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Power and Passivity in Relationships

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Power and Passivity in Relationships

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  1. To run this PowerPoint on your own. Press Spacebar to advance. Also > (left arrow) and < (right arrow) may work. There are 52 slides with a lot of in-slide animation. Power and Passivityin Relationships Understanding the Dynamics of Emotional Symbiosis Based on Harville Hendrix Presentation “The Disease of the Disease” 9/30/94 ColoradoQuest By Al Turtle November 7, 2008 al.turtlecounseling.com

  2. This is a presentation of my ideas, beliefs, discoveries, and understandings. It is based on my forty years of studies, experiments, trials, and reflective teaching. My path has led me through college, extended post-graduate work, and into the therapy room – from both ends. In the past 14 years I have closely observed the troubles of well over 2400 couples. al.turtlecounseling.com

  3. With all that said, this is still just a collection of my opinions. They are my best ideas, but still only mine. I expect you to disagree. I hope you disagree. I share my thoughts with you so that you may add something new to your own thinking, beliefs, and practices. If you find some ideas useful, I encourage you to use it. If you don’t find them useful, drop them in the wastebasket on the way out. al.turtlecounseling.com

  4. Questions I have enjoyed hearing • Power and Control • Gender politics • Exposure of children • Efficacy of Batterer Treatment Programs • Perpetrator/Victim discussions • Prediction and Prevention • “Stop it” one step before it happens al.turtlecounseling.com

  5. In the Therapy Room • “70% of couples are pre-DV” • ? Value of Couples Therapy in DV • My experience • 100% of couples I see are Pre-DV • 40% admit to DV in the first session • 90% of those admit to witnessing DV in families al.turtlecounseling.com

  6. Start from New Place • Decade ago I repeatedly witnessed Marriage Therapists become verbally violent among each other. • Shift in syntax and use of words • Marriage violence extends into 2nd & 3rd marriages even if Individual Counseling involved. • Marriage Therapist divorce rate very high. • Also for police, firemen, those with “degrees of difficulty” (PhDs, LLDs, MDs, DDs, and especially ex-military • School violence studies and “bullying” • Secrecy, blindness • Blame and guilt of caretakers/guardians/teachers, etc. al.turtlecounseling.com

  7. Bully A person who wants their way, and if they don’t get it, they make other people unhappy. al.turtlecounseling.com

  8. Emotional Symbiosis • A belief that there is a correct way to view or value everything. • A limited awareness that all people see everything differently. • A tendency to denigrate, demean, put down, kill others when they display their difference. H. Hendrix 1994 al.turtlecounseling.com

  9. Familiar Tone of Efficiency Truth System • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important Ask the Master MASTER B&W SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  10. Familiar Tone of Efficiency Unstable Truth System • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important MASTER B&W 1) Never know when the “obedient” slave will rebel, revolt, quit, leave. Slaves do not talk. SLAVE SLAVE 2) Masters make all the decisions, but know ½ the information on which to base those decisions. They often make poor decisions. al.turtlecounseling.com

  11. Humiliate, degrade, demote, shame, ridicule, intimidate, beat down, hit, etc. Threaten: “All people think this..” “Patriots think this…” “Everyone sane knows that….” “All right minded people believe ….” Familiar Tone of Efficiency Unstable Truth System MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W SLAVE Punishment System Pushdown al.turtlecounseling.com

  12. Familiar Tone of Efficiency Unstable Truth System MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W SLAVE Punishment System Pushdown Pushout Fire, excommunicate, discharge, exile, shun, ostracize, eject, divorce, “send to your room” Threaten: “My way or the highway” al.turtlecounseling.com

  13. Familiar Tone of Efficiency Unstable Truth System MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W SLAVE Punishment System Pushdown To me, arguing is a hopeful sign. Both want something better. Pushout Symptom #1 One person is quiet. Symptom #2 Arguing Two trying to be Master at the same time, or both avoiding being Slave. Both using Punishment Systems! Two Bullies. al.turtlecounseling.com

  14. Familiar American Revolution Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Must be trained. Boot Camp! Unstable Democracy Consider teenagers One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important Natural Win - Win B&W Win FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient in the short run. In the long run it is much more efficient, just slow! Requires Patience Lose Pushdown Pushout Fortunately this is an adult skill everyone can learn. US Government Executive Branch US Government Legislative Branch al.turtlecounseling.com

  15. Familiar American Revolution Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important Natural Win - Win B&W Win FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience Lose Pushdown NO TRUTH Multiple Points of View Pushout A skill to be learned, not a fixed trait. An adult skill. Children are born impatient. Must be learned. Humans are designed to learn it. Truth is outside the system. Everyone experiences it differently. With one vote each, who has the truth? If you don’t learn it, you will be attracted to Master/Slave. al.turtlecounseling.com

  16. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” A sentence that implies a single truth exists. Master has that truth. Threatens any who disagree. Purpose is to keep order. POWER. Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience Pushdown NO TRUTH Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue A sentence that implies a single truth exists, Slave doesn’t have it. Signals conformity, obedience, conflict avoidance. POWERLESSNESS. A sentence that implies more than one view of the truth exists. It makes room for sharing, especially of disagreement. SHARED POWER. al.turtlecounseling.com

  17. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience Pushdown NO TRUTH Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue al.turtlecounseling.com

  18. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience Pushdown NO TRUTH Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue al.turtlecounseling.com

  19. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Benefits ? Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W Benefits All responsibility Control FRIEND FRIEND • Peaceful • Fair • Respectful • Reliable • Trust building • Enduring SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience No responsibility Pushdown NO TRUTH! Multiple Points of View Benefits ? Pushout Dialogue All people are responsible, 24/7 Blame For What? Victimicity Requires Boundary Skills al.turtlecounseling.com

  20. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Learn: make it familiar Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W Control FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience No responsibility Pushdown NO TRUTH! Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue • Symptoms: • One person is quiet, • Arguing, • Blame, Guilt, • Victimicity, innocence • MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 For What? Must learn Boundary Skills Good Boundary Skills al.turtlecounseling.com

  21. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W Control FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience No responsibility Pushdown NO TRUTH! Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue PASSIVE MASTER All people are responsible, 24/7 Wants Control and No responsibility For What? Uses Punishment System w/o Truth System. Good Boundary Skills al.turtlecounseling.com

  22. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W Control FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience No responsibility Pushdown NO TRUTH! Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue PASSIVE MASTER • How many kids in your family? Add 2. • When all together who was boss/bully/Master? • Take away & now who? All people are responsible, 24/7 Control & No Responsibility For What? Good Boundary Skills Always learn both positions. al.turtlecounseling.com

  23. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk • Goals • Durably stay in Friend/Friend. • Recognize Master/Slave behaviors. • Dialogically invite people to join you. Gently & firmly insist. Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy Easiest One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W Control FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Very, very difficult. Punishment System Difficult. Very inefficient Requires Patience No responsibility Pushdown NO TRUTH! Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue PASSIVE MASTER Harder All people are responsible, 24/7 Control & No Responsibility For What? Good Boundary Skills al.turtlecounseling.com

  24. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W Control FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience No responsibility Pushdown NO TRUTH! Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue PASSIVE MASTER • Symptoms: • One person is quiet, • Arguing, • Blame, Guilt, • Victimicity, innocence • MasterTalk All people are responsible, 24/7 Control & No Responsibility For What? Good Boundary Skills al.turtlecounseling.com

  25. Familiar American Revolution MasterTalk Tone of Efficiency “Allergic reaction to being slave.” Unstable Democracy One person – one vote Truth System Unfamiliar Very stable MASTER • True • Right • Fact • Real • Important B&W Control FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE Punishment System Very inefficient Requires Patience No responsibility Pushdown NO TRUTH! Multiple Points of View Pushout Dialogue PASSIVE MASTER All people are responsible, 24/7 • Symptoms: • One person is quiet, • Arguing, • Blame, Guilt, • Victimicity, innocence • MasterTalk Control & No Responsibility For What? Good Boundary Skills Power and Powerlessness in Couples, Part One al.turtlecounseling.com

  26. POWER RELATIONSHIPS DIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Mature, functional relating Super-normal PASSIVE MASTER PASSIVE MASTER MASTER MASTER LEADER MASTER FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND SLAVE FOLLOWER SLAVE SLAVE PASSIVE MASTER al.turtlecounseling.com

  27. Cautionary Note • Today we will discuss many specific indicators and interactions of Power and Powerlessness. This may give you significantly increased insight into your own behavior habits and into those of others. • Please remember • People we see in our offices are what I call “Normal,” with a desire to do much better. This gives us a contract to work with/for them. Be helpful. • Most people around us (friends, family, associates, etc) I usually see as “Normal.” Though they may display many of the indicators we talk of today, I don’t believe we have a contract to work with them. Consider remaining quiet. • People who are moving toward, close to, or in “Conscious Marriage,” will display more and more of the indicators of being Dialogical. Enjoy being with them. • I have found this material to be very empowering. I have also found it to trigger explosive reactions in others. al.turtlecounseling.com

  28. POWER RELATIONSHIPS DIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Mature, functional relating Super-normal Dis-Integrating Integrating PASSIVE MASTER MASTER LEADER FRIEND FRIEND FOLLOWER SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  29. POWER RELATIONSHIPS DIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Mature, functional relating Super-normal PASSIVE MASTER MASTER LEADER Level 1-up FRIEND FRIEND Peer Level FOLLOWER SLAVE Level 1-down al.turtlecounseling.com

  30. POWER RELATIONSHIPS DIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Mature, functional relating Super-normal Temporary Positions PASSIVE MASTER • Temporary organization related to a specific situation. • “A hierarchy is a compromise between a group’s need to support diversity, and its need to make decisions.” • Examples: business, military, cars, boats, airplanes MASTER LEADER consensual FRIEND FRIEND • Reasons • Functional, skilled leaders • Emergency • Property FOLLOWER SLAVE consensual al.turtlecounseling.com

  31. POWER RELATIONSHIPS DIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Normal Mature, functional relating Super-normal PASSIVE MASTER MASTER LEADER FRIEND FRIEND FOLLOWER SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  32. POWER RELATIONSHIPS DIALOGICAL RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Mature, functional relating Valley of the Masters PASSIVE MASTER MASTER LEADER FRIEND FRIEND FOLLOWER SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  33. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters PASSIVE MASTER MASTER SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  34. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER PASSIVE MASTER SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  35. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat/temper to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Do this! Think this! Or else! SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  36. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she/wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Do this! Think this! Or else. What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE An obedient servant / caretaker Conflict avoidant Intuits others “getting upset.” Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others. What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! al.turtlecounseling.com

  37. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others Do this! Think this! Or else. I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! al.turtlecounseling.com

  38. MasterTalk • “You are wrong…” • “This is a fact…” • “The truth is…” • “What we are really talking about is…” • “That is not what we are talking about…” • “I know what you are thinking…” • “What is going on is…” • “You are cruel…” • “We all know…” POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER PASSIVE MASTER • Control what is said • “Don’t say that…” • “You’d better learn to control what you are saying…” • “I don’t think I should tell you…” • “I don’t want to say…” • “If you don’t know how to say it nicely, say nothing…” • “Hold your tongue, young man!” • “Children are to be seen and not heard.”  SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  39. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER PASSIVE MASTER • Take care of me • “I need this.” followed by waiting. • “I have this problem.” followed by waiting. • “That hurt me.” followed by waiting. • “You’re mean.” followed by waiting. • “That is a hurtful joke.” followed by waiting. • “I can’t stand it.” followed by waiting. • “You are giving me a headache.” followed by waiting.  • “That scares me.” followed by waiting. • Control what is said • “Don’t say that…” • “I can’t listen to that.” • “You’d better learn to control what you are saying…” • “I don’t want to hear any more.” • “If you don’t know how to say it nicely, say nothing…” SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  40. POWER RELATIONSHIPS • Avoiding Responsibility • “I don’t know.” • “I am lost.” • “I am helpless.” • “Why do I do that?” • “I don’t know what to do.” • “I have nothing to say.” Silence Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER PASSIVE MASTER • I am responsible for you • “I don’t want to upset her.” • “I can’t say that. It would hurt him.” • “What did I do wrong?” • “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything.” • “I want everyone to like me.” • “I hate conflict.” • “Please, don’t cry.” • “Don’t say that!” • “I won’t do it again. I promise!” • “I’m sorry, I hurt you.” • The repeated use of “OK” at the end saying something. • Almost all instances of political correctness are examples of a Slave to Passive-Master communication. • Fill me. I am empty. • “What is the right way to do that?” • “What should I do?” • “Tell me what to do.” • “What is correct?” • “Did I really do that?” • “Take care of me?” • “Am I right?” • “What are we going to do?” • “Do I make any sense?” • “You tell me!” SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

  41. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER PASSIVE MASTER Do this! Think this! Or else. I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What is in it for the slave? al.turtlecounseling.com

  42. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER PASSIVE MASTER Do this! Think this! Or else. I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! What is in it for the slave? al.turtlecounseling.com

  43. What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters al.turtlecounseling.com

  44. What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters • Created in early childhood • Submitting, normally a temporary survival tactic, in this situation has morphed into a semi-permanent posture. • “Stockholm-syndrome” and “Learned helplessness” • “I will survive if I conform, submit, don’t upset anyone, make their lives better, and keep them happy.” • Codependency al.turtlecounseling.com

  45. What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters Clinger Version: seeks connection, with more or less panic, and when attachment is “achieved” begins to submit in order to be comfortable, survive. • Created in early childhood • Submitting, normally a temporary survival tactic, in this situation has morphed into a semi-permanent posture. • Reptilian Brain Avoider form: is passive about connection.  When alone, this person functions peacefully with no panic.  When another appears, they immediately begin to submit as a way to be comfortable, survive. al.turtlecounseling.com

  46. Early Childhood “People always take care of my needs. I have only to ask or complain.” These have made it into adulthood w/o learning to earn what they get. Early Childhood “Threat / temper works. It gets me what I want.” Lesson is taught by parents who are Slaves. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others “Passive Slaves Make Passive Masters.” “Passive Slaves Make Bullies.” Do this! Think this! Or else. I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! Early childhood “I will survive if I conform, submit, don’t upset anyone, make their lives better, and keep them happy.” Masters and Passive Masters make Slaves al.turtlecounseling.com

  47. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she ants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others “Adult Passive Slaves Encourage Adult Passive Masters.” “Adult Passive Slaves Encourage Adult Bullies.” Do this! Think this! Or else. I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! Adult Masters and Passive Masters Encourage Slaves It takes teamwork. “Dysfunctional Dialogue” al.turtlecounseling.com

  48. Be not a caretaker, yourself. • Turn the pause into an invitation for their solution. • They must learn to earn what they get. • Dialogue about their choices, but leave the decision up to them. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Break up the blindness. Develop their empathy skills. End the temper and threats. Never permit bullying. (Use Boundary Skills and TimeOuts.) Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she/wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others A Bit Harder Easiest Do this! Think this! Or else. I need this…. This upsets me …. (passive waiting) What do you need? Are you upset? How can I help? SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others What should I do? What should I think? I’ll be good! Cut them off from “authorities” and “needy” people. Guide them to learning how they act, how they got that way, sharing their story with others. Guide them into awareness of self and self-responsibility. Most rewarding. “Like giving birth to a self.” al.turtlecounseling.com

  49. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants. Uses threat to get it. Very poor empathy skills. PASSIVE MASTER Entitlement Wants what he/she wants Displays “distress” to get it Dependent on others SLAVE A caretaker / obedient servant Intuits other people getting upset. Conflict avoidant Very poor self-nurturing skills. Very dependent on others al.turtlecounseling.com

  50. POWER RELATIONSHIPS Immature, dysfunctional relating Valley of the Masters PASSIVE MASTER MASTER SLAVE al.turtlecounseling.com

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