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PACANET MCP CONSULTATION

PACANET MCP CONSULTATION. Marriage and Family: The Blessings of Faithfulness and the Pains of Betrayal Swaziland 27 April 2010. Outline of Presentation. Objectives Lest We Forget Multiple and Concurrent Sexual Partnerships Biblical Mandate for Marriage and Family

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PACANET MCP CONSULTATION

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  1. PACANET MCP CONSULTATION Marriage and Family: The Blessings of Faithfulness and the Pains of Betrayal Swaziland 27 April 2010

  2. Outline of Presentation • Objectives • Lest We Forget • Multiple and Concurrent Sexual Partnerships • Biblical Mandate for Marriage and Family • Faithfulness: Blessings and Responsibilities • Betrayal and the Pains thereof • Case Studies • Way Forward • Conclusion

  3. Objectives • Participants will reflect on and adopt effective ways and means of: • Encouraging faithfulness within marriage • Encouraging positive and responsible sexuality • Respecting/upholding the rights of women & children • Reducing MCP within their communities • Preventing the transmission of HIV • Enhancing the Church’s response to HIV and AIDS

  4. Lest We Forget • God makes it very clear that the relationship between Him and humans is a two-way affair. • We are called to faithfulness to Him and to each other by keeping of His commandments. • God on His part grants us access to Him through the finished work of Christ on the Cross. • The Holy Spirit is our Enabler, giving us the means to be faithful.

  5. Perils of MCP • Mathematical modeling has demonstrated that HIV will spread more rapidly in populations where long-term MCP are common. • Moreover, modeling suggests that even small reductions in the amount of concurrent sexual partnerships could have a large impact on reducing HIV transmission. [AIDSTAR-One, ‘Secret Lovers Kill’, Case Study Series, Sept 2009]

  6. Three God-ordained Institutions for the Ordering of Society • The Family • The Church • The State

  7. The Significance of a Home • The Home – 1st Institution created by God (Adam & Eve) • The Home – 1st Miracle performed by Jesus was at a wedding, in a home, in The Cana of Galilee (John 2:1-11) • The Home – Foundation for ‘husband-wife’ relationship • The Home – Primary institution for training and development of values, character, and faithfulness • See Deuteronomy 6:4-9!

  8. If any term catches the essence of mankind's character at the end of the age, it is "faithlessness." Man is generally faithless to any standard that can be considered as truly godly. In II Timothy 3:1-5, the apostle Paul describes the spirit of people at the end of the age: Marriage: Biblical Mandate • Similarity and differenceare both seen in the Hebrew words for man and woman. • English words: man & woman; and male & female. • Marriage isGod’s idea! See Manual (Genesis 2:18-25)

  9. Faithfulness • If any term catches the essence of mankind's character at the end of the age, it is "faithlessness." • Man seems to have a ‘faithless-tropism’! In II Tim. 3:1-5, St. Paul describes the spirit of people at the end of the age • Faithfulness, though, is about commitment. It hinges upon what we value as important.

  10. Faithfulness • We have a powerful tendency to be faithful to what we think is truly important, be it a family name, friendship, employer, school, soccer team! • Does not marriage require a similar faithfulness from each spouse? Without it, is it any wonder that there is so much adultery and divorce all around us?

  11. Defining Faithfulness • It means "good faith, faithfulness, sincerity"; being faithful, sincere"; and "all good fidelity" • The Hebrew word for "faithfulness" is emunah, which Strong's says literally means "firmness," figuratively means "security" and morally means "fidelity”. • Webster's New World Dictionary: Faithful is "maintaining allegiance; constant; loyal; marked by a strong sense of duty or responsibility; conscientious; accurate; reliable; exact”.

  12. Faithfulness – Our Responsibility • God calls upon the church to succeed where Israel failed • Yet currently the Church of God is badly divided and so widely scattered that it can almost be called shattered. • Faith in God corresponds to God's faithfulness. God's faithfulness should awaken faith in us, so we can respond in submissive obedience. • If He is worth trusting, we should trust Him fully.

  13. ROPES – Journey in Faithfulness • Paving the way towards blessings • Rites Of Passage Experiences(ROPES) • Programme of All Saints Cathedral, Nairobi (K). • Christian alternative to the traditional ‘rites of passage’ • 9-Month curriculum targets 13 Year-olds (girls & boys) • Graduation Ceremony attended by the parents, church leaders, political and community leaders!

  14. Blessings of Faithfulness • Individual Level • Contentment in marriage and in life • Friendship is enhanced through faithfulness   • Forward movement: holistic growth of each spouse • Faithfulness in marriage enhances ‘couple power’ • Fellowship with spouse as equal partner, devoid of gender biases and related encumbrances.

  15. Blessings of faithfulness... • Family and Societal Levels • Conducive environment is set for parenting • Faithfulness enhances commitment, which in turn, enhances fulfilled lives and productivity – at home/society • Faithfulness inspires other couples planning to get married, and gives hope to marriages that are hurting. • Faithfulness builds trust in the institution of marriage. • Note:“The ruin of a nation begins in the homes of its people” (Ghanaian proverb)

  16. Betrayal – The pathway • Betrayal is an initial silent path... • Familiarity with each other a possible cause of betrayal • Then , a subtle, progressive "emotional infidelity" • A partner progressively engages in an intimate (non-sexual) friendship with another person. This will lead to growing dissatisfaction with his/her partner. • Then it may end in a sexual infidelity and betrayal.

  17. Betrayal • Betrayal undermines Three basic human needs which are at the core of our individual being: • Security – need to be loved • Significance – need to make an impact in society • Self-worth – need to be valued • All are compromised, even destroyed by betrayal!

  18. Betrayal • Betrayal is the opposite force to faithfulness. • Betrayal generates many destructive emotions such as  • hate • desire to revenge • mistrust • defensiveness • hostility • adversarial spirit • rivalry • loneliness • powerlessness!

  19. Consequences of Betrayal • Impact on the Children • E.g. The Medical Student that I met on April 16 • Tears, Tension, Torment! Pain; Lack of peace! • Yet she is thankful to God, for His grace & provisions! • Effects on the Wider Family • List the effects at Congregation level...! • List the effects at the Wider Societal level...!

  20. Dealing with Betrayal • What we need to work through • Reality:- Research findings on MCP; Follow up? • Responses: – By and through Churches, Government, Human Rights Bodies, Community Leaders, Youth • Resources: – Body of Christ, the Word, The H/Spirit • Results: – Individual, Family, Community, Nation

  21. Remember • Unfulfilled sexuality & multiple sexual partners are at the root of most generalized HIV epidemics. • Behaviour change for adults is possible, though hard! • So, begin with behaviour formation - mould children towards a deeper understanding of the beauty of sexuality - develop knowledge, right attitudes, skills, and power to fully appreciate their sexuality.

  22. Helping Spouses Deal with Betrayal • Facing Own Feelings • Do not ignore feelings. Feeling angry is normal. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a private journal. Seek professional counseling. • Take Care of One-self • Encourage eating of healthy meals, drinking water throughout the day, exercise in the fresh air. Get regular sleep. Laughter is medicine to the bones.

  23. Helping spouses Deal with Betrayal • Communication is Key! • Communicate! Express feelings. Verbalize thoughts and feelings. Don't hold anything back. Get it all out. • Don’t be Mistrustful of Everyone • It is natural to be wary and cautious, but one should try not to push others away from oneself. Just because one person violated your trust, it doesn't mean others will.

  24. Dealing with Betrayal... • Trust Yourself • It is important that you not lose confidence in yourself or in your decisions. • Make a Decision • If you've decided to work on your marriage, then you will need to make a decision to trust again. Work on building mutual trust. Marriage can't be sustained if there is no trust between husband and wife.

  25. Dealing with Betrayal... • Let Go off the Anger • This isn't easy, but carrying anger and hostility in the heart is physically and emotionally draining. Deciding to hold a grudge, truly hurts the one habouring such a feeling than it hurts the other spouse. • Dent get into a self-blaming game • Be honest in asking yourself questions about what you possibly could have done differently. However, don't get into a self-blaming game.

  26. Dealing with Betrayal... • Grieve • Recognize that it is ok, even necessary, to go through the process of grief over the loss of trust and the sense of being betrayed. Mourning these losses will help you bring closure to this painful time in your life. • Forgive • Be willing to let go of the bad feelings, and to start a clean, new sheet in your relationship. We know that just as Jesus has forgiven us, so we too must forgive each other.

  27. Sticking Together – What it Takes (1) • FORGIVENESS: If we do not forgive others, God will not forgive us our trespasses (Matthew 6:14-15)! • FIREPROOF Your Marriage! Do whatever it takes to keep away marriage breakers! • FAITH: “It is the assurance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen”! “Without faith, it is impossible to please God” (Hebrews 11:1, 6).

  28. Sticking Together... • FAITHFULNESS: It is required of stewards that they are found faithful. As spouses, we ‘steward’ each other. • FIDELITY: This is one way to keep trust alive. • FATHERHOOD: Just as our heavenly father loves us, so we ought to love our spouses and children. • FRIENDSHIP: Is your spouse your closest friend?

  29. Sticking Together What it takes (2) • COVENANT: Biblical Marriage is A COVENANT, not CONTRACT! • COMITMENT: We need to commit to working on improving our marriages. Success in marriage = hard work! • CHILDREN: They are a gift from God. Bring them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord (Proverbs 22:6).

  30. Sticking Together • COHESION: Families are building blocks of society. Strong and stable families will produce strong and stable societies. The converse is also true! • CHARACTER: Allow Christ to be formed in us. Mirror Him to others. • COMPLEMENT each other! Do not compete!(Gen 2:18). • CHERISH each other! A a pathway to mutual happiness.

  31. Apply the Five Love Languages • Love Language #1: WORDS OFAFFIRMATION • Love Language #2: QUALITY TIME • Love Language #3: RECEIVING GIFTS • Love Language #4:ACTS OF SERVICE • Love Language #5:PHYSICAL TOUCH [Source: Gary Chapman, www.garychapman.org]

  32. Two Case Studies • Family Jonathan Edwards • Family Max Jukes [*Tim & Bev LaHaye, The Christian Family, 1978:20]

  33. The Family of Max Jukes • MR. & MRS. JUKE’S DESCENDANTS • 1026 Descendants studied • 300 “Premature” deaths • 100 Sent to prison – 13 years each • 190 Became public prostitutes • 100 Became drunkards and Alcoholics • 336 Not much reported about them • Altogether, The family cost the New York State six (6) million US Dollars!

  34. The Family of Jonathan Edwards • MR. & MRS. J. EDWARDS DESCENDANTS • 729 Descendants studied • 300 Became Preachers of the Gospel • 65 College Professors • 13 University Presidents • 60 Authors of ‘good’ books • 3 U.S. Congressmen • 1 Vice - President of the U.S.A. • 217 – Not much said about them • No record of any cost to the NY State!

  35. Way Forward: Marriage is for Love! (Richard Strauss) • Can love be recaptured ... once lost? • Yes! But, it’ll take human effort and divine enabling • The Three dimensions of love in marriage: • Eros • Philia • Agape

  36. Eros love • Sexual love • Need love • Love that seeks sensual expression • The lingering touch • The deep kiss • Candles and music • Eros diminishes with time. Hence Philia & Agape!

  37. Philia love • Friendship love • Companionship love • Showing concern and care for the other person • Enjoying each others company • Reminiscing of past struggles • Going shopping together • Sharing breakfast without the morning paper

  38. Agape love • God’s love for us – It’s Love un-limited! • The highest form of love • It is self-giving love, no matter what; who! • Three aspects of Agape Love (Andres Nygren) • Agape is spontaneous and unmotivated • Agape is indifferent to value • Agape is creative

  39. EMOTIONAL INTIMACY Affection (Storge)Friendship (Phileo) PASSION Romantic & Sexual love encompassing heart, soul, mind, and body (Eros)‏ COMMITMENT Christ-like, self-sacrificial love (Agape)

  40. Conclusion! • An ideal marriage is one in which both partners allow the Lord to meet their basic personal needs – i.e. security, significance, and self-worth - and are free to live not for themselves but for the Lord and for each other. Until that goal is reached, marriage problems can never be fully and finally resolved! (Selwyn Hughes, 2005:134)

  41. References • AIDSTAR-One, ‘Secret Lovers Kill’, Case Study Series, Sept 2009] • Garry Chapman, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate (Northfield Publishing, Chicago, 2004) • John Edmund Haggai, Lead On, (Haggai Institute, Atlanta, GA, 1983) • Selwyn Hughes, Marriage as God Intended (Life Journey, Kingsway Communication Ltd, Eastbourne, UK, 1983; Revised Ed. 2005) • Spiros Zodhiates, in Complete Word Study Dictionary of the New Testament, p. 1162. • Tim & Bev LaHaye, The Christian Family, 1978:20

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