Counseling Grieving Children Louisiana Counseling Association Conference Baton Rouge, LA – October 10, 2007

1. Counseling Grieving ChildrenLouisiana Counseling Association ConferenceBaton Rouge, LA – October 10, 2007 June Williams, Ph.D., LPC Barbara Hebert, Ph.D., LPC Kelli Leidenheimer, B.S., Counseling Master’s Student Molly Menke, B.A., Counseling Master’s Student

2. Session Objectives Part I • Identify various losses faced by children; • Recognize how children’s concepts of death and loss are related to age, experience, and developmental level; • Understand how children grieve (emotions and behaviors); Part 2 • Implement appropriate counseling techniques/interventions; • Use creativity in working with grieving children

3. Types of LossesChildren Experience Brainstorming Activity: Besides losses related to death, what other losses might children experience?

4. Children as Disenfranchised Grievers(Doka, 2002) “ the grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned or socially supported” (Doka, 1989 cited in Doka, 2002, p. 293). • Relationship not recognized • Loss not recognized • Griever not recognized • Type of death may be disenfranchised

5. Myths about Children and Grief • Children don’t grieve • Children don’t hurt as much because they understand less. • Children experience few losses • Grief follows a predictable and orderly stage-like progression. • The goal in helping bereaved children is to “get them over” grief and mourning.

6. More myths • The grief and mourning of adults surrounding bereaved children doesn't have any impact on them. • Speaking of the deceased will reopen a child’s grief wounds. • It’s best to keep grieving children busy with lots of activities. • Children are better off if they don’t attend funerals.

7. Tasks of Mourning for Children(Trozzi, 1999) • Task of Understanding • Task of Grieving • Task of Commemorating • Task of Moving Forward

8. Factors Affecting a Child’s Grief • Type of death • Physical/Emotional functioning of adults • Demographics • Personality and temperament • Pre-existing risk factors • Family relationships • Quality of relationship with deceased • Life stressors • Support • Previous experience with death

9. Beliefs No comprehension of death Changes in family emotions Behaviors Crying Indigestion Sucking, Biting Sleeplessness How to Help Physical Contact Routines Physical Needs Child’s Mourning Patience! Ages 0-2

10. Beliefs Death and finality Reversible? Temporary? Magical Thinking Details, specifics please! Sadness to Playtime to Sadness (to playtime) Death = punishment Behaviors Regressive in nature Questions Withdrawing Interested in dead things Death? What death?? Nightmares Acting out/ Crying How to Help Regression? Okay… A warm hand, a tight hug.. It’s time to grab the baseball mitt! Keep it truthful, Keep it simple More how, where, what and why Needing to cry? That’s okay! Open mouth, OPEN EARS! Ages 2-6

11. Beliefs Finality of death Everyone doesn’t die Am I responsible?? Frightened.. Yet- Curious.. Death.. Still equals punishment Ponders life without loved one Behaviors Still Regressive Curiosity – interest in death Leave me alone! Concentration, grades, acting out at school Protective. Overly Protective.. Interested in dead things Nightmares / Sleep problems How to Help Regression? Okay… A warm hand, a tight hug.. It’s time to grab the baseball mitt! Keep it truthful, Keep it simple More how, where, what and why Needing to cry? That’s okay! Open mouth, OPEN EARS! Ages 6-9

12. Beliefs Guilt and Responsibility Awareness along with Denial Who?? Me?? Never! How will my graduation or wedding day be now? Behaviors Grief rollercoaster Regression Moodiness / No Expression Physical Aspects of death “It still never happened..” Possible academic / concentration declines Nightmares Acting Out at home/school How to Help Yep, all that regression is still okay.. Moods can swing! Expectations.. Hidden Feelings/ Expression Encouragement Importance of Peer Support Availability for Communication with Children Physical Contact Giving children the their own mourning process choices Ages 9-12

13. Beliefs Death and finality Internalized Grief Awareness of death Behaviors Regression is occasional Moody/hides feelings Control Issues Rebellion /Withdrawal Physically acting out Sleep Disturbances Academic Declines Role Confusion Impulsive, Risky Behavior Peer group changes Eating Habits How to Help Self disclosure Supporting adult relationships Monitoring high-risk behavior Communication Availability for teens Offering support/ Physical Contact Encouraging Expression/ HONESTY! Peer Support Groups Mood Swings/ Regression Teens

14. Task of Commemorating • Formal commemorative services • Funerals, wakes, memorial services • Children’s understanding of formal commemorative services • Informal commemorative services • Rituals to assist children with commemoration

15. Attending the Funeral The Child’s Intentions Providing Specifics Attendance/ Feelings Dialogue about Death Participating in their own way Realizations for the Adult

16. Not Attending the Funeral Children not wanting to attend Expression / Mourning Other Options Children as Helpers Talking to children about death

17. Task of Moving Forward • Assisting the child with moving forward • We never “get over” a significant loss