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Polyamory 101 Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

Polyamory 101 Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D. Definitions. Polygamy - More Than One Spouse Polygyny - More Than One Wife Polyandry - More Than One Husband Monogamy - One Spouse Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates

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Polyamory 101 Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

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  1. Polyamory 101Leanna Wolfe, Ph.D.

  2. Definitions • Polygamy - More Than One Spouse • Polygyny - More Than One Wife • Polyandry - More Than One Husband • Monogamy - One Spouse • Serial Monogamy - One Spouse at a Time • Swinging - One Spouse; Multiple Playmates • Polyamory - Multiple Committed Loving Relationships

  3. Polyamory’s Origins • Group Marriage (Constantine, 1973) • Hot & Cool Sex (Francoeur, 1974) • Intimate Networks • Utopian Swinging • The Kerista Commune (polyfidelity) • More University • Human Awareness Institute (HAI) • communication processes • Oneida Community

  4. The Oneida Community • 19th c. 500-person group marriage founded by John Humphrey Noyes • Coitus Reservatus • Complex Marriage • Banned Pair Bonding • Ascending Fellowship • Stirpiculture Breeding Program

  5. The Kerista Commune • SF based intentional community • 25 years (early 70s -- mid-90s) • Compersion (invented the word) • no jealousy (Pines & Aronson, 1981) • Polyfidelity • starling brothers and sisters • B-FICs -- Best Friend Identity Clusters

  6. Poly Culture • Support Groups / Pot Lucks • E - lists/groups • Loving More Magazine • Conferences • Honesty • Complete Honesty • Safe Sex • Very Safe Sex (viral and emotional)

  7. Poly Players • Science Fiction Aficionados • Heinlein and Rimmer (1960s) • Utopian Swingers • Frustrated by Monogamy • Independent Idealists • Socially Challenged

  8. Research Overview • 58 males • 82 females • Peak Baby Boomers • male median age -- 45 • female median age -- 43

  9. Race and Education • 94.3% White • Highly Educated • 98.3% of males and 100% of females had attended college • 39.7% of males and 40.2% of females had graduate degrees

  10. Poly Configurations • Independent Single • Open Couple • Primary and Secondary Partners • Multiple Primary Partners • Triad -- V or • Quad • Intimate Network

  11. Table 3 – Relationship Types Open Monogamous 14.3% Polyamorous with a Primary Partner 34.1% Polyamorous with Multiple Primary Partners 13.2% Polyamorous with Primary and Secondary Partners 18.7% Polyfidelitous Triad 5.5% Polyfidelitous Network 1.1% Monogamous 2.2% Single and Dating 4.4% Other 6.6% • Altogether 48.4% could easily be considered “open couples”

  12. Poly residential patterns differ substantially from the 2000 U.S. Census

  13. Table 8 – Current Religious Affiliation • Loving More Wolfe • Pagan/Wicca 30% 29% • Buddhism 9% 8% • Christian 28% 12% • None/Atheist 29% 15% • Other 4% 19% *40% do not attend any religious services or rituals

  14. Poly in Print • The Polyfidelity Primer (Nearing, 1992) • Love Without Limits (Anapol, 1992, 1997) • The Ethical Slut (Easton & Liszt, 1997) • Loving More Magazine (early 90s - present) • Plural Loves (Anderlini-D’Onofrio, 2005) • 40+ mainstream newspaper/magazine articles

  15. Poly Speak: The Language of Polyamory • Compersion • loving empathy for one’s partner being loved/engaged by others • New Relationship Energy (NRE) • Other Significant Other (OSO) • Primary, Secondary, Tertiary • maintain social family hierarchy • Polyfidelity • sexually faithful to one’s family

  16. Poly Cultural Challenges • Integrating romantic love and non-possessiveness in a Western context • Letting go of Western culture’s celebration of “the one.” • Preventing new lovers from displacing long time partners • Accepting differences between partners’ emotional and sexual styles.

  17. Safer Sex Practices • Fluid Bond Agreements • Over 80% use condoms • Women (84%) much more concerned than men (55%) in discussing STD and birth control status with a new lover. • Partner Approval • 64.4% of swingers • 58.4% of poly women • 35.7% of poly men

  18. Visiting Other Lovers • Agreements (written, unspoken, subject to renegotiation) • Half report their partner spends 10 nights a year or less visiting other lovers • Typical visiting patterns were between once a week and twice a month • Only five respondents reported visiting patterns of two-three times a week.

  19. Are There Favorites? • NRE is regarded as an explanation for why a new lover may feel like the favorite. • 50% of women reported loving their partners equally. • 62.5% of men reported they had a favorite lover.

  20. Regarding one’s partner as a favorite lover largely parallels feeling like one is one’s partner’s favorite lover.

  21. Compersion

  22. Compersion Measures • Watching a partner being sexual with someone else • Being Watched by One’s Partner… • Feelings about partner spending the night with other lovers • What happens when partner returns… • Impact of poly dating on home relationship • Change relationship agreements?

  23. Compersion Index • 11 point scale • Median 9.12 • Only 7.9% less then 7. • Compersive thinking is largely the norm for the people who participated in my survey

  24. Statistically Significant Correlations • Males more compersive than females • greater number of partners per year--less attachment--sense of abundance • Those who report that they love each of their lovers equally • embrace poly ideology • Heterosexuals who masturbate frequently • more substantial inner life

  25. Actualizing Compersion • Developed Inner Life • masturbation, spirituality, meditation • Full Plate Life • busy with work, family, lovers • Extended Family of Choice • Gullible • believe in poly ideology • High Serotonin Uptake • Fears of Loss not actualized.

  26. Polyamory as a Relationship Strategy • Long term monogamous couples eventually differentiate • Their NRE diminishes--they have less interest/need for sex with each other • Polyamory addresses this sexual emotional vacancy with a NRE enhanced new lovers while maintaining the comfort and security of home and family

  27. How Jealousy is Negotiated • New loves do not replace or displace in place partners. • Belief that there is not just one “one” • Go for broke romantic love discouraged • Celebration of “starling relationships” • Compersion embraced • Full Plate Lives • High serotonin levels

  28. Is it possible to be in love with more than one sweetie? • Its very possible to be in lust with many partners • Its possible to be in the attachment phase with multiple partners • The attraction phase may be a mono-experience • easily provokes high levels of jealousy

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