Tag Team

1. Tag Team Raising Children of Divorce, Co-Parenting and Step-Parenting

2. (Finally)Deals with Kids and Divorce http://vimeo.com/55126660

3. Parental Cooperation Parents’ Pattern Children’s Behaviors when Exposed to Prolonged Parental Conflict Withdrawal Poor self-esteem Low academic performance Rebellion Aggression Delinquency High-risk activities (drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. • 12% “Pals” • 25% “Angry Associates” • 25% “Fiery Foes” – only ones who are totally uncooperative • 38% “Cooperative Colleagues”

4. Goals for Divorced Parents • Create a partnership for raising children • Communicate in non-blaming ways • Find mutually satisfying solutions • Focus on the children • Focus on the present • Assume a businesslike demeanor • Formalize parenting roles and responsibilities • Eliminating all issues except parenting • Set goal of reaching agreement, not winning • Work on building new, separate lives

5. Remember, we can not change another person. But, we can often bring about change by the way we interact with that other person.

6. Listening Children’s emotional hurts must be handled with care. Instead of ignoring, denying or minimizing children’s feelings, we must use reflective listening to open doors for honest communication. Reflective Listening Exercise

7. Take care of yourself If a parent is not doing well emotionally, they cannot effectively help their children cope or meet their needs. (Think of it like putting your oxygen mask on first in an airline emergency, then your child’s) Parents need to heal, carve out a new identity and use self-discipline. 3 stages of Divorce Crisis stage Short-term aftermath Long-range period

8. Steps for successful recovery from divorce • Accept that the marriage is over and view it as an opportunity for growth • Accept the role you played in the breakup • Take personal responsibility for rebuilding your life • Gain a new sense of identity • Rebuild healthy self-esteem

9. With children involved, former spouses must continue relationships indefinitely. It is not the divorce that devastates children, but rather the way their parents handle the divorce.

10. Both children and adults need an average of 2 years to regain a sense of equilibrium. • The manner in which parents handle the divorce dictates the severity of the effects on the children.

11. In depth study by Wallerstein and Kelly

12. Infants and Toddlers • Too young to understand family structures • Very intuitive about stress and emotions of caregivers • Recognize and react to absence of a parent • Require consistent caregiving • Fear of abandonment • Excessive crying • Irritability • Clinginess • Changes in sleeping or eating patterns • Temper tantrums • Regression

13. Preschoolers • View parents as a unit • Think if one parent can leave, the other may too • Parents stopped loving each other, so may stop loving me • Misdirect anger • May mask feelings • Insecurity and confusion with transition between 2 homes • Heightened fears • Not wanting parent out of sight • Insecurity • Regression • Constant need to be held or cuddled • Whining • Aggression • Sleeping/eating disorders

14. Early Elementary (5-9 years old) • Worry about everything (money, visits, home…) • Problems concentrating in school • Fight and argue • Anger at absent parent shown toward custodial parent out of fear • Social isolation • Intense grief • Argumentative • Withdrawn • Inability to concentrate • Magnified fears • Anger • Loneliness

15. Preadolescents (9 to 12 year olds) • Intense desire to fix it • Accuse both parents of being inconsiderate of their needs • Tends to take sides with one parent • Struggle with guilt, regret and resentment • Need to resolve parental conflicts • Rejection • Anger directed at one or both parents • Physical complaints • Changes in eating/sleeping

16. Divorced parents have predictable behaviors that may place children “in the middle”…Take a closer look at 7 of these behaviors and how they feel to children…

17. 1. Sabotaging child’s relationship with other parent Out of anger toward ex-spouse, one parent may: 1. Attempt to interfere with child’s time with the other parent • Deny opportunity to talk on the telephone with them • Try to damage the parent’s image to the child The child is the one being hurt as they need meaningful relationships with both parents

18. 2. Criticizing and Blaming the Other Parent Children form their own identity from their early identification with their parents. So when we criticize, devalue or blame a parent we attack the child. They feel as if they are being put down and take it personally. Children have profound loyalty to both parents. For child’s own emotional and psychological welfare, they need to hold on to positive images of both parents.

19. 3. Using Children to Carry Messages Being caught in the middle creates loyalty conflicts and forces dishonesty. Very painful for the child to have to carry messages that evoke anger or hurt to a parent.

20. 4. Using Children to Resolve Money Issues Generally both parents are now forced to change their lifestyles. Setting up 2 households on an income which financed one is a strain and resentment ensues. Children feel guilty when parents argue over money or complain about not receiving their fair share. It makes child question their own worth. If a parent is not paying child support, children think parent doesn’t love them anymore.

21. 5. Inconsistencies about Rules and Expectations Children need boundaries to feel secure and loved. Circumstances may require some changes, but retaining basic rules of acceptable behavior, homework, bedtime and curfew, etc. gives a sense of equilibrium. Parents must back each other up, and enforce rules. Neither parent needs to become child’s “buddy”.

22. 6. Pumping Children About the Other Parent’s Personal Life Creates loyalty conflicts in child and forces them to lie or cover up. It feels like they are forced to spy on their own parent. Children come to resent the quizzing, interrogating parent for putting them in that position.

23. 7. Using Children as a Surrogate Partner Parents feel intense loss and loneliness and may lean too heavily on child to meet parent’s needs. Parent may place adult-like responsibilities on a child. Children should not be placed in a position of feeling responsible for a parent’s happiness and well being. Parents should establish an adult support system to nurture themselves. Children need normal lives and their right to be a child must be respected.

24. How can parents help? • Frequent reassurances of love and care from both parents • Respond lovingly and patiently to needs to cuddle • No shame for regression behaviors • Need permission to love the other parent • Consistency in routines and expectations for behavior in both homes; frequent and regular visits • Avoid criticizing or confronting other parent in front of child • Don’t take child’s anger personally, but help them express their feelings appropriately • Communicate with older children openly about the divorce, but use discretion • Don’t force child to take sides • Flexible visitations with older children to allow for school and extracurricular activities

25. Step-parenting What are some different names for this type of family?

26. Blended • Remarried • Step • Reconstituted • Second • Weekend Parents • His, mine, ours

27. By way of definition: • A stepfamily is a family in which there is an adult couple in the household with at least one of the adults having a child by a previous marriage or relationship • Is not abnormal • Is not a second-class version of the nuclear family • Structure is different, so trying to fit it into the “first-married” family model can put pressure on everyone in the family

28. Unique Characteristics of Step-Families • Are all built on loss • History between parent and child goes back further than that between the two spouses • Members of family come from different backgrounds, traditions, and lifestyles • Stepparents and stepchildren are not legally related to each other. • Stepfamily lives with the seen or unseen presence of the ex-spouse • Children, in most cases, have 2 different households and travel back and forth • Money issues become more complicated and emotional • Stepfamily members need to choose names or titles for one another

29. Changes in Roles and Responsibilities • Birth order of children • Spouse might become a first time parent • Spouse must share parental role for the first time in a long time • Roles around the house change or get reassigned • Instant family may be a sudden reality

30. Predictable Issues that Arise • Expecting instant obedience (discipline issues) • Visiting stepchild (transitions between households) • Ex-spouse relationships • Money conflicts • Problems becoming first time parent • Helping children adjust to remarriage, step-parenting and step-sibling relationships

31. Stepchild/Stepparent • The basic conditions for a close relationship are not naturally present • The stepchild’s entrance into the stepparent’s life is incidental to their relationship with their spouse

32. Parent/Child • Relationship has been in existence since before the stepfamily, but will have to change • Child may find it difficult to include another parent in the family group • My have resentment toward the bio-parent for bringing an “intruder” into the family • Parent must shift primary importance to allow new spouse to become primary. Child will view this as a “loss” and parent needs to spend (a limited amount of) time alone with the child to help minimize these feelings • The parent who does not live with the child may try to overcompensate during the times he/she is with the child

33. Stepsiblings • Jealousies will arise • Child did not choose these new members of their family • Adults must let the children form their own type of relationships • Provide opportunities for stepsiblings to do things together • Adults must structure the family rules so they are enforced fairly and stepsibling comparison is discouraged

34. Halfsiblings • New baby can be enormous threat to children already in the stepfamily • New child, belonging to both parents, alters the child’s adjustment to the new family • New child puts a more solid stamp of permanence on the new marriage • On the positive side, each child in the stepfamily now has a special link with the new child who serves as a center of unity for the family.

35. Extended Family • Relatives can be a source of tension and friction • New in-laws are created • How to relate to former in-laws must be dealt with • While children gain many new relatives, scheduling conflicts can be created

36. Stepfamily Myths and Unrealistic Expectations • These are based on stereotypes • These are the greatest stumbling block in building a new stepfamily

37. Myth # 1 Stepfamilies should work just like nuclear families The truth: Remember the differences we just talked about?

38. Myth # 2 Love me, love my child / the whole package deal The truth: The relationship between stepparent and stepchild may take a long time to develop. Produces guilt in the stepparent who may not love the stepchild. The relationship may turn out to be one of mutual respect only. Cannot expect same bonding as biological parent.

39. Myth # 3 The wicked stepmother / stepfather The truth: From fairy tales and perpetuated by the movies and TV Danger is that stepparents may go overboard and try to overcompensate, resulting in resentment and disappointment

40. Myth # 4 The “Brady Bunch” will be created The truth: This TV show was a false model to all of us about how a blended family works. We were led to believe there should be “instant love and obedience” and that harmony will prevail. Real stepfamilies have conflicts over discipline, different family traditions and difficult relationships.

41. Myth # 5 Marriage is easier the second time around. The truth: Both spouses anticipate another chance to succeed and hopes are high. Having learned from the first-go-round, they believe they should be able to have the perfect marriage and family. Stepfamilies are unique, and remarried couples can expect difficulties.

42. Step-families go through predictable stages during the adjustment to life together.

43. 1. Illusion Fantasy Reality This fantasy does not provide a firm foundation to begin life together Family members may be urged to deny disappointments, loss, unhappiness, anger or conflict and carry on as a nuclear family • The past will not intrude on our wonderful future • New step-family will make up for any inadequacies suffered by children during or after the breakup of the previous marriage.

44. 2. Anxiety Fears Needs Need to realize feeling unsettled is normal Expression of feelings needs to be allowed Boundaries and roles need to be clarified Communication is essential • Illusion of “instant love” fades and everyone begins to feel something is wrong • Fear of failure = anxiety • Stepparent may become alienated from existing parent/child unit • Discipline problems increase • Roles are confusing; children may be afraid this isn’t going to work • Stress between child’s 2 households increases

45. 3. Chaos Reality Progress As movement through issues continues, trust begins to grow Rules get established Decision making processes are put in place Resolution builds family unity and relationships Support of a professional counselor or support groups for step-parents may be helpful • Suddenly everything is out in the open and nothing is resolved • Family members may take sides • Some feel they are at a crisis point

46. 4. Identity and “Us-ness” • Stability begins to take place • Sense of being a family develops • Acceptance of each other’s differences • Learn to adapt • Become open to change • Need to compete lessens • Understanding replaces fear • Step-parent’s role begins to become clearly defined

47. 5. Commitment • Members choose to be a family and proceed forward • Choice to be connected to each other helps make change less threatening • There are still disappointments, ambivalence, sadness and anger • There is also joy, closeness and satisfaction

48. In Conclusion In stepfamilies, reality is the key. Realistic expectations must be communicated. In business, two companies planning to merge lay out very careful plans for the restructuring of theorganization, property and responsibilities. Stepfamilies need to take the time and energy to plan their merger.

49. Parents Can Help Children Adapt • Be sensitive to child’s feelings and encourage expression of them 2. Bio-parent needs to continue to have some one-on-one time with his/her child after remarriage 3. Let child love both parents 4. Stepparents should not expect instant love from stepchildren

50. Neutralize transitions from one household to the other • If anger is directed at the stepparent, he/she should not take it personally • Build child’s confidence and self-worth by concentrating on the positive, allowing for individual differences • Parents need to be cautious not to unload their troubles onto teenagers