Boundaries at the Workplace

1. Boundaries at the Workplace Reclaim your personal life while achieving greater professional success (Seminar based on The One-Life Solution by Dr. Henry Cloud) Dr. Scott Harris Our aim should be to live life well, not just climb the ladder of success. This seminar will address how appropriate boundaries at work actually lead to greater ethical and integrated success in the workplace while protecting our most important measurement of life well-lived – our relationships with the people we care for most. Scott Harris is the director of Oklahoma Baptist University’s Graduate School in Oklahoma City. He is and his wife, Kathryn, have been married for 14 years. They have four boys. His family resides in Oklahoma City. OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

2. What is your vision for your life? • Begin with the end in mind. (Steven Covey) • What do you want said of you after you’re gone? • Top Priorities? • Personal Integrity? • Relationships? • Loved his/her work? • Used gifts fully? • Fulfilled purpose in life? • You write your eulogy a little each day. OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

3. Biggest Obstacle to Your Vision • LACK OF BOUNDARIES “Boundaries provide the structure to your character that will make everything else work.” “In life, you get what you tolerate.” – Henry Cloud, The One-Life Solution • You cannot control others, but you can control yourself. OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

4. Boundaries: What are they? • Define where you end & others begin • Values, Priorities, Direction, Possessions • Six Key Components of Boundaries: • Ownership • Control • Freedom • Responsibility, Accountability, Consequences • Limits • Protection OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

5. What Boundaries Do for You • Provide Structure • Differentiation & Separateness • Containment • Definition • Limits • Values • Self Control, Freedom, Autonomy OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

6. What Hinders Boundaries? • Power Drains (When you give away power) • Need for security • Need for approval • Fear of being alone / isolated • Fear of conflict • Fear of disagreement • Fear of anger • Fear of feeling inferior • Fear of someone’s position of authority • Inability to say “no” • Lack of internal structure OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

7. The Audit • “Your time is your life. Period. How you spend it ends up being what your life is.” – The One-Life Solution p. 66 • Awareness is needed of • Where / how you spend your time (work, home…) • (Dis)connections between your values and how you spend your time • Personal issues that contribute to the problem OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

8. Laws of Boundaries • Law of Sowing and Reaping • Law of Power • Law of Respect • Law of Motivation • Law of Evaluation of Pain (hurt vs. harm) • Law of Envy • Law of Activity • Law of Exposure OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

9. You need to build / repair the boundaries in your life… Why? “Boundaries provide the structure to your character that will make everything else work.” “In life, you get what you tolerate.” – Henry Cloud, The One-Life Solution OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

10. You and Your Words • “It’s unethical to say one thing (or not say something) yet mean something else.” • I think… (separateness) • I won’t… (limits) • I want… (desire) • I will… (activity) • “Yes” and “No” (definition) • I don’t know… (honesty) • I was wrong… (humility) • When you… (communication) OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

11. Boundaries on the Job • Who’s in charge of your agenda? • You or your in box? • You or other people? • “An integrated & ethical life means you are in control…” • Directed by vision & values • Maintained by boundaries OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

12. Create Time and Space • Give entire focus to needed task at hand • Close email for set time • Assign a time to check & respond to email • Turn off ringer on phone during meetings • Close the door • Ask “Why?” • Set limits on tasks • Learn to say “No” • Know why you are saying “Yes” OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

13. Needed Choices • Make “No-Choice” Choices First • Illus: Paying our mortgage • Being the dad or mom who was “there” • Follow the Misery / Make a Rule • Toxic Relationships • Managing Energy for High Performance • Chatty-Cathy and Talks-a-lot-Tim • Avoiding work email at home • Taking the Blackberry on your date OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

14. Getting Balance Sheet in Order • “You cannot control other people, but you can get in control of yourself. You have to be able to make the choices you need in order to make your life work, belong to you, and integrate around the things important to you.” The One Life Solution p 182 • Strengthen your equity • Position self for strength • Support of friends, broader revenue base, new skills… OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

15. Balance Sheet (continued) • End Some Things Now • Some endings are necessary and good • Negative things that are not fixable • Positive things that keep you from the things you care about most • Financial Soundness • KEY: Put yourself in a position to create or maintain your boundaries. • Q: Can you say “no” to a bad work situation? OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

16. Communicating Boundaries • “There is a difference between negative information and negative communication.” – The One-Life Solution p. 203 • Difficult Conversation Tips • Tone • Affirm person / Balance care with truth • Be specific about issue, not the person • Get agreement • Stay separate from difficult person • Set Limits OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

17. Summary • Boundaries establish control of self. They integrate your life around your values. • Boundaries define you from others • Audit your life to identify power drains • Your words and choices either strengthen or weaken your boundaries • Get your Balance Sheet in order • Communicate your boundaries clearly “In life, you get what you tolerate.” OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

18. “One Life to Love” by 33 Miles He never thought he cared so much about the minute hand Until he started praying for, a second chance If he could only do it all again He'd trade the long nights that he spent behind his desk For all he missed He tells his wife "I wish that this moment in this room was not me dying, but just spending a little time with you." You only get just one time around You only get one shot at this One chance, to find out The one thing that you don't wanna miss One day when it's all said and done I hope you see that it was enough, this One ride, one try, one life... To love.... OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

19. “One Life to Love” (continued) She never thought she cared so much about those little hands That held on tight the day she left Til she was scared to death Sitting all alone on a hotel bed, the end of the road The sun had set on her big plans To feel young again She picks up the phone, dials the number, hears that little voice That's haunted every single mile, since she made that choice You only get just one time around You only get one shot at this One chance, to find out The one thing that you don't wanna miss One day when it's all said and done I hope you see that it was enough, this One ride, one try, one life... To love............ OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010

20. “One Life to Love” (continued) You only get just one time around Only get one shot at this One chance, to find out The one thing that you don't wanna miss One day when it's all said and done I hope you see that it was enough, this One ride, one try, one life........ One ride, one try, one life........ To love.... OK Ethics Summer Symposium, August 11, 2010