41 st AIM-IRS Annual Business Meeting and Training Seminar

Crucial Conversations Jim Rogers Field Director Accounts Management Cincinnati and Carolyn Chapman Field Director Accounts Management Memphis 41st AIM-IRS Annual Business Meeting and Training Seminar 1

What Is a Crucial Conversation? • A crucial conversation is defined as, “a discussion between two or more people where; • stakes are high, • opinions vary, and • emotions run strong 2

Common Crucial Conversations in the Workplace • Offensive Behavior • Inappropriate Comments • Issues around Personal Hygiene • Lack of Teamwork • Delivering an Unfavorable Performance Review 3

Common Crucial Conversations at Home • Household Finances • Parenting Differences • Politics • Religion • Household Chores • In-Laws 4

What do We do when We are Faced with a Crucial Conversation? • Avoid them • Face them and handle them poorly • Face them and handle them well Learning what not to do:

Blame It On Genetic Shaping What causes some of our worst behaviors? Years of programmed response from your body Adrenal Glands Pressure We’re Stumped on how to handle it well

Style Under Stress What is your style under stress? Silence Violence Or Dialogue?

Style Under Stress Silence? Masking Avoiding Withdrawing

Style Under Stress Violence? Controlling Labeling Attacking

Understanding Your Own Style Choose to Improve Name the Game Correct Your Course Get to Dialogue!

The Goal Create Safety Why?

Safety Establishing an atmosphere where the other person in a conversation feels comfortable and free to talk about or listen to any topic, no matter how sensitive it may be.

Pool of Shared Meaning Each of us enters a conversation with our own opinions, feeling, theories, and experiences about the topic. These make up our personal pool of meaning. The more information we add to the each other’s meaning, the better the decisions that are made. The group’s “IQ”.

Pool of Shared Meaning The smarter the pool, the smarter the decision! I.Q. + E. Q. = Best Practices Willingly Effectively Discuss Issues Share Ideas Give Respect Add to Progress

The Model

Beware of the “Sucker’s” Choice These are false dilemmas that suggest we face only two options (both of them bad), when in fact we face several choices—some of them good. We suffer from “Or” Thinking.

Learn to Look When a conversation turns crucial, we either miss or misinterpret the early warning signs. We want to be able to step out of the content of the conversation and learn to look for signs that a conversation has become crucial and that safety is at risk so we can get back to dialogue more quickly.

Start With Heart The first principle of good dialogue is that healthy dialogue starts with your own motives. Start With Heart means to start with the right motives and stay focused on what you really want throughout the conversation.

Start With Heart Make informed decisions • 1. What do I really want for myself? • 2. What do I really want for others? • 3. What do I really want for my relationships?

And” Thinking “And” Thinking helps us avoid making Sucker’s Choices. Instead of feeling confined to chose one alternative OR avoid its bad consequences, ask yourself how you can achieve one AND avoid the other.

The One Thing When it comes to risky, controversial, and emotional conversations… 1) Skilled people find a way to get all relevant information out into the open 2) They understand what they must do to stay in dialogue.

Master My Stories A principle that helps us control the emotions that drive our actions. Challenge the stories we tell ourselves and ask questions. "Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person act this way?" Posing the question is an effort to consider other possibilities. This increases the probability of getting what we really want.

Watch Out for Your own Stories Victim Stories: “It’s not my fault.” Villain Stories: “It’s all your fault!” Helpless Stories: “There’s nothing else I can do…”

We do it to ourselves… Emotions don’t just happen You and only you create your emotions. You can act on them or be acted on by them. See/Hear – Tell a Story – Feel – Act

Retrace Your Path Act Am I in some form of Silence or Violence? Feel What emotions are encouraging me to act? Tell a Story What story is creating these emotions? See/Hear What evidence do I have to support this story?

Explore Others’ Paths Agree when you agree, don’t turn agreement into an argument. Build on areas of agreement and add information. Compare tentatively and describe how. Then State Your Path

State Your Path A set of skills that help you share difficult feedback or risky meaning. What to do…Share your facts Tell your story Ask for others’ paths How to do it… Talk tentatively Encourage testing

AMPP it up! Ask to get things rolling: What’s going on? I’d like to hear your opinion…Let me know if you see things differently. Mirror to confirm feelings: Hint that emotions are inconsistent with words. You seem… Paraphrase to acknowledge the story: Is it that you’re feeling ____, because of…? Prime when you’re getting nowhere: Pour meaning into the pool so others will do the same.

Move to Action Agree when you agree, don’t turn agreement into an argument. Build on areas of agreement and add information. Compare tentatively and describe how. …then State Your Path.

Silence Fails Major business initiative, projects, and programs fail at a rate of 85%. Of the 90% of business leaders who face difficult issues routinely, only 17% are able to get their concerns out and be understood. Leaders who address these issues are 50-70% more likely to achieve project objectives.

Masters of Dialogue Make it safe to talk Surface the best ideas Make informed decisions Create a learning atmosphere Act with unity and commitment Turn diversity into synergy!

Making the Most of Crucial Conversations Be the Master of your Crucial Conversations!

41 st AIM-IRS Annual Business Meeting and Training Seminar