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Resilient Children – Stressful World

Resilient Children – Stressful World . “Do it all” “Be the best” Pressure from society vs. influence of parents Helping children achieve academic success Become resistant to unhealthy messages Short-term and long-term strategies. 2010s. Recession TARP – Troubled Asset Relief Program

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Resilient Children – Stressful World

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  1. Resilient Children – Stressful World • “Do it all” • “Be the best” • Pressure from society vs. influence of parents • Helping children achieve academic success • Become resistant to unhealthy messages • Short-term and long-term strategies

  2. 2010s • Recession • TARP – Troubled Asset Relief Program • Ballooning national debt, budget deficits • Earthquake, tsunami, damaged nuclear reactors • Tuition increases • Decreasing scholarships • Nastiness of politics

  3. 2000s • World Trade Center attacked • Al Qaeda • Wars in Iraq and Afghanistan • Katrina • Tsunami in South Asia • Swine flu

  4. 1990s • HIV/AIDS • Monica Lewinski and impeaching Clinton • Columbine massacre • Rwandan genocide • Oklahoma City bombing • Government shutdown

  5. 1980s • Iran-Contra hostage crisis • Challenger disaster • Chernobyl explosion • Tiananmen Square • John Lennon killed

  6. 1970s • Watergate • President Nixon resigns in disgrace • Anti-war demonstrations • Generation gap • Kent State shootings • Pentagon Papers

  7. 1960s • Vietnam War • Cuban Missile Crisis • Urban unrest • Assassinations • John F. Kennedy • Robert Kennedy • Martin Luther King

  8. 1950s • Korean War • Little Rock Central High School • McCarthy era - Communists in Congress • Subjugation of European countries • Hiding under school desks

  9. 1940s • Pearl Harbor • World War II • Atomic bombs dropped in Japan • Concentration camps exposed • Many young people enlist or are drafted • 405,000 U.S. dead • 670,000 U.S. wounded

  10. 1930s • The Great Depression • 25% unemployment rate • No safety net • Took 17 years for stock market to recover • Dust Bowl • Child Labor problems

  11. Resilience Equals • What the child learns at: The times of their mistakes + The times that they are disappointed ______________________________ = How resilient the child is as a teenager

  12. Inevitable part of parenting • Parents often wish: • The world was different • Children were rarely unhappy • Children’s behavior would be better than it is

  13. Using the Inevitability of Stress • What were children taught to expect? • How much was handed to them? • How much was done for them? • Are today’s children weaker/less resilient? • Are times tougher today?

  14. How we think about parenting • Relationship between two people • One parent and one child • Parents are responsible for their half • The bar is very high for us and our half • Can’t blame child for parent reaction to child • Child’s later resilience hinges on: • Honor, journey, teach to the long-term goals • Unrealistic expectations, quick to anger and worry

  15. Modeling stress management • Show them how to handle stress • As you handle stress caused by them • That is how they will know how to handle stress when they are teenagers • The importance of stalling • Unlearning the ECFE message

  16. How we think about childhood • Mistakes are a normal part of childhood • Best for strengthening the connection • Uncomfortable times = richest opportunities • Most important lessons – most uncomfortable times • Welcome the unwanted parts of childhood. • Pace of change is slow

  17. Disappointments • When the world disappoints your child • Don’t let it go to waste • Inner strength • Resilience • Helps children be realistic about expectations • ACT scores, college applications • Getting cut from a team

  18. Viewing skills – Staying calm and thoughtful • Thinking about what is going on • Not just reacting • How may I use this? What can I teach? • Discipline is the easy part • Being kind, forgiving and patient while disciplining is harder

  19. External events do not cause internal feelings • This is at the root of staying calm • People react to same event differently • Individuals react differently on different days • Not external event that causes parents to get frustrated, worried or angry

  20. Practice • Hardest to stay calm when around children • Practice when we are away from our children • Every day has many external events that we can use for practice

  21. Resilience, Academic Success and Stress Management • Before adolescence: • What do children need to learn • So they will be able to handle whatever comes their way during adolescence • How can parents teach what children need to learn? • Using opportunities provided by everyday life • Making moments count

  22. Goal for the day • Seeing the teachable moment at all times • Connecting day-to-day mistakes and disappointments with long-term goals • That when you are unable to find what to teach it is about you, not your child • Learn what your blind spots are • Leave here today with a plan of action and a process to keep learning about viewing skills and blind spots

  23. How may I use this? • What can I teach? • Rather than • I have to fix this. • This should not be happening • My child deserves better • I must make my child feel better right this minute • I must nip this in the bud

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