Romantic and Family Relationships

1. Chapter 10 Romantic and Family Relationships

2. The Nature of Intimate Relationships • Intimacy • Significant emotional closeness that we experience in a relationship—whether romantic or not.

3. Characteristics of Intimacy • Requires Deep Commitment • Desire to remain in a relationship no matter what happens • Emotional Commitment • Sense of responsibility for each other’s feelings and emotional well-being • Social Commitment • Motivates us to spend time together, compromise, generous with praise, avoid petty conflict

4. Characteristics of Intimacy • Commitment • Legal and Financial Commitments • More formal expressions of obligations to each other • Fosters Interdependence • What happens to one person affects everyone else in the relationship • Higher level of interdependence than other relationships

5. Characteristics of Intimacy • Requires Continuous Investment • Commitment of a person’s energies and other resources—time, money, attention • We also expect to benefit from the investment • Cannot retrieve the resources if the rel. ends • Romantic partners are happiest when both feel they are investing in the rel. to the same degree

6. Intimacy Sparks Dialectical Tensions • Conflicts between important but opposing needs or desires • Autonomy vs. Connection • Time spent alone vs. together • Openness vs. Closedness • How much do you self-disclose vs. keep private • Predictability vs. Novelty • Desire for consistency vs. new experiences

7. Managing Dialectical Tensions • Denial • Respond to one side of tension and ignore other • Disorientation • Escape tension by ending the relationship • Alternation • Go back and forth between two sides • Segmentation • Deal with one part in certain aspects of the rel. and other part in other aspects of rel.

8. Managing Dialectical Tensions • Balance • Try to find a compromise or middle ground between the two • Integration • Strategies to satisfy both sides of tension simultaneously • Recalibration • “Reframe” tension so that contradiction disappears (ex. They’re both important) • Reaffirmation • Embrace both tensions as normal

9. Comm. in Romantic Rels. • 95% of us will marry or have a long-term marriage-like relationship • People live longer—less risk-taking behavior • Less depression and other mental issues • Health benefits greater for men • Married women healthier

10. Romance and Exclusivity • Expectation of monogamy • Infidelity—romantic or sexual involvement with someone outside rel. • “Open” rels.—can be involved with others • Polygamy—society allows for multiple partners

11. Romance and Voluntariness • People choose to be in the rel. • Rel. is not chosen for the individuals • Why do people remain involuntarily? • Stability for children • Religious beliefs • Financial concerns • No positive alternatives to their current rel.

12. Love, Sex, and Permanence • Concept of Romantic Love is a newer idea • Issue of same-sex couples wanting more rights • Most people have intention of a permanent relationship • Legal, medical, and other rights if married • Medical and other benefits

13. Knapp’s Relationship Phases

14. Relational Development “Coming Together”—Dr. Mark Knapp • Initiating • People meet and interact for the first time • Experimenting • Learn more about the person • Determine if there is enough interest • Intensifying • Move from acquaintances to close friends • Increase commitment • Share intimate information

15. Relational Development “Coming Apart”—Dr. Mark Knapp • Integrating • Deep commitment has been formed • Recognized as a couple • Bonding • Public announcement of commitment • Move in together, engagement, marriage, commitment ceremony • Gain support and approval of people in their social networks

16. Relational Deterioration • Differentiating • Begin to view differences as undesirable or annoying • Circumscribing • Decrease quality and quantity of communication • Avoid conflict • Put rules and regulations on other

17. Relational Deterioration • Stagnating • Rel. stops growing • Partners don’t speak much • “Going through the motions” • Avoiding • Create physical and emotional distance • One may move out • Screen calls or text messages

18. Relational Deterioration • Terminating • Rel. is over • Moving out, dividing property • Announcing to friends and family that rel. is over • Divorce or dissolution • This is a significant decision • Huge impact on children

19. Relational Couple Types • Mary Anne Fitzpatrick • Traditional Couples • Conventional approach to marriage • Gender-typical divisions of labor • Engage in conflict • Separate Couples • Similar to Traditional except spouses are autonomous • Each has own interests and social networks • See self as individuals rather than a couple • Ignore conflict and don’t deal with it directly

20. Relational Couple Types • Independent Couples • Independent of social expectations for marriage • Don’t necessarily believe in conventional gender roles or division of labor • Highly interdependent • Engage in conflict as it arises • Mixed Couples • When each partner disagree as to the type of rel. they have • Typical is wife who sees couple as traditional and husband views couple as separate

21. Comm. in Romantic Rels. • Vary in how they handle conflict • Conflict Styles in Marriage • John Gottman • Validating Couples • Talk about disagreements openly and cooperatively • Stay calm, use humor, positive emotions • Volatile Couples • Discuss issues openly but competitive • Each spouse tries to persuade the other • Negative rather than positive emotions • Could experience intense periods of affection

22. Comm. in Romantic Rels. • Conflict-Avoiding Couples • Deal with conflict indirectly • Try to diffuse conflict and focus on similarities • Agree to disagree but may leave issues unresolved • Hostile Couples • Experience intense and frequent conflict • Use negative emotion displays • Engage in personal attacks • Gottman’s research on gay and lesbian couples pg. 327—overall deal with conflict in a more positive manner

23. Comm. in Romantic Rels. • Vary in how they handle privacy • Communication Privacy Management Theory (CPM) • Sandra Petronio • Addresses how couples manage tension regarding keeping information private or sharing it • Couples jointly own information about their problems • We need to be aware of information our partner expects us to keep private.

24. Comm. in Romantic Rels. • Vary in how they manage emotional comm. (Gottman & Levenson) • How partners express emotion tells a lot about their rel.—especially satisfaction • Happy couples comm. more positive emotion and less negative emotion • Happy—more affection, humor, verbal assurances • Unhappy—more anger, contempt sadness, hostility • Unhappy couples reciprocate negative emotion—escalate negativity

25. Comm. in Romantic Rels. • Vary in how they handle instrumental communication • Romantic couples often disagree about division of labor • Most tasks require decisions because they must be completed • Task division reflects the balance of power in the rel. • Same-sex rels. often have a more equal division of tasks than opposite-sex couples.

26. Improving Communication in Intimate Relationships • Maintain a supportive, not defensive, climate • As both sender and receiver of messages • Communicate using behaviors that contribute to a supportive climate

27. Comm. in Families • What makes a family? • Genetic Ties • Related by blood • Some family members are not blood relatives: in-laws, spouses, adoptive families • Legal Obligations • Obligated to house, feed, educate, and care for children • Role Behaviors • Individuals act like a family

28. Comm. in Families • Types of Families • Family of Origin • Family a person grows up in • Family of Procreation • Family one starts as an adult • Romantic partner/spouse and any children the couple raises • Nuclear Family • Married man and woman with their biological children • Blended Family • Two adult partners raising children

29. Comm. in Families • Single-Parent Family • One adult raises one or more children • Extended Family • Includes other relatives such as grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. • People may not interact with their extended family a great deal, but these relationships are very important

30. Comm. Issues in Families • Family Roles • The functions that individuals serve • Ex.: Troublemaker, caregiver, clown, blamer, placater, distracter, etc. • Family Rituals • Repetitive activities that have special meaning • Reinforce family values, provide sense of belonging, allow for together time, creating memories, emphasize importance of family relationships • Important in blended families

31. Comm. Issues in Families • Family Stories • They do more than provide entertainment • Sense of history, express expectations, reinforce connections across generations • Two characteristics • Told and retold over a long period of time—become part of family’s collective knowledge • Send an underlying message about the family such as pride, hardworking, stick together, etc.

32. Comm. Issues in Families • Family Secrets • Information the family considers private and inappropriate to share • Reinforces family identity and exclusivity • Secrets may be kept within families

33. Creating Positive Comm. Climate • Each intimate relationship has its own “personality” • “Climate” is the emotional tone of a relationship • Reflects how we feel about the rel. • Comm. Climate is an issue in personal and professional relationships

34. Confirming Messages • Behaviors that indicate how much we value another person. • Types • Recognition • Recognize another person exists and is worth of our attention • Acknowledgement • Acknowledge a person’s thoughts and feelings • Endorsement • You agree with what the other person has said

35. Disconfirming Messages • Behaviors that imply a lack of regard for another person. • Types • Impervious response • Ignore the person altogether • Verbal Abuse • Use words to hurt another person emotionally and psychologically • Insults, put-downs, sarcastic remarks, threaten physical harm, etc.

36. Disconfirming Messages • Types • Generalized Complaining • Complaints that offend the other person’s value or character • Irrelevant Response • Reply to another’s statement with an unrelated statement • Don’t acknowledge their message • Impersonal Response • Offers no real sympathy • You are indifferent to their message

37. Defensive and Supportive Comm. • Evaluation vs. Description • Evaluative (D)—Expresses an opinion based on the value of another person’s behavior • Descriptive (S)—Provide detail about the person’s behaviors without passing judgment • Control vs. Problem Orientation • Control (D)—Manipulate others to act a specific way • Problem Orientation (S)—Encourage collaboration and creative thinking • Based on research by Jack Gibb • (D) = Defensive (S) = Supportive

38. Defensive and Supportive Comm. • Strategy vs. Spontaneity • Strategy (D)—Withhold information in an attempt to control the listener • Spontaneity (S)—Express thoughts and desires openly and honestly without a hidden agenda • Neutrality vs. Empathy • Neutrality (D)—Imply a lack of concern for well-being of others • Empathy (S)—Convey concern for others are feeling and experiencing

39. Defensive and Supportive Comm. • Superiority vs. Equality • Superiority (D)—Encourage division and an “us vs. them” mentality • Equality (S)—Emphasize inclusiveness and minimize status differences between people • Certainty vs. Provisionalism • Certainty (D)—Offer inflexible conclusions with no room for debate • Provisionalism (S)—Offer ideas flexibly in the hope of generating dialogue

40. Providing Effective Feedback • Feedback • Returning or feeding back to others our reactions to the verbal and nonverbal messages we received from them

41. Feedback Types • Non-evaluative • Used when we want to gain more information or help others work through feelings • Evaluative • Positive evaluative feedback reinforces communicative behaviors • Negative evaluative feedback stops undesirable communicative behaviors

42. Non-Evaluative Feedback -Withholds Assessment • Probing • Be specific • Use full sentences • Monitor nonverbal feedback • Put burden of ignorance on own shoulders • Paraphrase • Content • Feelings • Offer Support • Share your perceptions • Confirm validity of problem • You respect decision even if yours differs

43. Evaluative Feedback -Offers Assessment • Provide Praise • Note strengths and what person has done well • Be specific and behavioral • Criticize Constructively • Point out what can be made better • Offer ideas for improvement • Make sure person wants your feedback • Be specific and behavioral • Unsolicited criticism is rarely welcome

44. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM Make sure the person wants your criticism Restrict feedback to recent behavior Discuss behavior within the control of the other person Constructive?