Happy New Year

1. 2010

2. Happy New Year Today: ‘Take Dead Aim’ Jan 10: ‘So, just what is a Healthy Marriage?’ Jan 17: Mike A --‘Downpour of Daily Duties’ Jan 24: Harv Powers -- ‘Tornado of Parenting’ Atrium, 9AM Jan 31: Mike H . -- ‘Earthquake of Unfaithfulness’ February 7: Mike A. – ‘Tsunami of Finances’

3. Your Table Hosts 1/17/10..in the Atrium, 9 AM Byars Del Ponte Greenwald Hallinan Kelly Mallett Scholl Tittle Steinert Halberstadt Training Jan 10th at noon, with lunch

5. Where are we going? Psalm 103 -- how God deals with us -- giant joint agreement -- how we might deal with each other -- forgiveness -- honor, respect, -- accept, know, surrender -- bring the best out Take Dead Aim

6. Questions like: Where are we going as a couple? What do we want our marriage to look like in 5 years? What would constitute success in your marriage? Are we to drift and wander aimlessly, letting the circumstances of life dictate our outcome? Do we have intention toward the future?

7. As a couple, consider these 3 ingredients as you take dead aim at the future 1. Resources of the marriage 2. Target in the sight 3. Principles to use

8. 1. Resources of the marriage in taking dead aim At your tables: Intros, new couples What are the resources available in marriage to take dead aim? -- Money, talents, personality, mentors, community -- Oneness, intimacy, joint agreements, knowing each other -- Common approach; work well together; ‘One Another’ values -- Power- Fruit of the Spirit Gal 5; Spiritual gifts; Proverbs 3:5 & 6; --- MSG: Prov 21:31 “Do your best, prepare for the worst--then trust GOD to bring victory.” --- BBE: Prov 21:31 “The horse is made ready for the day of war, but power to overcome is from the Lord.” --Partnership Now, as a couple: How do you view your Partnership today?

9. 2. What is/are your Target(s) when taking dead aim Target = Aim = Purpose

10. 2. Target = Aim = Purpose • The aimless almost never hit or miss, they just land somewhere. • When you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there

11. Target = Aim = Purpose • When we don’t know what harbor we are aiming for, no wind will be right for us. • True joy in life is being used for a purpose bigger than ourselves, instead of being a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world just won’t devote itself to making us happy. • A double-minded person is unstable in their ways. A determinant aim in life, and a steady adhesion to it through challenges and victories, are indispensable conditions of success. • The very 1st requirement for our lasting joy and happiness is a life that aims at something outside ourselves. • Whether a life is long or short, its completeness depends on what’s lived for.

12. Target = Aim =Purpose Is there more to life than my plans, my problems, my agenda, my______? Is there a higher road I/we need to be on? Are my plans tied into any real purpose other than self, duty and opportunity? If God is in control like everyone says, why don’t I just drift and wait for Him to steer? I don’t need plans if He has them all! Do I have a purpose in this life? Do we as a couple? As a couple, where do you want your marriage to be in 5 years? What would constitute success?

13. Consider these real world Aims • We will honor Christ in our marriage by seeking to discover and agree on what His revealed will is for us and acting on it, not circumstances alone. We will be humble and love mercy. • We will stand-up for our faith even when not politically safe, but without “preaching”. • If and when we have children, we will behave in such a way in our walk to make Christ attractive to them: unearned love, air of forgiveness, openness to opinions, understanding of human frailty. • Our walk in Christ, and our marriage, will not be flaunted, but visible enough that others might be attracted to Him. • Our attitudes will be positive and we will grow closer to each other through fun, recreation, lightening-up, and enjoying our freedoms in marriage and Christ. • Our finances will reflect our belief that He owns them all, we are stewards of it, and we will account for the least of these in our financial dealings, as well as live within our means. We aim to serve, rather than being served.

14. Sorting-Out Our Purpose We are called to, and have purpose toward someone: 1stGod (worship/His pleasure/ holiness/service/mission); then mate, as a reflection of Christ and the Church (Eph 5:25-33); then children; then others; then self…..what are you filled with? We are called to do, and have purpose toward something: Biblical principles and behavior/obedience; career/avocation; become parent or not; homemaker; usefulness; education; -----use the skills you have been blessed with. We are called, and have purpose toward somewhere: home; city; church; etc.

15. 10 Road Signs that your marriage might be Maturing 1. You are a horizontal couple, integrating the Lord into the stovepipes of your lives, into the marriage, i.e., work, home, finances, parents, children, etc., with unity and joint agreements…becoming more and more one. Colossians 1:9-14 2. You increasingly understand God’s plan and purpose for your marriage, take dead aim at it with energy, and KEEP THE MAIN THING THE MAIN THING as you write your life and legacy, page by page. Colossians 3: 8-10; 12-14; Jeremiah 29:11-12 3. You are more and more stable in your faith, walk and ways. Eph 4:12-16 4. You are better day after day at being still and quiet, worshipping, praying and having an attitude of gentleness, honor and forgiveness towards each other. Psalm 4:4-5; 46:10; 1 Peter 3:7; Col 3:16 5. You increasingly understand and appreciate the difference between legalism, liberty and responsibility. 1 Cor 8; Romans 14

16. 10 Road Signs that your marriage might be Maturing 6. You look for God’s hand in your marriage--past and future, and seek His face more and more. You accept His provision of your spouse, and re-commit to each other everyday. Nehemiah 1; 2 Chronicles 7:14; Proverbs 3:5-8 7. You more and more as a couple realize you don’t have the whole story, don’t know everything, don’t have, or have to have, a ready solution to every problem, and rely on each other, and the Lord’s Hand, through prayer, more and more. 1 Cor 13:9-13 8. You are as a couple becoming more and more interested in wisdom from above rather than hanging onto every piece of wisdom from the world. You are more and more interested in serving others outside yourselves. James 3:13-17 9. You are increasingly concerned with what you are full of---self(pigitis), substances, or the Spirit of God. Eph 5:15-21; Eph 4: 17-31; Gal 5:25 10. The two of you have a more and more accurate view of yourself and each other as a sinner saved by grace through faith, as well as recognizing the need for continual confession and repentance. You have a better and better understanding of what the Lord desires of you, how much God loves you through Christ. Psalm 51; 1 John 1:9

17. 3. Principles of taking dead aim

18. What about principles?Common things you hear about Principle(s) • “She is a woman of principle.” • “I object to this decision on fundamental principles.” • “I agree to the memo in principle.” • “Both machines operate on the same principle.” • “The principle component of this initiative is suspect.” • “He is so unprincipled that his behavior is out of control.”

19. Defining Principle • A comprehensive and fundamental law, doctrine, assumption and/or truth; • A rule or code of conduct • Higher road , foundational positions when other roads are deteriorating or are in conflict • An underlying characteristic, e.g., principles of human nature such as greed and curiosity. • An ingredient (as a chemical) that exhibits or imparts a characteristic quality, highly repeatable • Organizational Principles of Operation • Principles of the Christian faith, doctrine fully grounded in the Word, fundamental Marriage principles

20. What are the characteristics of people who are drifting through life like a log in the river? • Listless • Unmotivated • Start, but rarely finish anything • React to the side of the bank • Not much healthy worry • Not much strategic thought • Comfortable with the status quo • Half-hearted in keeping/growing relationships • Depressed, no sense of time or responsibility • Lack of accomplishment, poor self esteem

21. ….and, how about Spiritual drift • I am unaware of the constant downward pull of the world, the flesh and the enemy. • I fall apart at circumstances. • Prayer, Bible study and worship are dull to me, and I complain about “them”. • Remembering the work of Christ on the cross does not move me. • I lack joy and gratitude for what God has done for me. • I have ceased to grow in faith, hope and love. • My life is full of other things.

22. At your tables:What does drift in a marriage look like and how can it happen?

23. Sometimes we can crush our spouse’s heart and wilt a beautiful creation, and cut it adrift from us • Make our mate feel inferior, stupid, guilty • Devalue their inner self, core beliefs, fundamental make-up • Off-load anger, tension, stress • Let them know how bad you hurt, by hurting them • Make yourself be seen as right--manipulation • Alienate them and make them feel alone • Dominate or control your mate in order to feel in control • Throw-off responsibility • Deflect the blame • Hide your real feeling, pain • Hide your failures---resist vulnerability

24. When what we really need instead in our marriage relationship is……….. We need to be accepted, not judged. We need to be known, not fixed; protected, not exploited. We need to know the other, not be strangers. We need to be explored, not labeled. We need to be discovered, not explained. We need to be deeply connected, not mechanically supported, nor inwardly turned, nor ignored. We need to be vulnerable, not attacked or manipulated. We need to be heard and honored, not just tolerated . We need to be “all-in”, with all our healthy heart, taking dead aim at our marriage and faith. We need to serve and be served, in a mutual, balanced way We need framework and priority, principles and purpose

25. What were David’s principles when he took aim at Goliath? 1st Samuel 17 Focused Rooted in God Past, prayer, priority, passion, persistence Single-minded Strong commitment No obstacles too big It was not about him or his reputation, but about God and His reputation!

26. If you were traveling from Denver to New York City, what decisions would need to be made? • Why? • How? • When? • Directions? • What do we do along the way; when we get there? • How long? • With whom? • Stops? • $$---budget; Is it worth the costs to go? share? • Who gets the mail and waters the plants

27. From Ed Young’s book “The 10 Commandments of Marriage”---Thou Shalt • Not be selfish • Cut the apron strings • Continually communicate • Make conflict your ally • Avoid the quicksand of debt • Flee sexual temptation • Forgive your mate 490 times and more • Keep the home fires burning • Begin again and again (from this day forward) • Build a winning team

28. Now, one on one, as a couple, • Where are we going? Are we drifting? Are we aiming at anything? Do we have a strategy and roadmap to get there? • Do we have some principles to guide us? (honesty, honor, respect, Christ 1st……)

29. Scriptures, a reading, and questionsfor you towork on together this week • I Samuel 17 David & Goliath • Jeremiah 29:11-13 Purpose • Romans 8:26-28 Called • Philippians 3:9-14 Press on • Read “Purpose” included with today’s lesson on www.rsmarriage.org • Discuss the strengths and weaknesses of your partnership and ways you can improve it. • Discuss 2 targets you are aiming at, and 3-4 principles you want to adopt for pursuing these targets.

30. Remember the “Purpose Driven Life” & Marriage? Rick Warren 1. Worship: we were made for God’s pleasure; Ecc 12:13 2. Fellowship: You were formed for God’s family; Heb 2:11 3. Discipleship: You were created to be shaped and to mature toward Christ-like behaviors(one-anothers), and eternal life with Him; Romans 8:29 4. Service: You were shaped for serving God by serving others; Eph 2:10 5. Mission: You were made for a mission; Matt 28:19-20

31. “One Another” Character and Behavior 1. Love(agape) One Another --John 15:17 2. Encourage One Another --I Thess 5:11 3. Build up One Another --Rom 14:7; Eph 4:29 4. Admonish One Another-- Rom 15:14; Col 1:28 5. Comfort One Another --1Thess 4:18; 6. Assemble Together w/One Another-- Heb 10:25 7. Bear One Another’s Burdens --Gal 6:2 8. Seek after what’s good for One Another --1 Thess 5:15 “And be careful that when you get on each other's nerves you don't snap at each other. Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out.” 9. Be honest with One Another --Col 3:9 10. Show hospitality to One Another-- 1 Pet 4:9

32. “ One Another” Character and Behavior, 11. Greet One Another with a holy kiss --Rom 16:16 12. Be at peace with One Another --1 Thess 5:13b 13. Be devoted to One Another in mutual love (pheleo) Rom 12:10 14. Give preference to One Another in honor-- Rom 12:10 “Be devoted to one another with mutual love, showing eagerness in honoring one another.” 15. Clothe yourself with humility toward One Another; and be subject to One Another --1 Pet 5:5; Eph 5:21 16. Show forbearance toward One Another --Eph 4:2 17. Accept One Another --Rom 15:7 18. Be kind to One Another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another --Eph 4:32;Col 3:13 19. Serve One Another --Gal 5:13; 1 Pet 4:10 20. Live and work as One with One Another --Rom 4:4-8