Romantic Love, Real Love And The Cycle of Relationships

1. Romantic Love,�Real Love�And The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21a

2. KEY EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP Experience a mysterious and inexplicable "magic" in one another's presence.

3. FALLING IN �LOVE� SEX-LINKED EROTIC EXPERIENCE -THE CHEMICAL COCKTAIL. EFFORTLESS -TALK IS EASY COLLAPSE OF EGO BOUNDARIES ALWAYS PASSES NO EXTENSION OF SELF - NO REACHING BEYOND GOOD FEELING

4. The Language of Romantic Love The Phenomena of Recognition We�ve just met, but I feel like I already know you. Timelessness Feels like I�ve always known you. Reunification When I�m with you I feel complete. I�ve found my other half. Necessity I can�t lie without you. H. Hendrix, getting the Love You Want

5. Romantic Love is an �emotional brain� Phenomena Falling in love Emotional brain - fuses image of lover with primary caretaker Intimate love is the ultimate in caretaking Illusion of safety and security Total absorption Instinctual bonding The way a mother bonds with infant Not the same as mature or �real� love That requires consciousness

6. �REAL� LOVE (COMMITMENT): SCOTT PECK THE WILL TO EXTEND ONESELF FOR THE PURPOSE OF NURTURING ONE�S OWN OR ANOTHER�S SPIRITUAL GROWTH TIES SELF-LOVE WITH LOVE FOR OTHER REQUIRES EFFORT - D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ACT OF MINDFULNESS -WILL, CHOICE

7. MYTH OF ROMANTIC LOVE THERE IS ANOTHER �MEANT FOR YOU� - TRUE LOVE RECOGNITION OF THIS OTHER -YOU �FALL IN LOVE� PERFECT MATCH - SATISFY EACH OTHER FOREVER FALL OUT OF LOVE - DREADFUL MISTAKE SEARCH AGAIN CULTURAL BURDEN

8. MASS MEDIA AND ROMANCE TRADITIONAL FORMULA: THE ENCOUNTER: COURTSHIP THE CONFRONTATION: LOVER�S QUARREL THE SEDUCTION: SEXUAL- INTELLECTUAL CONFESSION OF LOVE: AFTER FIGHTING MARRIAGE: NO DRAMA AFTER THIS REALITY TV HAS IMPROVED ON THIS SITUATION - THROUGH SHOWS LIKE �JESSICA AND NICK� or DR. PHIL WHERE THE DRAMA IS IN THEIR INCOMPETENCE RE DAILY LIFE SKILLS

9. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 1. COMING TOGETHER 5 SUB-STAGES 2. COMING APART 5 SUB-STAGES MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS

11. Romantic Love,�Real Love�And The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21b

12. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING TOGETHER ANSWERING THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS REDUCING UNCERTAINTY

13. THE THREE KEY QUESTIONS What�s going on? The purpose of the talk, are we going to get through this conversation smoothly? . Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? Particularly noticeable at moments like the first time you meet someone We let others know about the kind of people we are and how they are (in our eyes) What is going to happen next? Are we going to do something together (instrumental), or simply connect in the moment (relational). Discovering what we are going to do next also shapes our communication in the moment.

14. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING TOGETHER 1. INITIATING INVITATIONAL COMMUNICATION: SCAN EACH OTHER FOR INTEREST - WATCH RESPONSE CONNECT TALK: RITUAL CONVERSATION STARTERS CAUTIOUS VS. CONVENTIONAL - AR

15. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 2. EXPERIMENTING TRY DIFFERENT TOPICS - CONNECT TALK-LOOKING FOR SIMILARITIES - SOMETHING IN COMMON ANY PERCEIVED RECIPROCITY OF LIKING 3. INTENSIFYING INCREASE RELATIONSHIP DEPTH THRU PERSONAL KNOWLEDGE - self-disclosure - opening �box 3� PHYSICAL CLOSENESS CREATING A PRIVATE CULTURE

16. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. INTEGRATING THEY AND OTHERS CONSIDERS THEM A COUPLE SYMBOLIC ID - RING, OUR SONG, PLACE VALUE MORE OF SAME THINGS, FOCUS ON SOME PARTS OF PERSONALITY-MINIMIZE OTHERS REINFORCES THE CONSISTENCY PRINCIPLE: The more we communicate with someone similar to us on the surface, the more similar we become to them in deeper ways, e.g. in our attitudes towards particular issues. WE ARE CREATING AN �US� CAN LEAD TO A COMMITMENT TO PERMANENCY 5. BONDING FORMAL RITUALS -ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE, LIVE TOGETHER GAIN SOCIAL SUPPORT - ESTABLISH RELATIONSHIP RULES

17. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

20. Romantic Love,�Real Love�And The Cycle of Relationships Lecture 21c

21. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

23. COMING APART: REVIEW OF KEY FACTORS UNRESOLVED TENSIONS AUTONOMY/CONNECTION SHARING OF SPACE VS.DISTANCE TO MAINTAIN INDIVIDUAL IDENTITY NOVELTY/PREDICTABILITY BALANCE ROUTINE WITH NEW EXPERIENCES OPENNESS/CLOSENESS SHARED THOUGHTS SHATTERED EXPECTATIONS 1. TRUST 2. INTIMACY 3. ACCEPTANCE 4. SUPPORT 5. PRACTICAL ASSISTANCE INCOMPLETE SELF DISCLOSURE AREAS OF SELF: OPEN, HIDDEN, BLIND, UNKNOWN PROBLEMATIC FIGHTING STYLES � VOICES� USED PARENT, CHILD, ADULT TYPE OF TALK LIGHT - HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. - ACTIVE VS. PASSIVE D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. CONFLICT RESOLUTION Forcing-Accommodation-Avoidance-Compromise-Collaboration

24. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 1. DIFFERENTIATING NOTICE AND FOCUS ON DIFFERENCES

26. THREE KEY QUESTIONS: RENEGOTIATING THE ANSWERS Question number two is key: Who am I to you and who are you to me in this situation? �You�re not the person I married�.I thought I knew?� �What�s happened to you�� �I thought you liked my cooking, mother, father, ideas on�..� �When did you start getting interested in �. What�s going on? �What do you mean�you need your space?� �What are we really talking about here?�. REMEMBER, HEAVY CONTROL IS ABOUT INTENTION, TRUTH, BLAME. What is going to happen next? Are we going on together or not? Are we adjusting, changing, struggling some more, leaving?�

27. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS COMING APART 2. CIRCUMSCRIBING REDUCE FREQUENCY- INTIMACY OF COMMUNICATION �HOT� TOPICS AVOIDED TO REDUCE FIGHTS INCREASED FORMALITY 3. STAGNATING �HOLDING ON� FOR OTHER REASONS RELATIONSHIP NO LONGER DISCUSSED

28. THE MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE Repeated Complaining and criticizing leads to Contempt, which leads to Defensiveness, which leads to Listener Withdrawal from interaction (stonewalling). See Gottman in Additional Reading 15

29. MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt

30. MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE: Flooding and Contempt

31. LIFE CYCLE OF RELATIONSHIPS 4. AVOIDING PHYSICAL OR PSYCHOLOGICAL SEPARATION SEEK SUPPORT FROM FRIENDS/FAMILY 5. TERMINATING LONGER THE RELATIONSHIP MORE PAINFUL SPECIFIC SEPARATION MESSAGES

32. MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS PROSOCIAL BEHAVIORS POLITE, CHEERFUL, FRIENDLY; AVOID CRITICISM; COMPROMISE EVEN WHEN IT INVOLVES SELF-SACRIFICE. TALKING ABOUT A SHARED FUTURE CEREMONIAL BEHAVIORS CELEBRATE BIRTHDAYS,ANNIVERSARIES DISCUSSING PAST PLEASURABLE TIMES EAT AT FAVORITE RESTAURANT

33. MAINTAINING RELATIONSHIPS �TOGETHERNESS� BEHAVIORS DOING THINGS AS A COUPLE, JOINT ACTIVITIES, CONTROL �EXTERNAL-TO-RELATIONSHIP� ACTIVITIES COMMUNICATION BEHAVIORS CALL JUST TO SAY, "HOW ARE YOU?" LISTENING ACTIVELY, USING D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. ABOUT SHARED FEELINGS, ABOUT THE IMPORTANCE OF THE RELATIONSHIP. RESPOND CONSTRUCTIVELY IN A CONFLICT: FAIR FIGHTING

34. Four Effective Problem-Solving Skills in a Long-Term Relationship Physiological soothing Basic to all other skills Calming self Softened start-up Descriptive I-Messages Open Acknowledgement Repair and De-escalation Metacommunication Accepting influence Compromise Based on common ground See Textbook