Who’s Driving the Bus?

3. Who’s Driving the Bus? Have you noticed how often our reaction to anxiety drives the bus of our lives?

5. There are two kinds of anxiety: acute & chronic. They differ in both intensity and duration. Most of us can adapt to the challenges of acute anxiety. We feel it in actual threatening situations. Acute anxiety has a time-limited quality to it. Our automatic responses like fight/flight are designed to deal with the immediate, real situation and then eventually we get on with life.

6. Chronic anxietyis any sense of threat we have that is perceived, imagined or interpreted. Our anxiety is below the surface and so normally we are unaware of it. Over time we develop a heightened sensitivity to potential threat. We are threatened by the behavior and actions of others.

7. There is a threat to the loss of self - of who we are – our individuality. There is the threat of being dominated – being taken advantage of – of being hurt, or rejected, or overlooked – not appreciated or not included, not heard, or maybe abandoned.

8. When Anxiety rises we become predictable. We react and quit thinking. We get stupid!

10. Who’s Driving the Bus? We develop typical patterns of dealing with our anxiety when it emerges.

11. We develop typical ways of dealing with our anxiety and we use our preferred methods consistently. As a result, we repeat the same mistakes over and over again. Though we feel “safer” in the short term, long term we develop less than ideal relationships, we lose intimacy, and we lose opportunities for leadership and advancement.

12. Ultimately our patterns of chronic anxiety set our default future. Unless something changes we will end our lives with the same issues that we have now.

13. Fight Caretake Freeze Flight

14. We become more concerned with how other people are behaving toward us than we do with how we are behaving toward them.

15. Anxiety always shows up in a physical form.

16. How does anxiety show up in you?

19. Who’s Driving the Bus? Typically when anxiety emerges we try everything in our power to make the anxiety to away.

20. Take Responsibility for Your Own Life. The only person you can change is you.

21. Chronic Anxiety – (A perceived sense of threat) • Anxiety Relief – (Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Caretake) • Repeated Patterns of Behavior (5 Typical Ways.)

22. A Trail of “Less Than” Relationships. • Loss of Confidence, Self, Opportunity, & Satisfaction. • A Future Determined by Default • Are you o.k. with that?

25. Five Typical Ways People Deal WithAnxiety.

26. Conflict

27. Conflict • Become critical of others. • Blame & accuse others for perceived issues. • People insist that their way is the only way. • Focus more on others than self.

28. Conflict • Behave abusively. • Argue, debate, and fight. • Verbally attack.

29. Distancing

30. Distancing • Excessive periods of non-communication • Workaholism • Excessive time with hobbies • A tendency to get quiet when anxiety arises • Talk that stays shallow – with nothing of personal importance • An inability to relate to some people in one’s immediate or original family

31. Cutoff Cutoff is a distance posture carried to the extreme, resulting in a nonfunctioning relationship

32. Overfuntioning/Underfunctioning

33. Overfunctioning • Advice-giving • Doings things for others that they could do for themselves • Worrying about other people. • Feeling responsible for others, knowing what is best for them.

34. Overfunctioning • Talking more than listening • Having goals for others that they don’t have for themselves. • Experiencing periods of sudden “burnout”

35. Underfunctioning • Asking for advice rather than thinking things through independently • Getting others to help when help really isn’t needed • Acting irresponsibly • Listening more than talking

36. Underfunctioning • Letting others think for you • Floating with no goals most of the time • Setting goals but not following through with them • Becoming mentally or physically ill frequently • Tending to become addicted to substances

37. Triangling

38. Triangling • Talking against the boss, the minister, or the teacher to people other than the boss, the minister, or the teacher. • Gossiping or talking about someone who is not present • Having an affair • Taking too much interest in other people’s problems

39. Triangling • Thinking more about a child or someone else than about your own marriage or self. • Talking about your spouse with an adult child. • Talking about other people behind their backs in order to lessen your own anxiety

40. “Don’t just do something – stand there!”

41. What’s your preferred style? • With your spouse? • With your children? • When you’re in a position of leadership? • When you’re not the one in charge?

42. What’s your preferred style? • With your friends? • With your co-workers? • With your siblings & parents? • When you’re pushed into a corner?

44. Buttons – Vows - Lies “Our default future consists of our expectations, fears, hopes, and predictions, all of which are ultimately based on our experience in the past. Incidents from our past live on as prediction, giving us our default future.” The Three Laws of Performance by Steve Zaffron & Dave Logan.

45. We develop a defensive routine to protect ourselves from being hurt again. We react when our buttons get pushed.

46. What is the threat? What are you afraid of?

47. Vows All of us have key moments from our past that continue to impact our lives today.

48. What vows have you made? Reflect on your childhood – your family of origin. Is there: A vow about being hurt? A vow about being dominated?

50. What lies do you believe about yourself? Is there a lie about your significance or importance? Is there a lie about your capability?