Ten tips for your family Pall Olafsson Social Worker

1. Ten tips for your family Pall OlafssonSocial Worker This lecture is based on Diane Gossen work. www.realrestitution.com

2. Who am I? • I'm second oldest of nine siblings • Worked as a Carpenter for 9 years • Master of social work in Lund Sweden • Social worker in child care for 9 years • Educated in Restitution in USA - my lifestyle • President of the Icelandic association of social workers • Father of five children 24, 18, 12, 10 and 2 years • Part of a popular icelandic family system

3. Something got to change? • Children are sexually abused • 17 % of children in Iceland • Offender are often young boys or a family member • Children use drugs • The Breeser generation, “light” drug users • Use drug to have “fun” faster, easier • Children “live” in another (virtual) reality • Internet -rules -live –friends -info • 60 % of children have seen porno on Internet • Children are not feeling good about them self • More use of medical products with children • antidepressants, painkillers, psychoactive drugs

4. PARENTS! • Parents: responsibility to 18 year's old! • Preschool – kindergarten • Primary school 1- 10 class • High school 1. and 2. class • Leisure time - weekends, summer - Christmas - vacation .......... Parents in city! • We are not born perfect parents • Family, friends and acquaintances • School, after school centers • Organizations, associations, homepages, sites • Child care workers, family consults, social workers ……….. • We don’t know everything • It is ok to ask – or is it not??

5. 1970s 1. Writing 2. Math- skills 3. Reading 4. Talking 5. Listening Today 1. Teamwork 2. Problem solving 3. Interpersonal skills 4. Talking 5. Listening Fortune 500Important Job Skills

6. Restitution is creating conditions for the person to fix their mistakes and return to the group strengthened

7. 1.Family meetings! • The family talks about family rules and beliefs about what is important to each other • Respecting ourselves – self-awareness • Respecting others – being a part of a community • Old people, sick people, handicapped people, immigrants, children, adolescents ..... • The hole family talks together – including the teenager • In our family we believe in: • Helping each other • Telling the truth • Being safe • Enjoying quality time together • Respecting ourselves and others • See mistakes as a changes to learn

8. Bottom lines!Basic rules! • No violence • No weapons, no hurting, no harming • No harassment, no bullying • No threatening, no provoking, no aggression • No drugs • Alcohol is not legal for children • We don’t buy alcohol for children • Laws about children's curfew • Are there for a reason

9. 2.Reasonable consequences! • Decide together with your children reasonable consequences if rules are broken or mistakes made, so there are no unfair surprises later. • Restitution • Positive • You have to do something • Not enough to say “I'm sorry”

10. Punisher You shout and points You say “do it or else”... They rebel They blame others They say “ I don’t care”! They do it again Guilter You preach, guilt others You say – “you should have known better!” They hide, lie, deny They say “ I'm sorry” Low self- esteem 3.Avoid using punishing and guilting.People behave to avoid pain !

11. Buddy You excuse the child You say “ do it for me” People come independent They say “I thought we were friends!” Weakness Monitor You count and measure You say “ what's the rule?” They conform! They say “how much, how long?” They focus on the consequence People behave to get reward from others

12. 4.People behave because they want to! Self-control • Help your child to take responsibility for their mistakes • Help the child to see that its ok to make a mistake that’s how we learn • Stabilize the child – nobody is perfect, you are not the only one • Find the need – it’s a reason behind every behavior, so you didn’t do this for no reason, could you have done worse, if yes – could you have done better! • Find what the child believes are – can you do better, what kind of person do you want to be, if you fix this mistake what does that say about you as a person.

13. 5.It's not what you say It's how you say it that's important!

14. 6.Chill time - cooling time – to be able to use your brain!Never try to have a discussion when people are feeling; angry, mad, irritated or afraid

15. 7Meet your five basic needs every day! • Teach your children to meet their needs in a helpful and positive way • Love and belonging – with at least one person who cares for us • Power and achievement – something we do well • Fun and enjoyment – pleasure, fun of learning • Freedom and choices we want to make • Survival – physical need of safety, food, clothing, shelter

16. Belonging Power Survival Fun Freedom Diane’s Circle of needs

17. 8.Open up the territory! • Does it really matter? • Ask yourself, “does it really matter” before addressing an issue • Yes,if… • Say “Yes” as often as you can • If you can't say “Yes” say “Yes if…” • Can I go out? • Yes if you finished homework • If you must say “No”; stick to it

18. 9. The two-minute principle! • Always be willing to take just 2 minutes to listen, to tend to, or help a child when they ask! Often that’s all they need to feel valued by you. • Use 2 minutes 10 days in a row to connect to the child! • Talk about something that is not dangerous, harmful or bad • Grownup guaranty – always an adult ready to listen to children • Use 30 seconds interventions – • if you are using more time you are using the punisher, guilter or the buddy • Remember to say “Thank you”

19. 30 Second Interventions • These interventions help people get back on track in a non-confrontational way: What’s your Job now? Is what you’re doing okay now? When will you be ready to start? What can I do to help you so you can _____? What’s the Rule? Can I help you get started? What are you supposed to be doing? It looks like you have a problem. How can I help you solve it?

20. 10. We are child's best teachers • We teach children by- • Who we are • What we believe and value • What we respect • How we behave toward each other • Remember to laugh – use your fun need – you were once young too!

21. The end! • Fact: • In the morning - after 180 seconds children have made their decision in whether this day is going to bee good or bad • So you better smile ;o)