Forgiveness Conversations in Small Groups Daniel Klassen PhD

1. CCPA Annual Convention Victoria 2014 Forgiveness Conversations in Small GroupsDaniel Klassen PhD

2. Forgiveness ConversationsDaniel Klassen PhDdanielklassen77@hotmail.com • Forgiveness Conversations • Table of Contents • Introduction • Session One – Forgiveness Defined • Session Two – A Model of Forgiveness • Session Three – The Anatomy of an Apology • Session Four – Quotations on Forgiveness • Session Five – Forgiveness on the Silver Screen • Session Six – A Theory of Forgiveness • Session Seven – Forgiveness Stories Appendices References

3. Forgiveness Conversations “To wish to be well, is part of becoming well.” Seneca • Introduction • The Evolution of an Offense • You are offended. • The offender crossed a line. • Carelessly, mistakenly, naively, unknowingly or purposely. • When a line is crossed there’s a weight and burden transferred from offender to offended. • You have acquired a debt … owed by the offender. • All this through no choice … desire … wish … want or will of your own … you did not ask for this. • Regardless … you are now connected and in bondage with the offender … because you share in the weight of the debt that was transferred to you and the burden that you somehow acquired.

4. Forgiveness Conversations ”He who forgives takes upon himself the debt of what was done to him. Forgiveness always entails a sacrifice.” Dag Hammarskjold (paraphrased) • Introduction … The Evolution of an Offense • Some describe it as weight, others as a prison or a knot that resists untying. • Day and night you look for relief, for a window to escape from the confines of the prison, a release from the bind you are in. • You are offended on at least two counts: One: … that the offender crossed the line and Two: …that you are now in league with the offender who put this weight on your shoulders and are now stuck with a debt that is owed by the offender and the debt is not being attended to or settled “ I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits that strict justice.” Abraham Lincoln

5. Forgiveness Conversations … “The salient value of mercy is that it allows the offended the choice to withhold justified retaliation, in the face of authentic resentment .” dk • Introduction … The Evolution of an Offense • You have two options: • One … Make the offender pay so that the debt is borne by the offender. In this way you extract the justified debt from the offender through due process of law or by an act of revenge in an attempt to even the score by personal retaliation. • Two … In your search for justice, when the entitled payment for debt is not forthcoming, show respect for yourself by absorbing the debt and cancelling the debt. And as you painfully carry the debt of the offense on your own shoulders you acknowledge that the demands of justice have been met. The offender then owes you nothing. “In every act of mercy the one who is merciful absorbs the debt of the one to whom mercy is shown.” T. Keller

6. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness must [usually] be granted before it is felt.” Tim Keller • Those Who Benefit Most From These Sessions • Have a question, issue, story or idea regarding forgiveness which is kept in mind as the sessions go on. • Express a “take-away value” at the conclusion of each session. • Keep a journal in which to develop one or two ideas which have surfaced in the sessions. “Always forgive your enemies, Nothing annoys them so much.” Oscar Wilde ____________________________________________________________________________________

7. Forgiveness Conversations • Giving and Receiving Forgiveness: Six Directions of Forgiving • Forgiving others … being forgiven by others • Forgiving self … being forgiven by self • Forgiving Creator/God* … being forgiven by Creator/God -------------------------------------------------------- “Most of us can forgive and forget, we just don’t want others to forget that we forgave.” Ivern Ball ____________________________________ * Higher Power/ What Energizes the Universe

8. Forgiveness Conversations“There is nothing that in the end cannot be forgiven, but there remains much that is inexcusable.” Jony in Forgiving the Unforgivable • Your Interest in Forgiveness … A brief conversation • Introductions: Give your name and any other information (below) in regard to forgiveness. As in all of our work, stay well within your comfort zone. • What brings you to the forgiveness group? What is your interest in forgiveness? • Do you have a question, issue, story or idea regarding forgiveness you would like to explore? __________________________________________________ Note: • Tell your own story about how you came to be interested in forgiveness.

9. Forgiveness Conversations • Session One … Forgiveness Defined • Quotation: “ Having looked the beast in the eye, Having asked and received forgiveness, Let us shut the door on the past, Not to forget it, But to allow it not to imprison us.” Desmond Tutu • Structured Exercise: • Forgiving is difficult and involves a lot of hard work. Most people initially resist forgiving while many eventually become forgivers. • What do you feel are some of the greatest impediments, roadblocks and hindrances to forgiving?

10. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness is not an occasional act; It is a permanent attitude.” Martin Luther King • Session One … Forgiveness Defined • Forgiveness Is Not … • An Event: It is a path, a walk, a way and process • Forgetting: It must be remembered • Reconciling: Restoring the relationship may not be wise • Absolution: We don’t have the authority • Pardoning: We do not want to do them a favour

11. Forgiveness Conversations “Whereas hate causes violence that hardens hearts, Love precipitates injuries that break them.” Beverly Flanigan • Session One … Forgiveness Defined • Forgiveness is not … • Excusing: Offenses cannot be excused • Condoning: It can’t be justified • Denying: It must be seen for what it is • Settling: Forgiving is not an inferior choice • Feel Fair: It must be just, but it may not “feel” fair • Unfair: If forgiveness ignores justice it cannot be wholesome

12. Forgiveness Conversations“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it.” Marcus Aurelius • Session One … Forgiveness Defined • Forgiveness Is When … • The offended is able to recognize and acknowledge a defined injustice. • The offended chooses to withhold authentic resentment toward the offender, rather than respond with justified retribution. • The offended grieves the loss and cancels the debt which the offender owes, acknowledging that justice has been done. • Take-Away Value … “My take-away value is …” _________________________________________________ Note: Suggest what your own Take-Away Value is … “As I listen to your stories I’m impressed about how difficult the struggle is to deal with the injustice … it just never ends … it goes on and on”

13. Forgiveness Conversations “… do not hold this debt to their account.” Stephen • Session Two … A Model of Forgiveness • Quotation: • “When we forgive an injustice We do not excuse it, We do not tolerate it, We do not supress it, We look the evil full in the face, Call it what it is, Let its horror shock, stun and enrage us, And only then do we forgive.” Lewis Smedes

14. Forgiveness Conversations“The first and often only person to be healed by forgiveness, is the forgiver.” Lewis Smedes • Session Two … A Model of Forgiveness • Structured Exercise • Resistance to forgiving is usually our first response when we are offended. There are many logical and reasonable motives for resisting. Some are: • “It feels like I am giving up or giving in.” • “It seems like I’m saying she is right and I am wrong.” • “If I forgive, he will just do it again.” • What are other examples of resistance to forgiving that you have encountered or that you may presently have? • ________________________________________________________ • ________________________________________________________ • ________________________________________________________

15. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness is the surrender of all hope for a better past.”Alicia Young • Session Two … • A Model of Forgiveness The Themes of Forgiving • Dealing with Justice • Grieving the Loss • Cancelling the Debt “The moral arc of the universe bends on the elbow of justice.” Martin Luther King ”Nothing makes justice just, But mercy.” Robert Frost

16. Forgiveness Conversations “Justice that love gives is surrender, Justice that law gives is [retribution].” Ghandi • A Model of Forgiveness The Themes of Forgiving • Dealing with Justice • Name the injury • Define the injustice • Rage over the wrong • “I will never be held accountable for what was done to me, but will always be responsible for what I do in return.” Viktor Frankl

17. Forgiveness Conversations“We may be so angry about what is lost that we fail to see what is left.” dk • A Model of Forgiveness The Themes of Forgiving • Grieve the Loss • Knowledge: know the loss – know what was taken. • Acknowledge: claim the loss – separate what was lost from what is left. • Describe your new identity: include this chapter in your story without making it the title of the book; the loss could be a footnote or an appendix. “He defined himself by what was left rather than by what was lost.” The Story of Paganini

18. Forgiveness Conversations “Justice … is the great interest of [humankind], it is the ligament that holds civilized beings and civilized nations together.” Daniel Webster • A Model of Forgiveness The Themes of Forgiving • Cancel the Debt • Every offense incurs a debt • The offender is not paying • The choice is yours … to make the offender pay … or carry the debt yourself “With every act of mercy, The one who is merciful, Bears the debt of the one To whom mercy is shown.” Tim Keller “Mercy does not overlook the injustice, It looks beyond it.” dk ------------------------------------------------------------------ • My “Take- Away Value” for this session is _____________________ ___________________________________________________________.

19. ForgivenessConversations “Justice is not finally about punishment, at the end of the day justice is about mercy.” dk • A Model of Forgiveness • Structured Exercise … a conversation with someone next to you Where Are You? • Consider a forgiveness issue of your own • Where are you on the forgiveness pathway and where is most of your energy focused? • Dealing with Justice • Grieving the Loss • Canceling the Debt “The salient quality of mercy is in offering the offended the choice of withholding justified retribution in the face of authentic resentment.” dk

20. Forgiveness Conversations “It takes one to forgive and two to reconcile.” dk • Session Three … The Anatomy of an Apology • Quotation: • “Never apologize, mister. It’s a sign of weakness.” John Wayne in “She Wore A Yellow Ribbon” (1949) • Structured Exercise: • Apologizing is never easy. But when we apologize we usually want to reconcile with someone we have offended and/or restore a relationship that needs repair. • Using the template given compose an apology for an offense you are aware of or an offense you committed.

21. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds at the heel of the one who crushed it.” Samuel Clemens • The Anatomy of an Apology The Language of Apology • Demonstrate Genuine Empathy: “I hurt you” be specific, concrete and clear … express understanding of the pain you caused. • Accept Responsibility: “I was wrong” … this was a moral choice that you made … not a slip and fall … don’t minimize or excuse. • Express Regret: “I am sorry” … contrition and words expressing sorrow are essential.

22. Forgiveness Conversations“Forgive your enemies, and remember their names.” JFK • The Anatomy of an Apology • The Language of Apology • Make Restitution: “I want to make it up to you …” express a genuine desire to do what it takes to make it right. • Genuine Promise: “I will not do it again.” … “I know I need help.” … “I will make myself responsible to a third party.” … “I cannot allow this to happen again.” • Request Forgiveness: “I know I don’t deserve it.” … “I know it is too much to ask, but could you forgive me?”

23. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness is the oil of relationships.” McDowell • The Anatomy of an Apology • When Apologizing Do Not: • Explain: “I know what it looks like, but I need to explain …” • Rationalize: “If you look at it rationally …” • Normalize: “ Wouldn’t anyone have done the same thing …” • Editorialize: “Looking at it objectively as an outsider …” • Justify: “With all that was going on my options were limited …” • Excuse: “I was just not myself … “ • Analyze: “The cold hard facts add up to this …” • Describe: “This is the way it happened …” • Weigh the Bad Against the Good : “Adding up all the good I’ve done …” • ANY ATTEMPT AT ANY OF THE ABOVE DIMINISHES THE APOLOGY

24. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness does not change the past, it transforms the future.” Paul Boese • The Anatomy of an Apology • The Meaning of an Apology • What the Offender is Saying • “I want relationship with you” • “My desire is to reconcile” • “I hope to restore our friendship” What the Offended is Understanding • “I am valued and affirmed” • “I’m not to blame for the whole thing” • “I‘m worthy of respect and truth” • My “Take-Away Value” for this session is ___________________ __________________________________________________________

25. Forgiveness Conversations “He wrapped himself in quotations – as a beggar would enfold himself in the purple of emperors.” Kipling (1893) • Session Four… • Quotations on Forgiveness • Quotation: • “It is a good thing … to read books of quotations. Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations is an admirable work, and I studied it intently. The quotations, when engraved upon the memory, give you good thoughts. They also make you anxious to read the authors and look for more.” Winston Churchill in My Early Life (1930) • Structured Exercise: • Jerry Seinfeld in a “Late Night” interview with David Letterman once described good humour as “density of thought”. Perhaps that could also be said of a good quotation. It reduces a significant thought into a small space and it’s most dense form. • Participants in this session, will each bring their favourite quotation on forgiveness and facilitate a brief discussion on its merits.

26. Forgiveness Conversations “As we forgive, our desire to cancel the debt must be greater than our thirst for revenge.” dk • Quotations on Forgiveness • The Need for Revenge • “There is one major flaw in the law of revenge, it never settles the score.” Philip Yancey • “Where un-forgiveness reigns … a Newtonian law comes into play. For every atrocity there must be an equal and opposite atrocity.” Lance Morrow • “The only remedy for the inevitability of history is forgiveness; otherwise we remain trapped in the predicament of irreversibility.” Hannah Arendt • “Vengeance is the lazy man’s justice.” The Interpreter DVD

27. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness is the sweetest revenge.” Friedman • Quotations on Forgiveness • General • “If one by one we counted people out for the least of sins, it wouldn’t take us long, until we had no one left to live with. For to be social is to be forgiving.” Robert Frost • “He who cannot forgive, burns the bridge over which he himself must cross in order to be forgiven.” George Herbert • “Forgiving does not erase the bitter past, a healed memory is not a deleted memory. Instead, forgiving what we cannot forget, creates a new way to remember … we change the memory of our past into hope for the future.” Lewis Smedes

28. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness is yielding my right to hurt you for hurting me.” anon • Quotations on Forgiveness • Humour • “Everyone thinks forgiveness is a good idea until they have someone to forgive.” C.S. Lewis • “If we practice an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, soon the world will be blind and toothless.” Ghandi • “Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them more.” Oscar Wilde • “Most of us can forgive and forget, we just don’t want the other to forget that we forgave.” Ivern Ball • “If you can’t forgive and forget … pick one.” Robert Brandt • “No one forgets where they buried the hatchet.” Frank McKinney

29. Forgiveness Conversations“How much more grievous are the consequences of anger, than the causes of it.” MarcusAurelius • Quotations on Forgiveness • Anger • “You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” Buddha • “When we forgive an injustice We do not excuse it, We do not tolerate it, We do not supress it, We look the evil full in the face, Call it what it is, Let its horror shock, stun and enrage us, Only then do we forgive. Lewis Smedes

30. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness means bearing the cost for [another’s] misdeeds yourself.” Keller • Quotations on Forgiveness • Cancelling the Debt • “Notice that in every option (of offenses) the cost of the damages must be borne by someone … the debt did not somehow vanish into thin air.” Timothy Keller • If the perpetrator suffers, you may begin to feel a certain satisfaction … feeling that they are now paying off the debt … there are some serious problems with this option …” Keller • “There is another option, however. You can forgive. Forgiving means that you refuse to make them pay for what they did.” Keller • Forgiving means … you are absorbing the debt, taking the cost completely on yourself instead of taking the cost out of the other person. It hurts terribly. Many people say it feels like a kind of death.” Keller

31. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiving is not forgetting.” dk • Session Five: Forgiveness on the Silver Screen • Structured Exercise: • The value of a good story is that the reader is able to identify with the character in the story and gain experience and insight which would otherwise not be possible. • The participants in this session each bring a short story/movie clip and facilitate a brief discussion regarding the value and insight they gained through it. • Quote: • “Holding on to anger is like holding on to a hot coal, You are the only one getting burned.” Buddha

32. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiving is not reconciling.” dk • Forgiveness on the Silver Screen • Movie Title: “A Thousand Acres” • The story in the movie is about a western rancher with three daughters, Jenny, Rose and Caroline. The father had abused the oldest two daughters. The clip we see is a hospital scene at the conclusion of the movie where Rose is dying of cancer. Jenny is by her side as Rose is maintaining that her only claim to anything significant in life was that she “refused to forgive the unforgivable”.

33. Forgiveness Conversations“Forgiving forgives only the unforgivable.” J.Derrida • Forgiveness on the Silver Screen • Questions to Ponder • Rose, with great caution concludes, “I do not have any accomplishments … I didn’t get to be a great farmer … I was not a good wife … but what I did … and all I have is that I saw … without being afraid … and without turning away … and that I did not forgive the unforgivable … that’s my sole, solitary and only accomplishment … that’s something isn’t it?” • What could Rose genuinely have believed she had accomplished by “not forgiving the unforgivable.” • Rose asked Jenny to tell Caroline “the truth about daddy”. Jenny admits to not telling Caroline because the “truth about daddy” would not have been Rose’ truth. How did Jenny’s “truth” likely differ from Rose’ truth?

34. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgive, it doesn’t erase the crime, but why should you do the time?” Dodinsky • Forgiveness on the Silver Screen • My “Take-Away Value” for this session is ________________________ ____________________________________________________________ -------------------------------------------------- Note:… some take-away values of my own • “Refusing to forgive the unforgivable is a choice.” • “We need to honour our client’s choices as they choose not to forgive.” • “Rose’ resistance to forgiving is the key to her resolution to not forgive.”

35. Forgiveness Conversations “To be social is to be forgiving.” Robert Frost • Session Six … A Theory of Forgiveness • Quote: • “Of all creatures that were made, he [man] is the most detestable. Of the entire brood he is the only one – the solitary one that possesses malice. That is the basest of all instincts, passions, vices … he is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain.” Samuel Clemens in The Autobiography of Mark Twain • “The essence of human existence lies in the stance [one] takes toward a fate [that] cannot be changed … when we have been hurt by or have hurt others … Retaliation and revenge is one option. Forgiveness of ourselves and others is another. Whichever we choose, each of us must respond … by being responsible … Forgiveness and the peace it brings, may be the most responsible choice that we … can make.” Beverly Flanigan in Forgiving Yourself

36. Forgiveness Conversations “Justice consists in taking from no one what is theirs.” Hobbes (1651) (paraphrased) • A Theory of Forgiveness • We are social beings. • We know and recognize just and fair behavior and practices. • Our knowledge of justice is not consistently reflected in our behavior. • We offend others and are offended by others. • Every offense incurs a loss and a debt. • Retributive Justice attends to the debt which the offender owes society. • The offender pays the debt to the court. • When satisfied with the payment received the court cancels the debt owed. • The offender is freed of his debt to society and thus justice is served. “He who forgives takes upon himself the debt of the injustice that has been done to him. Forgiveness … always entails a sacrifice.” Dag Hammarskjold (paraphrased)

37. Forgiveness Conversations “ The salient quality of mercy is in offering the offended the choice of withholding justified retribution in the face of authentic resentment.” dk • A Theory of Forgiveness cont’d • Reparative Justice attends to the debt which is owed the offended. • Most offenses cannot be assessed in compensatory terms. • The offended has two options: • Make the offender pay or • Absorb and cancel the debt owed • Forgiveness is the response to the loss and the debt owed. • The Process of Forgiving: • The offended recognizes and acknowledges an actual injustice. • The offended chooses to withhold authentic resentment toward the offender, rather than respond with justified retribution. • The offended grieves the loss and cancels the debt which the offender owes, thus acknowledging that justice has been done.

38. Forgiveness Conversations “Without forgiveness there no future.” Desmond Tutu • A Theory of Forgiveness • Structured Exercise • Perhaps the most frequent argument mounted against forgiveness is that in addition to the original offense the offended person must do all the work in the forgiving process. Yet, in spite of all the suffering, after surveying all the costs many who have been offended still choose to forgive. • Be prepared to discuss [1] some of the benefits of cancelling the debt and [2] some of the problems in making the offender pay. • Take-Away Value • The “Take-Away Value” for me in this session was ___________ _________________________________________________________.

39. Forgiveness Conversations “Forgiveness is not absolution.” dk • Session Seven • Stories … The Sunflowerby Simon Wiesenthal • Structured Exercise: • While imprisoned in a Nazi concentration camp, Simon Wiesenthal was taken one day from his work detail to the bedside of Karl, a dying member of the SS. Haunted by the crimes in which he had participated the soldier wanted to confess to a Jew. Faced with the choice between compassion and justice … Wiesenthal said nothing. But even years after the war ended, he wondered if he had done the right thing. • What would you have done?

40. Forgiveness Conversations “Being all fashioned of the self same dust, let us be merciful as well as just.” Longfellow • Stories … “The Sunflower” • Simon Wiesenthal sits in silence as the German soldier Karl, speaks, “I am left here with my guilt.” He concluded at last, “In the last hours of my life you are with me … I do not know who you are. I know only that you are a Jew and that is enough. • “I know that what I have told you is terrible. In the long nights while I have been waiting for death, time and time again, I have longed to talk about it to a Jew and beg forgiveness from him. Only I didn’t know if there were any Jews left … I know that what I am asking is almost too much for you, but without your answer I cannot die in peace.” ------------------------------------------------------- Questions to Ponder • What was Karl asking for? … absolution? … forgiveness? … reconciliation? • What was Simon’s dilemma? • What should he have done?

41. Forgiveness Conversations “He who cannot forgive, burns the bridge over which he himself must cross in order to be forgiven.” George Herbert • Stories … • The Sunflower • My “Take-Home Value” is __________________________________ ________________________________________________________ ------------------------------------------------------------------- Note: • Well over half of all the respondents at the symposium agreed that Simon had done the right thing by not responding to Karl’s request. Their reasons varied greatly. • I’m wondering if Simon fulfilled Karl’ s purpose best as simply being a silent witness of the atrocities. Perhaps this was the essence of what Karl needed – he needed a Jew to hear him beg for forgiveness. Simon’s verbal response may be over-rated.

42. Forgiveness Conversations “To everything there is a season … a time to heal.” Ecclesiastes • Appendix • Forgiveness Group Climate • Meeting Five Basic Needs of Participants • Belonging • “I’m in a place where I want to be.” … “I’m in a place where I am wanted.” • Trust • “My word is good.” … “My promises matter.”… “I mean what I say, and do what I say I will do.”… “I meet expectations.” • Worth • “I have dignity.” … “I am respected.” …“My words are taken into account.” • Control • “I can choose.” … “My choices matter.” …”My decisions count.” • Safety • “My boundaries work for me.” … “My life is reasonably predictable.”

43. Forgiveness Conversations“My wound did ever heal … but by degrees.” Shakespeare Othello • Appendix • Some Tips for Facilitators • Keep group size small to facilitate maximum discussion time. • Listen intently and actively – how you listen may be more important than how you answer. • Open-ended questions encourage expansion and a wider range of facts and feelings. • Summarize the participant’s contributions by noting common feelings and themes. • Set firm but gentle limits on participants who monopolize discussion. • Long pauses of silence for reflection are characteristic and useful in small group work. • Model behaviors which encourage participants to respond to each other’s contributions.

44. Forgiveness Conversations “If we really want to love, we must learn to forgive.”Mother Theresa • Appendix • Practical Considerations • Group Size – 6 to 12 • Group Frequency – Weekly • Number of Sessions – 6 Weeks or Week-End • Session Length – 90 to 120 minutes • Homogeneous – Interest in forgiveness • Session Format – Repeated Weekly • Fee - $100 - $150 for six week or week-end

45. Forgiveness Conversations “You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you and feel the [courage] to wish them well.” Lewis Smedes • Appendix • Some Benefits of Forgiving • Reduced Anger • Diminished Anxiety • Reduced Depression • Greater Self-Confidence • Increased Optimism and Hope • Less Preoccupation with Injustices “Forgiveness is the economy of the heart … Forgiveness saves the expense of anger, The cost of hatred and the waste of spirits.” Hannah Moore

46. Forgiveness Conversations “Every new adjustment is a crisis in self-esteem.” Eric Hoffer • Appendix Outline of a Session • Theme for the Session: For example “Cancelling the Debt” • Quote of the Day: Quotes are effective cognitive organizers. They encourage the participants to begin thinking about the theme. • Structured Exercise: Which focuses on a practical dimension of the theme. • Take-Away Value: One thought, of significant value, which each participant expresses to another before leaving the session. Also, the ‘Take-Away Value’ is a useful way of beginning the next session.

47. Forgiveness Conversations “If you twist forgiveness into something it was never meant to be, it can make you a doormat.” L. Smedes • References: • Allender, D.B. (1992). Bold love. Colorado Springs: NavPress • Atwood, M. (2008) Payback. Scarborough: HarperCollins • Augsburger, D. (1981) Caring enough to forgive. Ventura: Regal • Augsburger, D. (1988). The freedom of forgiveness. Chicago: Moody • Carter, L. (1997) The choosing to forgive workbook. Vancouver: Thomas Nelson • Chapman, G. (2007) Anger. Chicago: Northfield Publishing • Chapman, G. (2006) Five languages of apology. Chicago: Northfield Publishing • Davis, L. (2002) I thought we would never speak again. New York: HarperCollins • Derrida, J. (2003) On cosmopolitanism and forgiveness. New York: Routledge • Engel, B. (2001) The power of apology. Toronto: Wiley • Enright, R.D. (2000) Helping clients forgive. Washington D.C.: APA • Enright, R.D. (2007) Forgiveness is a choice. Washington D.C.: APA • Flanigan, B. (1994) Forgiving the unforgivable. New York: Macmillan • Flanigan, B. (1996) Forgiving yourself. New York: Wiley • Gladwell, M. (2013) David and Goliath. New York: Little Brown • Gough, E. (2000) Infidelity. New York: Avery

48. Forgiveness Conversations ”Life is an adventure in forgiveness.” John Dryden • References: • Heavilin, M.W. (1988) December’s song. San Bernardino: Here’s Life • Holloway,R. (2002) On Forgiveness. Edinburgh: Canongate • Hunt, June. (2007) How to forgive. Eugene Oregon: Harvest House • Hunt, June. (2013) Forgiveness. The freedom to let go. Torrance, California: Aspire • Jeffress,R. (2000) When forgiveness doesn’t make sense. Colorado Springs: Waterbrook • Jones, L.G. (1995) Embodying Forgiveness. Grand Rapids: Erdmans • Keller, T. (2008) The reason for God. New York: Penguin • Luskin, F. (2002) Forgive for good. Sanfrancisco: Harper • McClafferty, C.K. (1995) Forgiving God. Grand Rapids: Discovery House • McCullough, M.E. (1997) To forgive is human. Downers Grove: Intervarsity • McCullough, M.E. (2000) Forgiveness. New York: Guilford • McCullough, M.E. (2008) Beyond Revenge. Sanfrancisco: Jossey-Bass • Monbourquette, J. (2000) How to forgive. Ottawa: Novalis • Morris, D. (1997) Forgiving the dead man walking. Grand Rapids: Zondervan • Nerburn, K. (2000) Calm surrender. Novato CA: New World Library

49. Forgiveness Conversations ”Humanity is never so beautiful as when … forgiving another.” John Paul Richter • References: • Nouwen, H. (1994) The return of the prodigal son. New York: Bantom • Sands, C. (1999) Learning to trust again. Grand Rapids: Discovery • Santoro, J. (1997) The angry heart. New York: mjf • Schneider, J.P. (1990) Sex, lies and forgiveness. New York: HarperCollins • Sills, J. (2004) Excess baggage. New York: Penguin • Simon, S. (1990) Forgiveness. New York: Warner • Smedes, L.B. (1996) The art of forgiving. Nashville: Moorings • Spring, J.A. (1996) After the affair. New York: HarperCollins • Spring, J.A. (2004) How can I forgive you? New York: HarperCollins • Stanley, C. (1991) The gift of forgiveness. Nashville: Thomas Nelson • Stokes, G. (2002) Forgiveness. London: MQ Publications • Stoop, D. (1991) Forgiving our parents forgiving ourselves. Ann Arbor: Servant

50. ForgivenessConversations “Reason to rule, mercy to forgive. The first is law, the second is prerogative.” John Dryden • References: • Tipping, C. (2011) Radical self forgiveness. Boulder CO: Sounds True • Visser, M. (2002) Beyond fate. Toronto: House of Anansi • Swindol, C. (1998) Joseph. Nashville: Thomas Nelson • Vanier, J. (1998) Becoming human. Toronto: House of Anansi • Wiesenthal, S. (1998) The sunflower. New York: Random • Worthington, E.L. (1998) Dimensions of forgiveness. Philadelphia: Templeton • Worthington, E.L. (2005) Handbook of forgiveness. New York: Routledge • Wytsma, K. (2013) Pursuing justice. Nashville: Thomas Nelson • Yancey, P. (1997) What’s so amazing about grace. Grand Rapids: Zondervan “Forgiveness is not the same as pardon … you may forgive someone and still insist on a just punishment for that wrong.” Lewis Smedes