Making it Right

1. Making it Right Rebuilding & Restoring Trust Reconciliation of Relationships

2. What Do You Expect From Today’s Seminar • In order to have the best possible experience we need to set the filter for our expectations • SO…. Why are you here?

3. Why Are You Here? You want to learn the value of reconciliation You want to enhance the professional and personal relationships in your life You have experienced the unfortunate circumstance of having a valued relationship damaged and you would like to understand why and learn how to repair it Someone made you come today You wanted to get out of work for a couple of hours

4. “We Always Livedin a Two-Story House” • A tale of two brothers – A two-story house • Same story – two paths taken – two different outcomes • The power of reconciliation and its impact on the rest of our lives

5. Our Human FrailtiesWhy Do We Do What We Do? • What is it about us that we seek interaction with others and yet we consistently find ourselves in situations requiring repair • We human beings are very messy creatures • We tend to treat those relationships most important to us with the least amount of care • The truth is we tend to be self centered and take our relationships for granted

6. Relationships – Part of Being Human • Relationships are part of life … living is relating • We have all kinds of relationships – professional, personal, familial, mentoring • Sooner or later ALL relationships become inherently personal

7. Relationships – Part of Being Human • Some relationships are worth repairing and some aren’t. • Some relationships just can’t be fixed • Sometimes we feel we just don’t have a choice, we must repair the relationship • It’s the feeling of loss that drives us to consider reconciliation or repair of a broken relationship

8. How Do Relationships Get Damaged? • Lapse of honesty • Lapse in judgment • Self centeredness • Lack of communication • Misaligned goals • Neglect • Violation of confidence or trust • I am right; you are wrong • Failure to act or behave as expected

9. Behavioral Symptoms of Damaged Relationships • Bitterness • Resentment • Stress • Angry outbursts • Vindictiveness • Inability to sustain an ongoing relationship

10. Behaviors Associated with Damaged Relationships • Silence • Unable to communicate with others, not just the person in the tenuous relationship • Withdrawal • Gossip • Character assassination • He/she is a … • Guilt • Justification • I did that because he or she did/said … • Rationalization • It’s ok because of …

11. Physical Symptoms of Damaged Relationships • Depression • Hypertension • Cardiovascular symptoms • Migraines • Chemical dependency

12. The Business Costs of Damaged Relationships • Profitability – direct margins related to the relationship • Efficacy – decrease in effectiveness due to the damaged relationship • Redundancy and additional efforts and costs to wire around a bad relationship – “we need to send another individual since Bob won’t see Fred”’ • Additional time spent on justification - when a bad relationship creates unnecessary suspicion • Unnecessary employee turnover costs

13. The Personal Costs of Damaged Relationships • The feelings of anger and resentment manifest themselves in physical sickness • Unhappy people are more likely to be sick or exhibit physical aliments • The weight of carrying around the baggage of the relationship • Potentially damaging to your job and career path • Potentially damaging to your personal relationships • Its easy to become obsessive about a damaged relationship and have it spill over to other relationships • Six degrees of separation – both parties to a damaged relationship have connections to others

14. ReconciliationWhat it is and What it is not • It is about restoring a relationship • It is not about assessing blame • It is about regaining or restoring trust • It is not about just making yourself feel better • It is about forgiving • It is not about forgetting • It is about understanding someone else’s pain and acknowledging your own pain • It is not about conflict resolution

15. The Reconciliation Process“An Honest Assessment” • What is the nature of the relationship? – colleague, customer, supervisor, subordinate, friend, investor, donor • Identify where the train left the track • Without justifying your feelings or actions • What were the circumstances – did you create them? • Be clinically analytical – important to identify the causes in order to genuinely address them • Put yourself in the other person’s shoes – what is their perspective? • Avoid the conflict resolution dynamics – most of the time you both feel you were right

16. The Reconciliation Process“The Longest Journey Begins With A Single Step” • Be willing to initiate the first step • Determine the best manner to approach the person • Face to face is best, but sometimes the communication line can be opened with a handwritten note • Avoid the electronic communication for the first step – it’s just too impersonal • Start with an explanation of what the relationship means to you and why it is important to you to repair it

17. The Power of Apology Beverly Engel noted in 2001 that the road to forgiveness begins with apology. • Regret – truly sorry for actions • Responsibility – owning the behavior without justification or excuse • Remedy – Making it Right

18. Forgiveness is Liberating • “Revenge has no more quenching effect than salt water has on thirst.” Walter Weckler • “I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.” James Baldwin • “Forgiveness is the act of admitting we are like other people.” Christina Baldwin

19. It’s Never too Late to Apologize and to Forgive • Remember that famous confrontation on the steps at the University of Alabama in 1963 • George Wallace apologized to Vivian Malone Jones in 1977 for his actions. He apologized personally to her with no press present or announcement

20. Reconciliation Process“Own Your Actions Not Theirs” • If you caused the circumstances then acknowledge that and apologize for it • Your apology should include an acknowledgement of the pain the person has experienced. • After that you describe the pain the situation has caused you – but only after acknowledging the other person’s pain • Do not fall back into the reasons for the separation of the relationship – focus on the present.

21. Reconciliation Process“Open the Door for the Other Person” • Opportunity to receive an apology • If you feel the other person caused the circumstances then start the conversation directly with your regret that the relationship is damaged • If the other person does not apologize then focus the conversation on the future of the relationship • Ask the questions: • “Can we get back to where we were?” • “Where do we go from here?” • Brace yourself for the possibility that the person may be unresponsive, angry or dismissive

22. Reconciliation Process“After the Conversation” • There are several possible outcomes of a reconciliation conversation • Denial that there is a problem • Active rejection • Passive rejection • An attempt to return to the previous relationship • A new and different relationship is more likely • It is vital to identify your motives and goals in the process • Are you willing to risk rejection? • Are you willing to invest new energy in the relationship?

23. Relationships are Fragile “Handle with Care” • Relationships do not stay the same – they get better or worse • Weigh your actions carefully in business – there are consequences (good or bad) for every decision • Some things when broken cannot be put back together (All the King’s Horses and all the King’s men…) • Bring shaky relationships to a closure point – do not leave things undone • Most of all remember that forgiveness is a gift that you give to others and yourself

24. A New Covenant…Starting Again • We cannot start over but we can start again • Redefine expectations – what do we want this relationship to be? • What are each person’s SPOKEN expectations of the other • Make a Covenant to each other

25. Leave the Past Where it Belongs • Live in the present • Focus on the importance of your relationships • Remember that it takes more effort to repair a relationship than it does to maintain one • Making it work always requires making it right!