-control and how to get along with others is part of growing up. • There is no one way to discipline. An approach that is successful in one situation may not work in another. Also, different children respond in different ways to disciplining methods. • There is a need for a variety of approaches to deal with behavioral problems. • An understanding of child development and guidance techniques provide the basis for effective discipline.

3. Childhood Development – Ages and Stages • An understanding of child development can help a parent understand their child’s needs at various ages. • Erik Erikson’s Stages of Development* • Infancy (birth-18 months) - Trust vs. Mistrust • Children develop a sense of trust when caregivers provide reliability, care, and affection. A lack of reliability, care, and affection will lead to mistrust. When crying, are the child’s needs met in timely fashion? • Early Childhood (2-3 years) – Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt • Children need to develop a sense of personal control over physical skills and a sense of independence. Success leads to feelings of autonomy, failure results in feelings of shame and doubt. Toilet-training is the primary developmental event of this stage. • Preschool (3-5 years) - Initiative vs. Guilt • Children need to begin to assert control and power over the environment. Success in this stage leads to a sense of purpose. Children who try to exert too much power experience disapproval, resulting in a sense of guilt. * There are 8 stages in Erikson’s Stages of Development. We are looking at the early years in this training. See Handout for more information on other ages/stages.

4. Developmental Milestones An understanding of developmental milestones can help to provide age appropriate expectations for your child at various ages. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have Developmental Milestone checklists for ages 2 months-5 years. http://www.cdc.gov/NCBDDD/actearly/milestones/index.html

5. The Importance of Sleep • Children need sleep to recharge their batteries. • In his book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Marc Weissbluth, MD, provides insight on the functions of sleep: "Sleep is the power source that keeps your mind alert and calm. Every night and at every nap, sleep recharges the brain's battery. Sleeping well increases brainpower just as weight lifting builds stronger muscles, because sleeping well increases your attention span and allows you to be physically relaxed and mentally alert at the same time. Then you are at your personal best.“ • Shorter sleep duration is associated with more behavioral problems in children.Guidelines for sleep: 1-3 years olds need 13-14 hours/day 3-6 years olds need 10.5-12 hours/day 7-12 year olds need 10-11 hours/day 13-18 year olds need 8.5 -9.5 hours/day

6. Five Facts Every Family Should Know • All behavior is a form of communication • There is always a reason for problem behavior • Seeking attention or something he/she wants • Escaping demands or activities • Gaining sensory pleasure • There can be many reasons behind one specific behavior • Hungry, tired, hurt, scared, bored, sad, angry, etc. • Sensory – enjoy the physical sensation of pushing/pulling • Feeling out of control and taking inappropriate action over what they do control • Adults can learn to understand and interpret children's challenging behavior • Children need the consistency of reliable and loving adults to help the child learn how to handle growing up in a world where conflict is a fact of life • It is important to find meaning in children’s behavior • Children's challenging behavior can be reduced with support, not punishment. • When children feel respected and have their needs met they have less need for using challenging behavior to communicate. • When adults help children find positive ways to communicate their needs to others, children learn important social and problem-solving skills that will help them throughout their life.

7. Guidance and Discipline Techniques • Set up a safe environment • Childproof your home for anything that might be dangerous to children or that they might break easily • Take a close look at your toys to make sure they are age appropriate and, especially when playing alone, ones that require less supervision • Provide a variety of toys or materials to play with. Have enough paper to draw on, materials to sort, trade, share. • A safe place to play and appropriate toys to play with can save you from saying “No” often and make your day easier. • Establish a predictable routine • Young children need a CONSISTENT routine and schedule. It helps them feel safer • Establish consistent time for eating, napping, and playing. It helps children learn how to pace themselves • Balance active and quiet time and group time with time to be alone • Taking care of basic needs (hunger, rest, attention) can help prevent a situation with a cranky and whiny child.

8. Guidance and Discipline Techniques • Set a good example • Young children love to imitate adults. • If you want your child to treat others kindly or have good eating habits, be sure to demonstrate how to do it • Talk about what you do and explain things in simple terms • Use Praise • Effective praise encourages learning, independence, and strong self-esteem in children. • Be more of a coach than a cheerleader • A coach uses specific praise to teach and instill self-worth • Ex.: “This painting really glows with color. You used blue, green, red, yellow, and orange. Tell me how you did this!” (rather than “Good job!”)

9. Guidance and Discipline Techniques • Remove or Isolate/Time out • Remove or Isolate a child when the child is in danger to keep him safe • Time out is a “cooling off” period • Used to help child regain control • No more than 1 minute/age of child • Take time to explain what happened, what they should not be doing, and what they can do instead – Keep it simple! • If possible, provide opportunity to practice correct behavior • Natural and Logical Consequences • Helps the child see the connection between their actions and the results of their behavior • Examples of natural or logical consequences • Consequence of refusing to eat is hunger • Consequence of dropping cookie in bathtub is it will get soggy. • Child throws muffin across the kitchen. The parent picks up the muffin and calmly puts it in the trash. The child goes without a snack. • Child refuses to clean up after a preferred activity such as puzzles. The parent decides to give the puzzles a “vacation” and puts the puzzles away in the storage closet for a day and comments “When you can show me you are willing to clean up, I’ll bring the puzzles back out.”

10. Guidance and Discipline Techniques • Active Listening • Sometimes preschoolers do not need an adult to intervene; rather someone who will listen and help them work through a problem. Young children have limited problem-solving skills and need help to develop these skills • With active listening, the adult does not try to end the conversation; instead encourages it. With time and support, the child is able to explore the situation, understand the problem, and sometimes offer a solution. • Example: Child: “John won’t let me ride in the wagon!” Caregiver: “Sounds like you are upset about that.” Child: “Yeah, he’s mean!” Caregiver: “Hmm” Child: “I had the wagon first!” Caregiver:“You were playing with it before John was?” Child: “Yeah, then he took it away.” Caregiver: “Hmm. Wonder why?” Child: “I don’t know. I guess he got mad because I wouldn’t let him play. Caregiver:“Wonder how both of you could play with the wagon?” Child: “Maybe John could ride and I could pull!”

11. Guidance and Discipline Techniques • Distract • When a child is doing something unacceptable, try to call attention to another activity – playing with another toy or reading a book together • A frustrated or cranky child can often be distracted with a song or finger play • Since young children’s attention spans are short, distraction is often effective. • Redirect • Sometimes the problem is not what the child is doing as much as how he/she is doing it. • If a child is drawing on a book, take the book away and say “Books are not for drawing on”. At the same time, substitute an appropriate material saying “If you want to draw on something, draw on this paper.” Or if the child is throwing blocks, remove the blocks and provide a ball for the child to throw. • Ignore • Behavior that is not harmful to the child or others can be ignored. The goal is to have the child stop the undesirable behavior by not paying attention to it. Without the attention, the child eventually quits whatever he/she was doing. • This works best with behaviors that are attention-seeking • Like gasoline to a flame, attention-seeking behaviors that do not get the attention being sought tend to extinguish themselves • Catch them being good! • This is especially important following active ignoring of behavior

12. Guidance and Discipline Techniques • Rewards • It is more effective to reward good behavior than correct bad behavior • A reward or “positive reinforcement” refers to positive ways adults can respond when children behave in desirable ways. Positively rewarded behavior is usually repeated. • Rewarding a child for good behavior at the right time is very important. The reward needs to be provided as close to the desirable behavior as is possible. • There are two types of rewards: Social and Material • Social rewards include: • Smiling, praising, patting, hugging, listening, “high five”, time with parent • Makes the child feels special and encourages good behavior • Material rewards include: • Candy/food, toys, stickers, money, special activity • Drawbacks: Child can become too accustomed to material rewards and may refuse to behave properly without them. • May end up placing more significance on the reward itself rather than on the behavior or consequence of the behavior.

13. Guidance and Discipline Techniques • When all else fails – The Problem-solving Approach • When nothing seems to be working, try the who, what, when, where, and how method • Ask yourself: • When does the behavior seem to happen?” • “What happens just before and after? • “Where does it happen and with whom?” • “How do I usually respond?” • “How could I prevent the behavior?” • “What other approaches could I use?” • Take time to sit down and think about the problem. It can help you find a more successful way to handle the problem behaviors. *

14. Tips for Handling Challenging Behaviors • Keep your expectations realistic • When you expect too much or too little from your child it can lead to frustration for both of you. You’ve ordered food in a restaurant and it is taking a long time, ask for colors and coloring book or take your child for a short walk • Plan ahead • Hope for the best but plan for the worst. Always have a back-up plan. You are on your way to your parents house for dinner and you get caught in traffic; meanwhile, your child is crying from hunger. Have a snack available. • Clearly state your expectations in advance • Use when transitioning, especially from a preferred activity to a non-preferred activity Your child is playing with her cousin and the room is a mess. Tell her “We have to go in a few minutes. You need to finish up what you are doing and start cleaning up.” In about 5 minutes come back and say. “It’s time to go.” If she has not started cleaning up yet, say “I will help you put the dolls away…” • Offer limited reasonable choices • When you sense a battle of wills is coming on offer a choice “Zachary, the car won’t start until you are buckled in. Do you want to climb up in there yourself or do you want Daddy to put you in?”

15. Tips for Handling Challenging Behaviors 5. Use “When…then” statements • A simple statement that tells your child what he/she must do in order to do what they want to do. Be sure you: 1. Give it a positive focus 2. State it only once 3. Set a reasonable time limit 4. Follow through Ex: “When you put on your shoes, (then) you may go outside.” “When you clean up, (then) you may have a snack.” 6. Catch your child being good • Instead of focusing on the bad (ignore when possible), make concerted efforts to acknowledge the good behavior you see. It’s like money in the bank! • Stay Calm • When a reaction is required, remember the least response necessary is usually best • The more out of control your child becomes, the more self-control you need to show. • When you remain calm, you are modeling desired behavior and helping your child learn appropriate ways to respond to difficult situations. • Use “neutral time” • Talk about challenging behavior either before or after the behavior occurs when everyone is calm enough to think, talk, and listen

16. In Conclusion: All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten/(Preschool)(by Robert Fulghum) • All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sand pile at school. These are the things I learned: • Share everything. • Play fair. • Don't hit people. • Put things back where you found them. • Clean up your own mess. • Don't take things that aren't yours. • Say you're sorry when you hurt somebody. • Wash your hands before you eat. • Flush. • Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. • Live a balanced life - learn some and think some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. • Take a nap every afternoon. • Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality and sane living…

17. All I Really Need to Know I learned in Kindergarten • Take any one of those items and extrapolate it into sophisticated adult terms and apply it to your family life or your work or government or your world and it holds true and clear and firm. Think what a better world it would be if we all - the whole world - had cookies and milk at about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and then lay down with our blankies for a nap. Or if all governments had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them and to clean up their own mess. • And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out in the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. Source: “ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN" by Robert Fulghum

18. References Centers for Disease Control Developmental Milestones charts, http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/actearly/milestones/index.html Council for Exceptional Children (CEC) , Division of Learning Disabilities (DLD). Eight Practical Tips for Parents of Young Children with Challenging Behaviors. Retrieved from: http://www.education.com/reference/article/Ref_Behavior_Tips/ Erikson, Erik, Erikson’s Psychosocial Stages Summary Chart, Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development. About.com/Psychology Retrieved from http://psychology.about.com/library/bl_psychosocial_summary.htm Fulghum, Robert, AllI Really Need To Know I Learned in Kindergarten. New York: Villard Books, 1988. Oesterreich, Lesia. Family Life Extension Specialist, Human Development & Family Studies, Iowa State University. Disciplining Preschoolers, National Network for Child Care. Retrieved from http://www.nncc.org/Guidance/disc.presch.html Astill RG, Van der Heijden KB, Van Ijzendoorn MH, Van Someren EJ Psychological Bulletin. 2012 Nov;138(6):1109-38. doi: 10.1037/a0028204. Epub 2012 Apr 30. Sleep, cognition, and behavioral problems in school-age children: a century of research meta-analyzed. PBS Parents Inclusive Communities/Challenging Behaviors, Five Facts Every Family Should Know http://www.pbs.org/parents/inclusivecommunities/challenging_behavior.html .