Couples Communication

1. Couples Communication Kim Allen Director, CASPP Associate State Extension Specialist

2. Activity • Divide into groups • What makes a good relationship? • What keeps couples happily attached? • Do personality characteristics make a difference in how couples get along? If so, which ones are important? • Is what brings people together what keeps them together? • Nature or nurture?

3. Research Overview • Three names in relationship enhancement: • Gottman • Markman and Stanley

4. John M. Gottman • Leading researcher on relationship issues • Co-founder Gottman Institute with wife Julie • http://www.gottman.com/about/john_gottman/

5. Gottman & Driver (2004) • Marital Stability and Divorce prediction research • Any guesses what makes a marriage stable?

6. Gottman & Driver (2004) • Goal of study: to see if common positive events improve humor and affect during negative events. • i.e. If I am happy and regularly do fun things with my spouse, will that have an effect on how we fight?

7. Gottman & Driver (2004) • Two sessions: • 1st, couples sat facing each other and were ask to have a conflict discussion • 2nd session, couples were in an apartment simulation. Couples spent 24 hours in the apartment, doing “normal” activities. Although 12 hours of tape was capture, the focus in this study was dinnertime

8. Gottman & Driver (2004) • Researches noted interactions in three areas: turning toward (positive), turning against (negative), turning away (ignore) • Results: “couples everyday moments contribute to positive affect during conflict”.

9. Gottman, Coan, Swanson & Carrere (1998) • Study showed that “positive affect during marital conflict was the only predictor of both marital stability and marital satisfaction 6 years after the wedding” • Humor and affect is also a prominent characteristic of senior couples still in their first marriage.

10. Martin Seligman • Positive psychology push, which suggests that the field needs to focus on strengths rather than weakness. • Fits into Gottman’s research on positive affect and problem solving skills. • As future practitioners, how is this helpful?

11. Solving Problems • Marriage interventions often focus on how to best handle conflict. • Discussion on handling conflict…. • Think of a couple you know that handles conflict well • Think back to how your parents handled conflict

12. Conflict • Research shows that • Affection during conflict is connected to marital satisfaction • Daily moments contribute to affect during conflict • When done well, conflict can be very healthy for couples

13. Gottman’s Four Horsemen • Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness and Stonewalling • Criticism • Attacking someone’s character rather than behavior • Different than complaining

14. 4 Horsemen • Contempt • Intention to insult • Mocking • Making fun of

15. 4 Horsemen • Defensiveness • Denying responsibility • Making excuses • Repeating self • Stonewalling • Disengaging • No responding

16. Stanley and Markman • Researchers at the University of Denver Center for Marital and Family Studies • Created Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program • Author of Fighting for Your Marriage

17. Stanley & Markman (1997) • Phone Survey • Stanley and Markman conducted a phone survey to 947 adults. • The goal was to find out the perception of relationships.

18. Results • Most people reported being happy with their marriage • Dedication to partner fostered stronger and happier relationships • Couples argue most about….

19. Couples argue most about • Money • Followed by • Children • Chores • Career and in-laws

20. Other contribution to happy relationships • Having fun together is a core task, and most couples report that they have fun with and consider their spouse their very good or best friend. • Division of Chores • Research shows that the more equitable, the happier the couple. • Who does more housework?

21. Contribution to happy relationships • Dating, or spending time together to refresh relationship is important, and most important during middle years of marriage • Bonding and sharing common goals and activities are important to the health of a relationship.

22. Things to avoid • Participants under 35 were much more likely to have used or received physical aggression • Domestic abuse is a serious issue, and deserves considerable more attention than we have space for today.

23. Premarital Counseling • Couples are much more likely to get premarital counseling today than in the past. • Benefits of premarital counseling are not easily tracked, but current literature suggests that those who receive it are less likely to divorce than others.

24. Cohabitation • Couples cohabitate before marriage much more frequently today than ever before. • 11% in 1978 vs. 60% in 1998. • Do you think that is good for the relationship?

25. Cohabitation divorce rate • The divorce rate for those living together before marriage is significantly higher (by about 13%). Why? • Theories include • Less commitment • Trial marriage because they are aware of potential issues already • View relationship as two individuals rather than as a couple

26. Danger Signs in couples • Danger signs that were identified by participants included: • Withdrawal • Escalation • Criticism • Loneliness • Belittling • Holding back feelings • Uneven perceptions

27. Stanley and Markman (2002) • Communication, conflict and commitment are fundamental to relationship success • Negative communication is linked with lower relationship satisfaction and higher rates of divorce • Negative communication is linked with thoughts and talk of divorce

28. Communication • Skills to develop a safe place, emotionally and physically, to talk about problems will help couples succeed.

29. Stanley & Markman (1997) • Based on this data, the authors created a program to help couples improve their relationship. • Preventing marital distress and divorce • is a positive move for families and individuals • Must focus on factors that all couples have control over

30. Research on marriage • Research on marriage shows that the interaction between couples is predictive of outcomes • Couples who exhibited negative reciprocity, poor affect management and withdrawal during conflict where most likely to be in trouble

31. Help for couples • Psychosocial programs are available to assist couples in relationship enhancement. • Prevention programs that reduce risk factors and increase protective factors is gaining in popularity. • These programs raise relationship awareness, foster change in attitudes and beliefs, and teach skills.

32. “The best things people take from a marriage education course are how to talk without fighting, how to open up and share, how to put on the brakes when anger begins, and how to come back to the conversation in a safe, constructive way, and, they'll have increased confidence in their relationship." • Scott Stanley

33. PREP • Based on the research surrounding healthy marriages, Stanley, Markman and Blumberg created • Prevention and Relationship Enhancement Program • clip

34. Three important facts about marriage • People want strong, thriving happy marriages • People and societies benefit from marriage (can you think of how or exceptions?) • American’s are ambivalent about marriage

35. Markman and Stanley • To make marriages better couples must • Feel confident about their relationships • Understand benefits of success • Choose good partners • Increase relationship skills • Communicate • Back to back activity

36. Good Communication • Key to conflict management: communication • Communication activity • Back to back shape drawing • What is the breakdown of communication patterns? (verbal, nonverbal, etc)

37. Communication • 7% spoken • 38% body language and tone of voice • 55% facial expression Essential for couples to be aware of communication style perceptions “I” messages & speaker listener technique

38. Marriage Initiatives • The Federal Government • New focus on healthy marriages • $750m in grants over 5 years • Any concerns?

39. Oklahoma • Low income perceptions are very different that middle class. • Major initiative • http://www.okmarriage.org