12-Step Buddhist

1. 12-Step Buddhist Darren’s Story Sitting like a pond with no ripples in the middle of the forest – Littlejohn

2. Childhood of Pain: Inherited or Otherwise • Parents litany of ailments – Mom (cancer, arthritis, bipolar, borderline) • Dad ( Abandoned by parents, forced child labor) • Darren developed OCD in childhood – would save and collect “things” primary and secondary identifications • Help to retain and ground fledging self – both necessary and later a hindrance to freedom • Does push away becoming familiar with ourselves inside • Years later Darren would be introduced to the Buddhist notion of “No-Self”

3. Tracking the Divine • Early meditation practice – there was a call from beyond and sprinklings of (Krishnamurti / Zen ) • Moved to “Cali” had to fit in • Began drinking – and then it became guzzling

4. First Drug Use: An Unconscious Pursuit for Enlightenment? • Began to smoke weed, dropping acid, being “stoned” became a mystical happening • Darren thought he was transcending the “consciousness of his intolerable situation” • Stood with sixty thousand people behind me at Led Zeppelin's Day on the Green (it was more than a pilgrimage to rock ‘n’ roll Mecca… It was a spiritual experience”) • However, Darren never found any real peace – and yet because of hallucinogens - I had the knowledge that things aren’t what they appear to be

5. Violent Interventions: Darkness Descends • Drug use escalates “PCP use” • Brother’s crude intervention both physically and psychologically – backfires • Trauma of the beating(s) scarred Darren for years • Parents charged for food stamp fraud • Moves with brother – introduces him to blow – and the rides continues

6. Sobriety v. 1.0 – Ten Years of AA • Dove hard into AA and spirituality • Married, child, work (real world) began college • Relationship fallout again – psych program did not fill the inner seeker quest for… • Completed three years of cognitive behavioral therapy • Instead of pursuing spiritually further “got new psychiatrically challenged girlfriend” took some acid and dived into Zen

7. Zen and the Art of Relapse • First teacher – too simple • Second teacher – took it seriously / partner relapsed (led to avenue with • Third teacher “Joko Beck” real teacher; JB: “pay attention”; DL: “To what”? JB: “Oh, I don’t know, your eyebrow” • Added a therapist to deal with emotional content arising from Zazen

8. Relapse: Seduced By the Mind • Thought I needed LSD to experience enlightenment – thought I could unravel the experiences of the universe through spirituality, therapy, graduate studies in psychology – still somewhat depressed • And the drugs hadn’t changed this pursuit either – Darren experience was that his pursuit of Zen or Buddhism was breaking the through the addiction • Had his seeking become an addiction? • Full blown relapse (ecstasy) – designer drugs / life completely falls apart / dope / job loss / drunk driving

9. Sobriety V. 2.0 • Joined manic depressive support group and during this time I stumbled upon a “Young People’s” 12-step meeting I have been sober ever since (1997) • Diagnose with mental illness (bipolar, post-traumatic stress disorder, poly-substance abuse, impulse control, post-hallucinogenic perceptual disorder – plus a brain disease – called addiction • While my 12-Step program is a vital part of my recovery and integral to my spiritual path, it alone is not enough. • Have let go of meds one at a time • This book is about how Darren learned to how work recovery (addiction and mental illness) through integrating the 12-steps, Zen, medicine, and developing a sense of community.