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Managing Anger and Criticism

Managing Anger and Criticism. Sun Rays of Hope December 17, 2010. Anger. Experiencing anger is a normal part of life. Anger is a feeling. Feelings are neither good nor bad; they just are. Anger Can Be Frightening. Our own anger can scare us * Fear of loss of control

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Managing Anger and Criticism

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  1. Managing Anger and Criticism Sun Rays of Hope December 17, 2010

  2. Anger • Experiencing anger is a normal part of life. • Anger is a feeling. • Feelings are neither good nor bad; they just are.

  3. Anger Can Be Frightening • Our own anger can scare us * Fear of loss of control • Other people’s anger can be scary * fear that they will get violent * fear that they don’t like us anymore * generalized fear/discomfort with anger

  4. “Wired in” Fight/Flight Response • The brain chemistry of all animals, including humans, is designed to respond to a perceived threat (like someone’s anger) through: * Fight, or * Flight (avoidance) • This is a very primitive part of the brain F/F often useful, but not always appropriate

  5. Goals for Today • Learn appropriate ways to respond to the anger of others • Learn ways to manage our own anger • Learn how to take criticism and profit from it

  6. A Core Value … R – E – S – P – E – C – T Respect for yourself and Respect for others

  7. Think/Pair/Share • Think about: Some ways you respond to the anger of others which often make matters worse. • Pair: Get a partner • Share: Your typical ways of responding to an angry person • Thank your partner

  8. Responding to an Angry Person Safety First: “Flight” response if appropriate (emergency action plan) In most situations: • Take a slow, deep breath • Try to stand or sit still • Don’t touch Don’t point Don’t order Don’t scold Don’t challenge

  9. Responding to an Angry Person • Let other people “own” their anger, and avoid becoming infected by it! • Sort through “irrational stuff” in order to get to the real problem. • “Irrational stuff” might include: profanity, sarcasm, name-calling, voice tones, facial expressions, manipulative ?s, exaggeration, physical acting-out.

  10. Step 1 – Responding to an Angry Person Listen to their complete initial “explosion” • No interruptions • Stay calm • Don’t talk until you’ve thought about what to say

  11. Step 2 – Responding to an Angry Person Acknowledge the reality of their anger and wait for their response • “I wasn’t aware you felt that way.” • “I can see there is a problem.” • “I can tell that you’re upset.”

  12. Step 3 – Responding to an Angry Person Make a regret statement and wait for their response • “I’m sorry you feel that way.” • “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this.” • “It’s unfortunate that things have gotten to this point.”

  13. Step 4 – Responding to an Angry Person Make an empathy statement and wait for their response • “I can understand why you are upset.” • “I can see you’ve had a tough time.” • “I can tell that you’re very angry.”

  14. Step 5 – Responding to an Angry Person If appropriate, OK to agree with the content issue: • “That shouldn’t have happened.” • “You’re right; this is a real problem.” • “Something does need to be done about that.”

  15. Step 6 – Responding to an Angry Person Ask permission to ask questions/offersuggestions. If permission is given: • “Have you thought about what you’ll do now?” • “One of the things you could try is …” • “Here’s a possibility …”

  16. Step 7 – Responding to an Angry Person • End on an action step, if possible and appropriate. • But, be prepared to do a “broken record”: * “I can’t do anything about that” * “I don’t have the ability to do anything about that” * “I can’t do anything about that”

  17. Steps 1 – 7 only work if … • You sincerely want to work things out. • You stay calm. • You want a “win/win” situation more than you want to “win.”

  18. Think/Pair/Share # 2 • Think about: Some ways you act when you are angry which often make matters worse. • Pair: Get a (different) partner • Share: Your typical ways of handling your anger • Thank your partner

  19. Managing Anger that Originates Within You • Our thoughts produce our emotions • Anger is almost always a secondary emotion “blocking” or “hiding” other emotions (like fear, hurt feelings, rejection, embarrassment) • Anger originates within the angry person (No one can “make you” angry).

  20. 3 Observations • Thoughts always precede feelings. • I choose my own thoughts. • I create my own emotions.

  21. How to Take Criticism • How to minimize the “hurt” of criticism: Apply the “grain of truth” test: Is any part of the criticism valid? If it is, use it/learn from it. • Be a good judge of criticism. If you’re not sure if there is any truth to it when you are criticized, ask for feedback privately from someone you trust.

  22. Respect & the Golden Rule • Remember … • Respect others. • Respect yourself. • Treat others the way you would like to be treated.

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