Dimensions of Romantic Relationships

1. Dimensions of Romantic Relationships • Passion • Positive feelings-sparks • Strong desire-sexual, emotional, spiritual, intellectual attraction • Commitment • Intention/decision to be/remain involved • Find it comfortable & pleasing • Value companionship, emotional support, financial assistance, etc. • Avoid negative consequences • Violating religious values, family disapproval, financial hardships

2. Dimensions cont. • Intimacy • Closeness • Connection • Tenderness • Underlie passion & commitment • Abiding affection & warm feelings

3. What Kind of Lover Are You?Respond by answering True if the statement is an accurate representation of your attitudes about love or False if it is not. • In choosing my lover, I believed it was best to love someone w/ similar bkgrd. • An important factor is whether they would be a good parent or not. • Another factor is how they would reflect on my career. • Sometimes I get so excited about my lover, I can’t sleep. • When my lover doesn’t pay attention to me, I feel sick all over. • I cannot relax if I suspect that my lover is with someone else. • I would rather suffer myself than let my lover suffer. • When my lover gets angry w/ me, I still love them fully & unconditionally. • I would endure all things for the sake of my lover. • My lover & I have the right physical “chemistry” b/t us. • I feel my lover & I were meant for each other. • My lover & I really understand each other. • I believe what my lover doesn’t know won’t hurt either of us. • My lover would get upset if they knew about some of my past. • When my lover gets too dependent, I want to back off a little. • I expect to always be friends w/ my lover. • Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion. • Our love relationship is the most satisfying b/c it developed from a good friendship.

4. How did you do? • This scale, from Hendrick & Hendrick (1990), is based on Lee’s six types of love. • Left column • Statements 1-3 are characteristic of the Eroslover. • Statements 4-6 are characteristic of the Ludus lover. • Statements 7-9 are characteristic of the Storgelover. • Right column • Statements 1-3 are characteristic of the Pragma lover. • Statements 4-6are characteristic of the Manic lover. • Statements 7-9 are characteristic of the Agape lover.

5. Lee’s 6 Types of Love • Eros-Beauty & Sexuality • Storge-Peaceful & Slow • Ludus-Entertainment & Excitement • Pragma-Practical & Traditional • Mania-Elation & Depression • Agape-Compassionate & Selfless

6. EROS • Like Narcissus, who fell in love w/ the beauty of his own image • Focuses on beauty/physical attractiveness • Idealized image of beauty-unattainable in reality • Intense love • Early self-disclosure • Sentimental expressions • Quick falling in love period

7. Storge • Grows out of friendship • Stability • Lacks passion & intensity • Companionable • Gradual process of unfolding thoughts & feelings • Sex comes later & assumes no importance

8. Ludus • Game/fun-must be interesting/amusing • Better the game, better the enjoyment • Emotions held in check • Passions never get out of control • Self-controlled-manage love • May reveal tendency toward sexual aggression • Multiple dating & sex partners • Commitment avoidance

9. Pragma-combo of Storge/Ludus • Compatibility & meets needs/desires • Family & bkgrd important-more logic than feelings • Asks practical questions such as “Earn a good living?”, “Cook?”, “Advance me in my career?”-clear criteria before falling in love • Careful selection, emphasizing similarities • Realistic romantic expectations

10. Mania-combo of Eros & Ludus • Devise games & tests • Experience emotional extremes-high/low • May experience extreme jealousy • Obsessive-possess completely & be possessed • Poor self-image improves w/being loved • Danger signs often ignored since love is only thing that matters

11. Agape-combo Eros & Storge • Other’s happiness ahead of their own w/ no expectation of reciprocity -spiritual love • More philosophical love on one level-Jesus, Buddha, Gandhi preached this unqualified love • Loves the stranger on the road even though they will never meet again

12. Identify Styles of Loving Exercise

13. What Will You Do? • What things might you do to become more aware of the different love styles & to become a more well-rounded lover? • How might you go about incorporating the qualities of interpersonal competencies to become a more responsive, more exciting, more playful love partner?

14. Altman/Taylor Social Penetration -Intimacy from Outside to Inside • Breadth Depth

15. Altman/Taylor Social Penetration -Intimacy from Outside to Inside • Breadth CCclichecl Clichés

16. Breadth CCclichecl Depth Clichés Facts

17. Breadth CCclichecl Depth • Opinions Clichés Facts

18. Breadth CCclichecl Depth Feelings Clichés Opinions Facts

19. Why We Form Relationships • Appearance • Beyond initial impressions: • Ordinary-looking people w/ pleasing personalities likely to be judged attractive • Physical factors become less important as relationship progresses-positive illusions are created over time • “Attractive features may open doors, but apparently, it takes more than physical beauty to keep them open.”

20. Form relationships cont. • Similarity-research confirms we like people who are similar to us • The more similar a married couple couple’s personalities, the more likely they are to report being happy & satisfied in their marriage • Provides a measure of ego support • Attraction is greatest when we are similar to others in a high % of important areas • Survive disputes on important subjects • Similarity turns from attraction to dislike when behave is strange or socially offensive

21. Form relationships cont. • Complementarity-opposites attract • Differences strengthen • Successful couples find ways to keep a balance b/t similarities & differences, adjusting to the changes that occur over the years

22. Form relationships cont. • Reciprocal attraction • Attracted to people we believe are attracted to us • I am a likable person • Competence-like to be around talent • Disclosure-builds liking b/c it’s a sign of regard • Proximity-interacting frequently w/ people creates liking • Rewards-social exchange theory-seeking people who give us rewards

23. Interpersonal Attraction Ideals Exercise

24. Evolution of Western Romantic Relationships • Growth Stage • Individuality-needs, goals, love styles, bkgrd, etc. • Invitational communication-social polite, cliché, some facts—(self-concept, proximity, similarity) • Explorational-more facts-exchange of info—opinions begin to emerge—goal is to reduce uncertainty so reciprocity is important—eventually move to casual dating… • Intensifying-falling, intense, idealized, more self-disclosure, positive exaggeration • Revising-reality-perceived problems discussed, moving forward or not • Commitment-stay, life commitments are organized around the relationship, engagement, marriage, live together

25. Navigating • Ongoing process of commitment & management • Relational culture of private rules, understandings, meanings, patterns of acting and interpreting • Relational dialectics • Rituals & rules • Placemaking to create comfortable personal environment reflecting values, taste, experiences • Artifacts, photos, art, music, books, spaces for chats

26. Evolution cont. • Deterioration • Intrapsychic processes-feelings of dissatisfaction, internal thoughts focused on failures, thinking about alternatives • Dyadic processes-breakdown of relational culture Women-communication declines in quality & quantity, one-sidedness (no equity), more tuned into tensions, jealousy of emotional involvements Men-activities decrease, jealousy of sexual involvements • Social support-look to outside for support, family &friends-self-serving, could say things regret later • Grave-dressing processes-accepting the end & burying by making sense of the relationship, what it meant why it failed, how it affected us. Also explaining to others • Resurrection processes-move on, single again, reorganize, break the synchrony

27. Engage in Dual Perspective • We want to know & be known • We want to understand & be understood • We want to know the other takes our perspective into account

28. Practice Safe Sex • Requires communication • Cautious with alcohol & drugs • Do not assume other is not at risk • Acknowledge embarrassment & awkwardness • Use “I” language

29. Manage Conflict Constructively • Romantic relationships can require special attention: • Fragile & lack of skill • Violence & abuse • Women & men alike • Significantly underreported • Reporting = fear of consequences or embarrassment • Stalking • Power=domination • Intervention

30. Adapt Communication to Maintain Long-Distance Relationship • Lack of routine • Unrealistic expectations for time together • Unequal effort invested Understanding this can lead to more loving & passionate experiences when together