Sexual Addictions

1. Sexual Addictions YEDEM & Believers Network Club GHANA

2. Sex Addiction • Leads to Unmanageability • Loss of control! • Sex addicts are in fact double minded. “double souled” there is a part of every addict that wants to be sober, yet another part that doesn’t. This is the unmanageability. • It is unmanageable, but this does not mean that we don’t have the ability to decide to recover from it. To be well and trust god.

3. Creates Tolerance • The brain had the ability to adjust to whatever we present to it and would need more of it. (De-sensitization). • The nucleus accumbence (pleasure centre). Sexual addiction increases dopamine and serotonin in the brain. A lot of things elevate dopamine (caffeine, nicotine, sexual fantasy) together they produce a synergistic effect. • The fear and anxiety of it increases adrenaline which in turn increases dopamine.

4. Degenerative/Progressive • Masturbation escalating to affairs or escalating in frequency but same behaviors. • Destructive/Negative consequences • Financial. • Legal • Health (STD, trauma) • ٍSpiritual

5. Used to Escape Feelings • Stimulation effect (dopamine/serotonin/adrenaline) • Relaxation effect (opiates, catecholamine) • Creates Sense of Entitlement • Anger, hurts and abandonment. • I work too much, I need this relaxation, and my wife is denying me. I’m entitled to some excitement/relaxation

6. Used as a reward • Feeling of Power • Controlling their own mood • Controlling other people (some sex offender can be sex addicts (50%). You can be a sex offender and not sex addict (personality disorder/ power/anger/etc.)

7. Forms of Acting out (Building Blocks) • In out of the shadows Patrick Carnes gives 3 levels of sex addiction

8. Level I • 1) Fantasy “Everything is first created in the mind then in reality” Michael Angelo. • 2) Masturbation • Dangerous to encourage. It conditions you to be dissatisfied with intercourse “Conditioning exercise” • quick orgasm • type of friction (much more than is possible) • availability • Fantasy and pornography. • 3) Affairs • 4) Prostitution • 5) Anonymous Sex (friends with benefits)

9. You don’t have to graduate from one stage to another. The progression from one stage to another is dependent on psychological and personality factors (If you are introvert, you many remain the in the masturbation forever)

10. Level II (Paraphilias) • Fetishes (sticking things in one body/enema/..) Dr. John Money 350 category of fetishes. • Exhibitionism. The dress is rather exhibitionistic (we are living in a rather exhibitionistic culture) • Voyeurism • Indecent Liberties (touching) • Phone/Cyber Sex • Bestiality

11. Lever III (Sexual offending) • Rape • Incest • Molestation • Authority Rape (minor form is sexual harassment).

12. Formation of the Addictive System • Initiation Phase • Situation of great psychological stress and intense pleasure • Creation of a pattern of using sex to cope with stress • Catalytic Environment • High performance expectation • Boredom and a lot of unscheduled time • An environment of extremes and unpredictability. This leads to Anxiety and the desire to control. The two key elements in the development of addiction in general. • Catalytic Events. • Trauma or neglect events • Sexual events (exposure or abuse). • It is important to explore these events and determine how it has lead to thoughts of self-doubt.

13. Establishment Phase • Establishment of an addictive pattern. • Regularity of the compulsive behavior. • The appearance of the addictive cycle • Pre-occupation • Rituals • Compulsive behavior • Shame and despair

14. Preoccupation • Most thoughts are sexualized • Most people are sex objects • All places are potential places for sexual activity • (even at work) • It is important to determine the times, events and places that trigger preoccupation (home alone!) • Rituals • Enhance pre-occupation and heighten Stimulation • Behaviors (Cruising) • Clothes • Drugs • Emotions (e.g. anger) • Rituals like preoccupation can produce sexual arousal “trance-like” state

15. Compulsive sexual behavior • Out of control • Regular or binges • Occupies most of the time • Repeated failed attempts at abstinence • Shame and despair • Withdrawal • Consequences • Isolation

17. Broader Addictive system • The Addictive cycle is a part of a broader addictive system that consists of 3 more elements • Faulty Belief System • Thinking Errors • Unmanageability • Faulty Belief System • The basic core belief that feeds the addictive system is the lack of personal value (due to abuse and neglect). This leads to lack of trust that others will be caring enough; therefore the addict believes that he/she has to be controlling in order to survive. • When sex gives pleasure, false sense of care or sense of value or superiority, they think it is there only need and best friend.

19. Sex Addiction and the Internet Users of online sex can be divided into 2 broad sectors • Recreational Users • Do not use it compulsively and Do not lie about it • (Addiction = Loss of control + Dishonesty) • Appropriate recreational use • Exploration • Education • Inappropriate recreational use • Embarrassments • Harassments

20. Problematic Users • Their use of online sex constitutes a problem for them • Discovery Group • No history of sexual problems • May spend too much time • May expose themselves to risks, however when severe problems arise, can quit. • Predisposed Group • Experience their first out-of-control sexual activity online after a long time of preoccupation • The internet can lure them into crossing the boundaries they have made to themselves and become addicted. • Life-long sexually Compulsive Group • Suffered from sexual compulsivity all their lives • The internet provides a new exciting field

21. The Power of the Internet • First: Acts as a powerful trigger • 3 A • Accessible • Affordable • Anonymous • Second: Leads to more social isolation • More detachment (a defense used extensively by children of dysfunctional families) • More poverty in social and interpersonal skills. • More low self esteem. (The basic core belief)

22. Third: Effect on arousal templates& erotic moments • Arousal templates • The arousal template is what turns the person on sexually. It was developed unconsciously during our development. • How they develop? • Includes many factors: • Biological, physiological and hereditary • Ethnical, cultural and religious background • Family history • Experiences of abuse • Common life experiences • Sexual history and sexual experiences allover the years.

23. Our behaviors affect the hard wiring of our brains. • In the past, a research revealed that 80% of sex addicts were sexually abused. The percentage is going down because of the internet. • In the past, it was thought that women are less stimulated visually than men. Now , the brain wiring of females is changing and they get more stimulated visually because of the internet (you can rewire the brain)

24. Erotic moment • The erotic moment is not necessarily related to orgasm. The erotic moment for a person depends on his/her arousal template. • It can be the sense of control and seduction • It can be bondage and humiliation • It can be seeing others naked without them knowing. • The powerful thing about the internet is that it is capable of providing different people with all the erotic moments they want at any time and in ways not accessible to them in their cultures and life circumstances if it were not for the internet.

25. The Twelve Steps and Recovery from Sex Addiction • How the Different Elements of the Program deals with the Different aspect of the Addictive System. • Delivering the Message (12th step call) • Bill Wilson’s and Bob Smith’s visit to Bob D. • Challenge the basic belief of the addict. • He/She is important and needed. • Breaks the isolation and stigma • Starts meaningful relationships

26. The Power of Community • Experiencing unconditional acceptance by people who know the secrets and still accept. • Learning from the experiences of others • Support by people facing the same disease, in a non-supportive world. • Awareness that he/she is not unique in suffering • Breaking secrecy and shame • Feedbacks correct negative core beliefs and provide positive ones. • Sense of value and importance when he/she produces positive influence in others. • Accountability relationships • Acceptance + Accountability = Recovery • Seeing and helping new addicts reminds older ones of the reality of their struggle.

27. Dealing with Grief • Loss of the compulsive behavior is the loss of the closest “relationship” in the addict’s life. • In the stage of Shock and Denial: 1st step and facing powerlessness and unmanageability. Presenting the 1st step in the group or with another member relieves shame. • In the stage of Anger: 2nd and 3rd steps provide a framework of trust and surrender to the higher power. The source of anger, resentment and bargaining is fear and desire to control.

28. In the stage of Depression and self-hatred: 4th and 5th step come when the addict makes a fearless moral inventory, exploring positive and negative elements in the personality. In step 4, there is more sorrow and low self-esteem. When crosses over to step 5 and shares his/her 4th step with another and feels accepted in spite of defects, the self-image becomes more positive. • In the stage of bargaining where the addicts has memories and imaginations of the erotic moments and thoughts of trying to test boundaries: 6th and 7th step encourages him/her to continue to surrender character defects to the Higher power.

29. Following a big loss, people experience re-definition of their identity. In this stage of re-definition, steps 8 and 9 are important to rebuild relationships with family and friends through making amends. • Steps 10, 11 and 12 are important “maintenance” steps to protect too much grieving from re-establishing the addictive system.

30. The Power of Rituals • Healthy routine heals • The human brain needs routine to function • Rituals give structure and support (predictability) • Replaces addictive routine

31. Controlling anxiety • Dealing with sex addiction is more difficult than with chemical addiction because the addictive “substance” is within! • Someone said that recovery from sex addiction and alcohol if you were a bar. • One of the goals of the program is to help the addict face reality and control anxiety. This is done through Clear definition of sobriety.

32. Each fellowship of sex addicts have its own way of defining sexual sobriety. It may be more strict in one fellowship than the other however they are clearly defined. This helps control anxiety. • In the fellowship of Sex Addicts Anonymous SAA, they have the concept of The 3 Circles • For another fellowship like Sexaholics Anonymous SA, the definition is more strict. No sex or yourself or anyone other than your spouse.

33. 12 Steps Spirituality • The 12 program reflects a consensus among mental health workers about the importance to spirituality in recovery. • Spiritual routing and discipline serves a lot of functions for recovery. • Dependence on the Higher power counters the addicts tendency to control. • Submission counters anger, resentment which feeds the addiction • The Serenity prayer in particular faces the struggle the addicts have between trying to control everything and despair.

34. Restoring Healthy guilt and shame • Healthy guilt and shame stops short of self-hatred. It serves a needed function to change destructive behavior without feeling bad about self. This is done through the balance between acceptance and accountability.