Couples Therapy

1. Couples Therapy The relationship as the client

2. Post WW-II history of marriage • Economics • Shift in type of work due to industrialization • Necessity of dual incomes • Technology • Industrialization • Transportation • Birth control • Social Norms (next slide)

3. The change in social norms • Shift from external, role-oriented criteria (e.g., good worker, provider, mother, wife) to internal criteria of personal satisfaction. • Studies of changing themes in popular magazine articles about marriage since the '50s document increased emphasis on self-development, flexible and negotiable roles, and open communication about problems. Surveys show similarly dramatic changes in criteria for "marital satisfaction". • These changes reflect increases in individualism and our standard of living, as well as improved contraceptive methods and greater availability of abortions. • Could you conceive of staying in a marriage unless you're happy?

4. Current statistics • The American divorce rate has increased dramatically since the mid 19th century (peak in early '80s). • Between 50-67% of first marriages end in divorce -- and the failure rate for second marriages is 10% higher. Median duration is 7.2 years. • More marriages now end in divorce than death (true since 1974). • Couple therapy is a growing industry: From 1,000 licensed marital therapists in 1972 to over 50,000 today. • Barely half of couples report significant improvement from therapy (compared to over 75% in individual therapy) -- and a third of those who improve have problems later on (Bray & Jouriles).

5. Characteristics of “happy” couples Tolstoy’s adage: “All happy families are alike, but unhappy marriages are unhappy in their own way.” • Characteristics (John Gottman) • foundation of affection and friendship • "validation sequences“ • ability to resolve disagreements • “positive sentiment override” • a 5 to 1(or better) compliment-criticism ratio is optimal • as the ratio decreases, marriage satisfaction decreases • Amount of conflict relatively unimportant (all relationships have conflict)

6. Distressed couples (Gottman cont.) • Engage in a wide range of destructive fighting techniques • Personal attacks (name calling) • Dredging up the past • Losing focus (…and the “kitchen sink”) • Tend to resort to the "four horsemen of the apocalypse“ • Criticism (more common in women) • Defensiveness • Withdrawal (more common in men) • Contempt

7. Couples’ interaction styles (Gottman cont.) • Three ways of understanding couples’ interaction styles: • Validating (optimal) • the 5 to 1 ratio (optimal) • respect partner's opinions and emotions • compromise often • resolve problems to mutual satisfaction • Volatile • arguments, conflict may or may not be resolved • Vacillate between heated arguments and passionate reconciliation • Avoiding – do not deal with problems at all (agree to disagree) • Compatibility of interaction styles sometimes more predictive of relationship success than the style itself

8. Love is a story (Sternberg) • What are stories of love? • They are stories about what love ideally should be • They play out in our day-to-day experiences in relationships • They influence who we are attracted to and who we are compatible with • They are a lens through which people experience events • How do they form? • Stories come from past experiences, thoughts, and feelings about relationships • Stories can and do change, but new stories start with old stories • Stories are affected by cultural norms

9. Love is a story (continued) • Some examples • Asymetrical stories (generally not healthy) • teacher-student • sacrifice • government • police investigation (detective/suspect) • horror • collection • Coordination stories (usually healthier) • travel • garden:processing | attention • sewing • business • Narratives • fantasy • war

10. Goals of therapy • The most-studied form of couple therapy -- Behavioral Marital Therapy • Help partners negotiate behavior change • Teach more effective communication skills (e.g., active listening, how to argue) • Gottman (microskills) • Avoid the 4 horsemen and other forms of destructive fighting • Focus on and encourage “positive sentiment override” • Latest research findings • Improving "communication skills" may not be the key to resolving many couple problems (Baucom; Burleson & Denton). • Good will between partners may be more important than good communication skills • Good language and communication skills can even make bad marriages worse (e.g., keeps problem salient) • Several promising new approaches • Acceptance therapy (focus on interrupting partners' attempts to change each other) • Solution-focused therapy (intervention aims to identify exceptions to the problem and reinforce strengths in the couple's relationship)

11. Therapeutic techniques • Maintain balanced approach (don’t show favoritism) • Have members of the couple talk to each other, not the therapist • Anticipate backsliding (habits are hard to change)